Day 6 of my sobriety….
Yup, I got sloshed last night. And, yup, I’m still calling today my Day 6 because I see this as a process, not a competition. Unlike AA thinking, I don’t think I need to reset the clock and start from Day 1 again. I didn’t take a step back last night, I just temporarily wandered off the path–the clear path I started on 6 days ago, the one I’m back on today.
It was virtually impossible not drink last night actually. I spent the afternoon helping an elderly friend of mine. I took him to the hospital for his MRI, and then after that to get his blood work done. Last week he was diagnosed with ALS—Lou Gehrig’s disease. A neurodegenerative disease, it’s terminal. There is no cure and even no medication that’s effective at slowing it’s inevitable progression. Once diagnosed, the expected time till death is 2 to 5 years. My friend can barely walk now. Sadly, I don’t think he’ll even make it to 2 years. So, after the 4 hours it took for us to get his medical things done, I know he absolutely loves to go to the pub, so that’s where I took him, with pleasure, for him, not for me, so that I could get sloshed. He was very grateful. Of course I joined him drinking beers. I gave myself permission, so to speak. But I didn’t give myself permission to get sloshed. Well all alcoholics know, one beer so easily leads to more—often many more. I had many last night…
I slept like crap, waking up numerous times. This morning, I’m feeling quite hungover. I’ve been worse, but I already know that today is a write-off. I’ll not go for “hangover relief” today, however. I have no plan to drink anything at all. I’m back to Day 1. If I have to have a wee bit of wine at some point today to help with any withdrawal, I will, but I don’t think that will be necessary. I have successfully detoxed myself this week, for the most part. Yesterday I was feeling very spacey, not grounded so to speak, but still felt very well, as my blog post described. That spacey feeling isn’t there today, but that makes sense. My brain hasn’t been without alcohol for 5 days in a row, for YEARS. Like, 13 or 14 years, so of course my brain is going to take some time to adapt to being alcohol free. I can live with the spacey feeling. It is SO much better than how I feel today. Today I feel cloudy, ill, numbed.
I’ve been on “vacation” for the past few days. In fact, as I noted earlier, I planned these two weeks off expressly for the purpose of getting myself sober. Yesterday, until I started to drink around 5 pm, aside from feeling a bit spacey, I couldn’t believe how well I felt, how clearly I was thinking, how little anxiety I had, how positive I was feeling. Comparing today to yesterday, I can see more clearly than ever just how much the alcohol has dumbed me down, today, and for way too many years. For oh-so-too-many years. It’s a bloody, tragic, horrific loss. A loss of precious time in my life (I’m nearing 60) and a horrible loss of my potential. Reflecting on this now makes me want to drink! But I won’t. My health is good, I know I still have time to improve the quality of the rest of my life by getting, and staying sober, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. This is my heroes quest, my dragon to slay, with Gods help.
Thanks for being here with me on my treacherous journey to sobriety and sanity!