God…IMHO

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IMHO means, “In my humble opinion”, used for years in online Forums, but which have gone by the wayside recently, sadly.

Anyway, some people who go to A.A. have difficulty conceiving of God, of believing in God. I know. Here is my conception of God, borrowed from Jung. He said, “God is the name by which I designate all things which cross my willful path violently and recklessly, all things which upset my subjective views, plans, and intentions and change the course of my life for better or worse”.

To which I will add, God is the magic in the moment, the spirit in the spritzer. Goosebumps when we know something extraordinarily unusual and unique is happening. The inner knowing in a situation that would otherwise behoove us. The bird that lands close to us during our most desperate moments. A sudden coincidence that we cannot explain. The colour of the blossoms that catch our eye, the scent of the flowers that suddenly overpower us. The fresh breath of a child as they grasp and hold us without expecting. The pictures just sent from my daughter of her son playing languidly in the beach sand. The lingering moment between sunset and darkness that stirs something within our souls. That is God, and then some. Perhaps those reading could add to this in the comments? That would be nice, and another gift from God.

Is that sort of God difficult to believe in? I don’t think so. To me, that’s just the type of God I need! The one I have been longing for.

And in the end, if you still have difficulty believing, ask God — as a pure act of faith, which just means having great hope really — to reveal himself/herself/itself to you in some special way… he will, if you are open to it and looking for it. The little bird in my description above was just one of many ways he did for me. I feed the birds from my patio. Each spring the Junco’s leave for cooler weather in the deep forests. Each fall they return. One morning, in particular desperation I asked God for a sign, anything, to know that he cared, that he was there. I walked into my living room and there flew down the first Junco onto my patio, returning from the summer. I gasped with unbelief, but soon grasped the belief, the sign. That is beyond coincidence. That’s GOD. If he did it for me, many times, he will for you. Just ask! What have you got to lose? Nothing. So give it a shot…and let us know what happens!

P.S. When Jung was asked one day if he “believes” in God, he answered, “I don’t ‘believe’, I KNOW! (that God exists), because of his life-long experiences. At this stage of my life, I can say the same.

Nelson

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Ugh…

Ugh. That’s the expression a friend and I use when we are texting “the morning after” a night of heavy drinking, meaning we have bad hangovers. Yup, I did it again. I’m discouraged, to say the least. I’m at wit’s end in fact. Obviously, we’re not all made from a cookie cutter, not all the same. A few days ago when I completely accepted my powerlessness over alcohol, I really thought that something would change. In fact I felt invigorated and got a lot done at work. I was feeling great. But I guess I felt too great because I worked so hard that I really tired myself out, so by 5 o’clock I was really ready for a few beers. Of course, I can’t just have a few. I did the same thing yesterday.

So it was the fatigue, but perhaps even more pivotal, a co-worker, who, out of the blue said something very irritating and upsetting. In fact when that came up I was suspicious. Meaning, if there was anything that could get me to drink, it would be something like that. Has anyone else ever noticed that when you are bound and determined to not drink that something or someone comes out of nowhere to challenge your resolve? This has happened to me time and time again.

It’s almost as if there is an evil force out there that pops out and purposefully knocks us off our feet so that we end up drinking! In fact, I have a book, The War of the Gods in Addiction, written by a Jungian analyst, David Schoen, who is an expert in addictions. He makes a very strong case suggesting that there in fact is an evil force involved in addiction. Even Carl Jung, the famous Psychiatrist, stated in a letter to Bill Wilson, one of the founders of A.A. that “An ordinary man, not protected by an action from above and isolated in society, cannot resist the power of evil, which is called very aptly the Devil”.

That’s a pretty radical thing for an eminent psychiatrist to say. He said it only months before he died, at the end of a long career. Said earlier, it could have damaged his reputation. I have to agree with Jung and Schoen. I have experienced this phenomenon first hand. Jung and Schoen both think that A.A. is one of the few things that can counteract that power of evil. But I’m not saying all this to promote A.A. I’m saying it to simply point out that there really does seem to be an evil force strongly at work in alcoholism and every other true addiction. I’m curious to know if others here have experienced it as well.

Double ugh.

Nelson

2…1

Still drinking like a fish. I’m quite hungover this morning. I am SO tired of hangovers. I am feeling SO discouraged. I had planned to slowly taper down my drinking this week. Most of my plans go the same way. What can I expect from a DRUNK? Ohhhh, but the good news is that alcoholism is only a SYMPTOM of other underlying disorders. Sobering up doesn’t guarantee a change in personality. Ok, it does guarantee an elimination of the alcohol caused behaviours, like drunk texting. And it does guarantee that our health will improve. Oh alright, I’m being a pessimist. I could use another little miracle again today, like the bank deposit the other day.

So at the beginning of the week I decided that if I wasn’t sober by tomorrow (Saturday) that I would enrol in the Daytox program on Monday. I’m going to revise that a little. If I’m not sober by Sunday evening, then I’ll do it. I’m going to detox myself today, tomorrow and Sunday, using alcohol only as absolutely needed to help with the withdrawal. That’s assuming I have any withdrawal effects. In previous years I’ve had virtually no withdrawal effects other than feeling WEIRD. That and insomnia, but I have med’s to help with that part.

I’ve only gone to one AA meeting this week. Another disappointment, but I’ll go to one today for sure…

I’m really on the edge here. I’m feeling very powerless (Step 1) and not feeling very confident, but I do believe that there is a “Higher Power” of some sort at work, and available to me. I’m old enough, have had enough life experience to be convinced of that and that I’m counting to come through for me now, through meaningful coincidences, the Jungian concept of Synchronicity, just as it did on day 3. That’s MY “Higher Power”.