Morning after paranoia…

Well, despite the gallons of beer that I drank last night, I somehow escaped having the classical “Oh my God I’m going to die” hangover. Mostly. I didn’t escape the morning after PARANOIA. You know, “The world is going to end today…no, this morning!!”, type. The, “Oh my God I’m going to get fired today!”…the, “Oh my God, I’m sure I’ve got cirrhosis or cancer!”, the “Oh my God I’m going to die a miserable lonely death down on skid row as a drunk!”, the, “Oh my God who did I drunk text last night?” type.

I find a hot shower helps a lot. I’ll talk to myself. “Don’t worry buddy, this is just the morning after paranoia again…by noon you’ll be feeling much better, just fine…relaaaaax.” That works pretty well.

Reflecting on last nights drunk entry as to why we keep doing this to ourselves, I came across an interesting article this morning about Emotional Intelligence and Alcohol. I’ve heard about this before. AA’er’s talk about it. It suggests that when we use alcohol to cope with life, especially from a young age, we never really grow up emotionally. The booze stunts our emotional intelligence/development. We are still teenagers in adult bodies. This makes a lot of sense. It could certainly help to explain why we compulsively keep drinking. Compulsive behaviour is immature behaviour (unless it’s OCD). We just don’t have the emotional maturity to make the right choices or do the right things, so we continue to use alcohol to cope. I don’t buy this theory 100%, but I think there is some truth to it.

At my age (mid-fifties) that theory feels like a death sentence. I don’t have many years left to grow up! But, I am reminded of a few people who I have known over the years who quit drinking and did catch up their growing up remarkably fast. So I guess there is still hope. That is, IF I STOP DRINKING…!

Oh dear Lord, hasten the day, hasten the day!!!

Nelson.

 

2…1

Still drinking like a fish. I’m quite hungover this morning. I am SO tired of hangovers. I am feeling SO discouraged. I had planned to slowly taper down my drinking this week. Most of my plans go the same way. What can I expect from a DRUNK? Ohhhh, but the good news is that alcoholism is only a SYMPTOM of other underlying disorders. Sobering up doesn’t guarantee a change in personality. Ok, it does guarantee an elimination of the alcohol caused behaviours, like drunk texting. And it does guarantee that our health will improve. Oh alright, I’m being a pessimist. I could use another little miracle again today, like the bank deposit the other day.

So at the beginning of the week I decided that if I wasn’t sober by tomorrow (Saturday) that I would enrol in the Daytox program on Monday. I’m going to revise that a little. If I’m not sober by Sunday evening, then I’ll do it. I’m going to detox myself today, tomorrow and Sunday, using alcohol only as absolutely needed to help with the withdrawal. That’s assuming I have any withdrawal effects. In previous years I’ve had virtually no withdrawal effects other than feeling WEIRD. That and insomnia, but I have med’s to help with that part.

I’ve only gone to one AA meeting this week. Another disappointment, but I’ll go to one today for sure…

I’m really on the edge here. I’m feeling very powerless (Step 1) and not feeling very confident, but I do believe that there is a “Higher Power” of some sort at work, and available to me. I’m old enough, have had enough life experience to be convinced of that and that I’m counting to come through for me now, through meaningful coincidences, the Jungian concept of Synchronicity, just as it did on day 3. That’s MY “Higher Power”.

 

6 months drunk…..

Wow, I just read the April 14th update from my journal, where it described how on the 13th I chose to just “Don’t drink”. It worked. (I’ll describe that another time). That was almost 6 months ago. I don’t think I’ve had a sober day since. In fact, until THIS MORNING I haven’t had a day without at least a mild hangover. At least once a week I have had a MAJOR hangover – so hung over that I felt like I was going to die. Not much has changed since then. Yesterday I had one of those major hangovers. By 2:30 I was at the Irish pub down the street having my favorite hangover drinks; Guinness. 2 pints of Guinness and 2 pints of Harp lager. After that, I headed home. I almost went up the street to my favorite pub — my “Cheers” on my way home. In fact I walked up there to see if my buddy Ryan’s truck was there. Had it been, I most certainly would have gone in and continued to drink. Thankfully he wasn’t there, so I hi-tailed it home. I didn’t WANT another drink actually. In fact the thought of it made me feel like I was going to puke, but I would have gone in if Ryan had been there! How amazingly disgusting this disease is. Once home I rested for a while in front of the TV and when I had enough energy to get off the sofa I made myself a delicious Taco dinner.

Going to sleep last night was difficult without the booze in my system. I ended up taking two sleeping pills and finally went to sleep about midnight. At 4 am I awakened to go to the bathroom and thankfully drifted back to sleep until about 8:30. When I opened my eyes then I was still very groggy, but as I lay there slowly waking up, for the first time in a very long time I realized that I was NOT, like usual, hung over, and I had slept very well. What a wonderful, novel even, feeling! After having a coffee I felt even better, noticing in particular that I was not feeling anxious like I do most mornings. I felt like I had taken a Xanax! That’s called feeling “normal” really, as every alcoholic knows that in the mornings we feel somewhat anxious, bordering on paranoid.

Anyway, what a RELIEF that for a bloody change, today I do not feel hung over! I can’t say that I feel exactly “clear-headed” but I’m sure if I manage to limit my drinking tonight then tomorrow I should start to feel more clearheaded, more “alcohol-free”. I sure hope so. I’m so tired of feeling hung over sick every day. Writing feels like a bit of a chore so I’m going to end it here folks.