Not big enough?


Sunday morning. Hungover, again. WHY? Because I drank too much last night, of course —although I didn’t want to! I really didn’t want to drink last night. But around 3 o’clock my best friend called me. I told him I had to take a break, that I was going to an A.A. meeting. He laughed, then said, “I’ll pick you up and drive you there!”. He was joking, of course. He would drive me to our watering hole and invite me to have an A.A. meeting with him over a few beers. I said no, and I meant it. An hour later I was at the bar.

Why? I know why. I’m battling a habit of daily drinking and at the same time I’m battling not wanting to stop seeing my friends. I love those guys. This morning, however, while reading the chapter, “How it works” in the A.A. Big Book I reflected on the “3 pertinent ideas” described there, in particular the 3rd which states in regard to our being set free from our alcoholism, “that God could and would if he were sought”. In a flash, it suddenly occurred to me, “Is my God (my conception of God) not powerful enough to enable me to go to the bar and be with my friends and NOT drink?”

Hmmmm. I never seriously considered that. Until now, I’ve assumed that I can’t go into a bar and not drink. Can’t do it, nope, impossible! But is it really impossible? Doesn’t it say somewhere in the bible that with God ALL things are possible? Yes, it does. God has already delivered me from the obsession to drink (see Grace). That was huge, and absolutely restored my faith and belief in a higher power that I choose to call God. Surely, then, that same infinite power of the universe can also enable me to not drink if I go to the bar with my friends? Surely.

Frankly, if there is one thing in my life right now that could further prove to me the power of God — that could even prove to my drinking buddies about that power — it would. be. this. If my friends saw me sit with them in the bar and not drink, I know they would consider it a miracle!

So, I know what to do next on my alcoholism journey. I’m going to make my god that much bigger. Big enough to enable me to be with my friends at the bar and to not drink. Some might consider this a foolish notion; “You can’t stick your hand in the fire and not expect to get burnt”. Oh ye of little faith! I’m going to ask God to meet me here now at my place of greatest need.

Here goes!



This is the day…1.6

Ok, this is the day. I’m reminded of a song I learned years and years ago during my “Born-Again” church phase, entitled just that; “This is the Day…this is the day, that the Lord has made, that the Lord has made. I will rejoice, I will rejoice and be glad in it, and be glad in it…” The tune has stuck with me all these years. I’m still a believer, although not in quite the same way as when I was 18.

Anyway, this is the day, and if I get my arse out to a couple meetings and don’t drink today, I certainly will “rejoice and be glad in it”. And I’ll thank God for it too.

Wish me luck, God-speed, anything. I need it all. I’ll report back tonight.


Day’s end…P.S.

Whilst staggering home from the pub, I saw a gal who I haven’t seen in a long time. She used to come in to the pub quite frequently, then disappeared suddenly. Her name is Karen. She told me tonight that…she.stopped.drinking….and that’s why I haven’t seen her. She said it with pride. She added that she has lost 22 pounds since, as well. I could tell. And I told her how great she was looking. She beamed with a smile indescribable.

I told her that I am trying to quit drinking too. She smiled again and said good luck and that I can do it. I gave her a big thank you as she went. She smiled even more brightly.

Karen was in a car accident a few years ago. Has permanent brain damage. She talks and walks like a drunk, but it’s from the accident.

Karen was my sweet angel sent tonight on my staggered path home to my boring beans and weiner’s and toast. God, interrupting my pity-party, telling me that I can do it. If Karen can, then I can too.

Thank you God, thank you Karen, for showing me the way. I WILL!

This is my last post for the day. Sorry to disturb. I’m tired now and need to go to bed. And many thanks to those who read this guy’s crazy, mostly drunken (thus far) journey. Appreciated more than you can imagine. Thank you so much.


Drunk’s on the bus…

I was walking home past a bus, and an old guy sitting there alone there in it briefly caught my eye. He looked drunk, lonely, desperate. I saw him, he saw me. As I continued past the bus I realized that that “old guy” was probably about the same age age me. I wondered how his day had been, where he was going. I could tangibly feel his loneliness. Meanwhile, I swept past, sipping on the chocolate shake I had just picked up from McDonalds. Further reflection suggested to me that he was half dead, yet I am still at least half alive. I picked up my step heading home, grateful for my genetics, or lifestyle, or whatever that enabled me to almost whistle while I walked and laugh out loud in gratitude that only a couple days ago I was out running in the local trails, full of vim and vigor. Indeed, despite my alcoholism, I am a lucky man. Thank you, God, Infinite Intelligence, Cosmic Consciousness, whatever name we choose. I am so grateful. Thank you, SO so much.




IMHO means, “In my humble opinion”, used for years in online Forums, but which have gone by the wayside recently, sadly.

Anyway, some people who go to A.A. have difficulty conceiving of God, of believing in God. I know. Here is my conception of God, borrowed from Jung. He said, “God is the name by which I designate all things which cross my willful path violently and recklessly, all things which upset my subjective views, plans, and intentions and change the course of my life for better or worse”.

To which I will add, God is the magic in the moment, the spirit in the spritzer. Goosebumps when we know something extraordinarily unusual and unique is happening. The inner knowing in a situation that would otherwise behoove us. The bird that lands close to us during our most desperate moments. A sudden coincidence that we cannot explain. The colour of the blossoms that catch our eye, the scent of the flowers that suddenly overpower us. The fresh breath of a child as they grasp and hold us without expecting. The pictures just sent from my daughter of her son playing languidly in the beach sand. The lingering moment between sunset and darkness that stirs something within our souls. That is God, and then some. Perhaps those reading could add to this in the comments? That would be nice, and another gift from God.

Is that sort of God difficult to believe in? I don’t think so. To me, that’s just the type of God I need! The one I have been longing for.

And in the end, if you still have difficulty believing, ask God — as a pure act of faith, which just means having great hope really — to reveal himself/herself/itself to you in some special way… he will, if you are open to it and looking for it. The little bird in my description above was just one of many ways he did for me. I feed the birds from my patio. Each spring the Junco’s leave for cooler weather in the deep forests. Each fall they return. One morning, in particular desperation I asked God for a sign, anything, to know that he cared, that he was there. I walked into my living room and there flew down the first Junco onto my patio, returning from the summer. I gasped with unbelief, but soon grasped the belief, the sign. That is beyond coincidence. That’s GOD. If he did it for me, many times, he will for you. Just ask! What have you got to lose? Nothing. So give it a shot…and let us know what happens!

P.S. When Jung was asked one day if he “believes” in God, he answered, “I don’t ‘believe’, I KNOW! (that God exists), because of his life-long experiences. At this stage of my life, I can say the same.


Day 1…oh ya.

Whoa, “Day 1” packs an emotional wallop for me. I can’t remember the number of times I started an entry in my written journal with it. ALL FAILED. Sometimes I made it to day 2, most not. Well, THIS “Day 1” is different. LOL…I ‘ve said just that a bunch of times too. I’m writing myself into further insanity. I should just give up, give in, quit my job, live on the streets and hope to get thrown into a government run rehab program. Ah….no thanks. This Day 1 IS different. How so? I just know it is. I don’t think I ever wrote that in my journal.

Yesterdays plans all went to shite. I still drank my face off at my “Cheers”. I don’t care. Today is another day. Well, and I had a good excuse. My friends knew yesterday was my last planned drinking day, so they helped me out with that. That’s what good friends do, right?

So today I’m going to start detoxing myself, using alcohol, but only if I’m feeling desperate and in withdrawal, which has rarely happened during my million past failed attempts to quit. Ok, it did happen the last time, about 6 months ago. I had a small glass of wine about 2 in the morning because I couldn’t get to sleep. It helped, it worked. So I’ll do that again if I have to. Only if I have to.

This Day 1 is also different because I am doing bunch of extra things to help me. For example, my therapist (a Jungian) urged me to add a spiritual element in the mix. She suggested I light a candle and just stare into the flame to have a few quiet moments before I meditate. Well, I did light a candle, but I didn’t meditate. Instead — hold on to your hat’s — I drew a card from my Tarot deck. Let’s not get into what kind of spirituality we all think that is. It doesn’t matter! What matters is if it add’s that spiritual element for me, regardless of how much I or anyone else “believes” in it. Ok, so before drawing the card, I prayerfully asked God, the Universe, the Infinite Intelligence and Donald Trump for wisdom and guidance. No, I didn’t really add Donald Trump into the mix! And so, what card did I draw???

Using just the 21 “Major Arcana” cards, all in the right side up position, I drew card VII, number seven. Coincidentally (?), 7 my favourite, my “lucky” number. Nice. In a nutshell, the Chariot card means “moving forward towards success; a conquerer”. Another nice. I’d call drawing that card a meaningful coincidence, a rosy Synchronicity. At the very least, a nice bonus and encouragment for the day, for this new and fresh Day 1, of many more days to come.