Tic, tac, toe…

tictacktoe

I rarely write after I’ve been drinking. Tonight is different. This is the third night in a row that I have had very little to drink. Tonight is toe — less than tic and and less than tac. I think I might be able to floss and brush my teeth tonight. That might sound odd to some, but when I’m drinking a lot, I don’t have the energy to practice proper hygiene, not until the morning anyway — if I’m not too hungover and have the energy. Ok, I’ve very rarely gone more than two days without brushing my teeth, so I guess I’m not that bad. I consider myself lucky, in that respect.

I’ve been what they call a “Functioning alcoholic” for like, 35 years. Able to brush my teeth most of the time. I shower every day, look good and work quite well. But still, I consider myself a drunk. I’ve wasted so many years drinking. My therapist tells me to not be so hard on myself. I try.

Anyway, I thought I’d report on this 3 day progress, because I can. This really IS progress. My plan for tomorrow is to drink less than tonight, and the same for the next day, until I just don’t drink at all. I think I can do this finally.

God help me.

Nelson

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It’s ok…

nectar

5 night’s in a row now with very little alcohol. While I have aspired to do the whole, “Dry January” thing, my reality has necessitated a gentler, easier way to ease myself into it. I’ve been drinking less and less each night, tapering down to tomorrow, which I hope will be my first alcohol free day in a very long time.

Already, good things are happening. My memory is improving. I can concentrate for longer than a minute. I’m feeling feelings, smelling smells, feeling the soft touch of my cashmere cardigan, and of oh-this and oh-that! I’m connecting with everything and everyone around me! Feeling here, in the moment, rather than just being as I was going from one hangover misery to the next, like a Zombie.

I don’t believe in Zombies, not like the TV and movies depict, but I do believe in our being capable of being in a near Zombie like state, we heavy drinkers as we almost merrily go from one drunken eve to the next. The days might be sober, but just until the witching hour, until whatever time it is that we all pick up that next drink and desperately dig our way back to the land of the lost, where Zombies roam, that we drunks call home.

But I’m not there!!! I’m here!!! I’ve just been somewhat absent for a very, very long time. I’m not a Zombie, but I have been close, to that for too, too, too, oh so very, too long. But I’m back!!! Yes, I’m here. I feel me again, and it’s ok. It’s ok.

A drop of freedom’s nectar adorns my lip. I taste it and it is so very sweet and oh, so very good.

Yes, it is all ok…

Nelson

Thanksgiving…

This weekend was the Thanksgiving celebration here in Canada. As for me, I am very, very thankful — to still be alive and more or less well, given the volume of my drinking, given the extent of my addiction. I drink a lot every day, but I’m still able to get up and do my job and function quite well, even with a hangover. It’s not where I really want to be, however. I’d rather be free, totally free, finally free, from drinking. But alas, that goal eludes me yet .

I saw a friend of mine in the drugstore this morning. Let’s call him Paul. Paul’s a drunk like me. Not quite the same as me, though. Rather, he is the other type of drunk compared to me. I drink every day. He doesn’t, until he picks up, and then he drinks every day for a month or two, or three, 24-7. He’s a “Binge-drinker”. He described to me today how once he starts, he can’t stop. Early in the morning he waits for the liquor store to open, so he can stop his shakes, his insatiable craving for more, more and more, but just enough more to settle him down. Just enough, he said, so that he can make it to work. Then he paces himself throughout the day. Just enough to keep functioning while he’s at work. Just enough to not be noticed by his boss and co-workers. The truth is, “just enough” isn’t enough–they all notice! They can smell him a mile away. They tolerate him until they can’t tolerate him anymore, and then he gets fired. He’s been fired once a year for the last 10 years. The last time he got fired, it was because he showed up early for an important board meeting. To “prepare” for it he drank a half bottle of whisky. A few minutes into the meeting, he suddenly passed out, he literally fell forward and head-planted onto the boardroom table. Head-planted, passed out, right there in front of all of the head honchos. They “let him go” when he regained consciousness. After these typical two or three month benders, he ends up in the hospital, where they detox him, wish him luck, and then send him back out again. He’s been to rehab. It doesn’t work for him.

Today when I saw Paul, he said he’s been sober for 2 months now, but is jobless, once again. He seemed discouraged. Well, he’s in his early 60’s. It’s getting harder to find work between his binges. Frankly, I think he’s been damn lucky to keep working all this time to date. Damn lucky. He asked me to call him to go for coffee soon. I couldn’t find his number on my phone, so I asked him for it — cell number? home number? home address? I asked. Why all the detail? Because I think he might kill himself soon. I wanted his home address in case he doesn’t answer his phone when I call him to go for that coffee, so I can tell the police where to go to find him, drunk or dead.

This is alcohols effect on some, on Paul, on me in a slightly different way. What to do? WHAT TO DO???

Nelson

 

Still drunk…

Ya. Struggling big time. Life is happening all around me. I do my best to keep up..and keep on. Losing battle at this point. Sorry to disappoint those who are watching. Life is as it is, folks. Comes a time when we may need accept our fate, our Karma, our choices in life. I accept my lot, my fate. Sometimes fate and destiny are our inevitable path. I can see and accept that, although I may not agree. This is life, as it is. I hope for a better fate for YOU! That said, I believe in fate. I also believe that it can be changed, if we can align ourselves with it and hear it, so that we can become all that, all who, we are meant to be. That is my hope, my present inspiration. Also my wish for you friends. Blessings to you all. 

Drunk

Yup, I’m drunk. Well, sort of. It’s funny how when we are hungover, we can drink the next day with impunity…doesn’t matter how much we drink, we can’t get back the buzz from the night before, or so my experience has been. Well, I started drinking today about 1 pm…and finished at 7:15…8 drinks over 6 + hours….I guess I spaced them out too well. Ack. Whatever.

I’m back to work on Monday. So, I’ll do my best to cut back to “normal” levels by then. Maybe I’ll even put a day or two in sober? That would be great, but I’m not holding my breath or counting on that. The only thing I’m counting on is my higher power to maybe kick in and intervene and give me’s a break? That would be great.

Thanks to those who commented today. Much appreciated.

I hope I feel ok in the morning. God willing.

Fresh corn on the cob for dinner tonight. First of the season. Nice.

Nelson.