4…

Didn’t do so well today, supposedly tapering back. So, the Daytox program is getting closer and closer. C’est la vie, perhaps. Let’s see what happens.

Ok, well I was bad-boy today because my day was full of all sorts of horrible emotional stuff happening. One of my residents went crazy today. He’s 85, has Alzheimers; Roger. He decided today that he didn’t belong here any longer, that his kids institutionalized him against his will. He’s right, of course, but he doesn’t remember the events leading up to him being put here. This is so sad and tragic. After settling him down, for the most part, I finished my shift (6 am to 2 pm). It was almost 4 when I felt safe to leave work. Anyway, I hit the pub on the way home and pounded down 6 or 7 pints. Not my plan for the day, but that’s the way it ended up. Oh well. And, yes, while I’m the guy in charge of the building issues, I often get called in by the nurse-aid’s to help with the ones who get physical and out of hand, so I guess half my job is as a social worker, or old folks home BOUNCER! LOL

Roger just wanted to go home. So sad. He has no home left to go home to. This is his home now, but he doesn’t really get that, and probably never will. That’s so sad!

For some reason, I’m carrying these burdens of these desperate few souls upon my back. I do it gladly, proudly, in fact, because there isn’t anyone else in their lives to do it. The residents seem to know that, though, and are often better with me than with the ones in charge of them! Not what I signed up for, but, I see the meaning in it and am grateful to be able to help.

God help them, help me to continue to help them and please free me from my alcoholism so that I can continue to help us all…….*sigh*……

Nelson

More research…

In AA, “more research” means you are still out in the field drinking. That’s not the farmers field, it’s the bars. And that’s where I’ve been every evening since last posting. I’m not discouraged, though, not as much as I have been before anyway. I KNOW I’m close to quitting. In fact, I have arranged to take two weeks of my vacation time in May for the very purpose of getting myself sober. I may even attend what they call “Daytox”, which is an out-patient program designed purely to help people get sober who otherwise cannot (or don’t want to) attend an in-patient rehab type program. It’s a 12-step program (AA based) and runs for six weeks. Once finished, they expect you to continue to attend regular AA meetings.They ask for just a few hours per day attendance for various classes.

Not long ago, I wouldn’t have given a second thought to attending a program like that. That was beneath me. I was too good for that. Real drunks go there, I smugly thought to myself. Hmmmmm. That thought has also kept me from going to AA meetings as well, for years. Well, guess what this guy is going to start doing in the meantime? Yup, go to AA meetings in the evenings. I need something to do with my time in the evenings, rather than go to the pub. I hate being at home alone. There is no other alternative!!! God knows, I’ve tried. I’ve tried everything, from reading, to watching movies, to playing video games, to going to the gym, to…to….to….everything. But look at that. On any given night, there must be 20 or 30 different AA meetings being held around the city (I live in a large city). I could even go to one at 5 o’clock, 7, 8, 9 and 11!

Will I do it? I dunno. I want to, mostly. I know I need to or this damn disease is going to kill me. I’ll let you know. Right now, all I want is a drink to help me get over today’s hangover!!! But not while I’m working (I work in a support staff position at an Assisted Living care home).

Enough’s enough….

Well, enough’s enough. Despite all sincerity of heart, mind and soul, it seems that my “Higher Power” doesn’t deem me worthy of attention — in the spiritual/psychological sense. I know a lot of AA’ers make AA their higher power if they are struggling with the spiritual aspect of it. Well, I have no problem whatsoever with the spiritual aspect. More than open to it, for years now. I have no doubt that God exists. But I admitted that I was “powerless” over alcohol a long time ago; I let go and let God and all of that countless times. Sorry, but admitting that I am powerless over alcohol and doing the rest of the AA “Step’s” just didn’t do it for me. I’ve been in and out of the AA doors for about 12 years now, so I’m more than familiar with “how it works”. Sorry, AA, you didn’t come through for me, sadly. As I say, enough’s enough.

So here’s what I’m going to do. Starting tonight, I’m going to do a two day detox. I’ll have 2 or 3 drinks tonight, 1 or 2 tomorrow night. I’m only an evening drinker, so I’m not worried about have a bad physical reaction to quitting. I’ve stopped many times before with little discomfort. It’s been a couple years since I’ve done that, but I think I’ll be ok. And then I’m going to stay sober. Like, forever, is my plan. I KNOW I’m powerless over alcohol, so I’m best to no touch the stuff. Heck, what a time to quit drinking! It’s Christmas! So what. I’m going to do it anyway. I need to take care of myself. The booze is slowly killing me. I can feel it. I have no doubt about it.

My friends aren’t going to like it. My drinking buddies I mean, if we can actually call them friends. I have one “best friend” drinking buddy. I told him today about my plan. He was a bit disappointed because tomorrow is the Grey Cup football game and he wanted me to join him to watch it on TV somewhere (a pub of course). But I told him no. He just said, “Ok, well if you change your mind give me a call”. I said ok. When I hung up I felt strangely empowered. It felt good to stake a stand for my own welfare, finally. He drinks as much or more than I do but the last thought to ever enter his mind is the thought of quitting. I doubt he ever will. Like me he’s a “Functional/Functioning” alcoholic. Can keep a job and do well in it, no problem. Alcohol interferes with few, if any, aspects of his life. He never gets hangovers! That may be why he’s never thought about quitting. I dunno.

Anyway, if you are interested, check back here in a day or two. I’m going to document the whole damn thing; the detox, the sobriety experience and experiences. Everything. Who knows, once my head clears up, I might even get a little creative. Writing is difficult for me these days. Most days I’m pretty cloudy. That’s why I’ve written so little here. Well, enough of that too! My hope is that what I share here might help someone else struggling with their alcoholism. That’s step 12 in AA!

I’d say “God help me”, but that prayer goes unanswered for me. Or perhaps God is helping me by ignoring me? Or helping me by keeping me healthy despite being a drunk all these years? Ok, I’ll buy that. More than willing to. Whatever. See you on the other side!

Nelson