A Miracle…

miracle

The January 1st entry in A.A.’s “Daily Reflections” talks about miracles. About the miracle whoever wrote it had personally experienced, being delivered from their alcoholism. I’ve read this entry many times, but today, despite being terribly hungover from last night’s beer-fest, I suddenly comprehended it. Why this morning? Why today? Perhaps that’s now my miracle in action.

Like the author, I’ve never had trouble believing in God. And like him or her I’ve had trouble putting that belief meaningfully into my life. But today, thanks–and I mean thanks–to my alcoholism, I am looking forward to seeing God do for me that which I cannot do for myself (that’s obvious now). While God has already freed me from the obsession to drink, I cannot break free of the habit. This is the next challenge in my alcoholism journey. Today, I put my trust in God to set me absolutely free. Today, I trust in God to make me a miracle too.

Yes, my hope is renewed!

Nelson

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Last kick at the cat…

Well, this is it. You see the thing is…

No–no more excuses. I’m giving myself 3 days to get sober. If I’m not successful, I’m going to check myself into the Detox center. I stopped in to see them and they said that they can accommodate me on Monday if I wish. So, I’m taking two weeks of my vacation time starting tomorrow to take the last kick at the cat, and if need be I can go to Detox for the first week and then have another week after that to get started in the follow up “Daytox” program. Well, even if I do sober up this weekend, I may still check out the Daytox support program. Clearly, I need some help.

I did go to an AA meeting last night. Stumbled in to it that is, drunk. It was the same meeting that I used to attend almost 15 years ago when I put in 3 months sober. The fellow sharing last night at that moment very coincidentally happened to be the one and only guy who was also there 15 years ago. In fact, back then he and I were in another small group that met on Wednesday nights with our sponsor. We chatted briefly during half-time. He welcomed me, awkwardly. He’s stayed sober for the last 15 years. I think I might ask him to sponsor me.

I feel so ashamed and sorry for myself right now. Someone called me a loser in one of the comments from my last post, which I deleted, but today I do feel like that loser. Down deep I know that I’m not, that I’m just a guy suffering from an insidious disease, but I still feel like a loser nevertheless. Maybe this is my “bottom” as they say in A.A. Whatever it is, it isn’t a pleasant place to be (duh). If it’s my bottom, then I guess the only direction I can go from here is up, with some help. I’m hanging my hat on that.

Nelson

Oh man…

I would love to report that I didn’t drink today, but after getting home from the 2 pm AA meeting, which was great and refreshing, I got slammed with a voicemail message. Sorry folks. So, tomorrow will be 1.7 then. 7 is my lucky number. Let’s hope for magic number 7. I’m at whits end here…life isn’t looking very good now. Ack.

The “Devil in the details”. I truly believe that there is an evil force at work for those of us caught in addiction! I’ve written about it before, but today am even more convinced. I don’t know HOW MANY TIME’S when I have been on the brink of freedom, that something rushes in to block it. SO MANY TIMES. I really, truly, think that there is an evil force that doesn’t want us to be free! I cannot deny this phenomena any longer. EVERY TIME that I have been on the brink of freedom, this has happened to me! Enough is enough. I won’t let it take me down. Something niggles at me to suggest that I am powerless over IT. Alright, then. God, or our higher power, must be more powerful. In him/it I trust. God willing (and I know he is) I WILL be free!!!

God…IMHO

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IMHO means, “In my humble opinion”, used for years in online Forums, but which have gone by the wayside recently, sadly.

Anyway, some people who go to A.A. have difficulty conceiving of God, of believing in God. I know. Here is my conception of God, borrowed from Jung. He said, “God is the name by which I designate all things which cross my willful path violently and recklessly, all things which upset my subjective views, plans, and intentions and change the course of my life for better or worse”.

To which I will add, God is the magic in the moment, the spirit in the spritzer. Goosebumps when we know something extraordinarily unusual and unique is happening. The inner knowing in a situation that would otherwise behoove us. The bird that lands close to us during our most desperate moments. A sudden coincidence that we cannot explain. The colour of the blossoms that catch our eye, the scent of the flowers that suddenly overpower us. The fresh breath of a child as they grasp and hold us without expecting. The pictures just sent from my daughter of her son playing languidly in the beach sand. The lingering moment between sunset and darkness that stirs something within our souls. That is God, and then some. Perhaps those reading could add to this in the comments? That would be nice, and another gift from God.

Is that sort of God difficult to believe in? I don’t think so. To me, that’s just the type of God I need! The one I have been longing for.

And in the end, if you still have difficulty believing, ask God — as a pure act of faith, which just means having great hope really — to reveal himself/herself/itself to you in some special way… he will, if you are open to it and looking for it. The little bird in my description above was just one of many ways he did for me. I feed the birds from my patio. Each spring the Junco’s leave for cooler weather in the deep forests. Each fall they return. One morning, in particular desperation I asked God for a sign, anything, to know that he cared, that he was there. I walked into my living room and there flew down the first Junco onto my patio, returning from the summer. I gasped with unbelief, but soon grasped the belief, the sign. That is beyond coincidence. That’s GOD. If he did it for me, many times, he will for you. Just ask! What have you got to lose? Nothing. So give it a shot…and let us know what happens!

P.S. When Jung was asked one day if he “believes” in God, he answered, “I don’t ‘believe’, I KNOW! (that God exists), because of his life-long experiences. At this stage of my life, I can say the same.

Nelson

Day 1.1…

Alright, so much for my last “Day 1” here. I’ve given up on that round. In the past 61 days (May & June) I’ve had 9 day’s of sobriety. Ok, it broke all previous records in the last 15 years, so if we want to see things from an optimistic, pie in the sky, rose coloured glasses perspective, then I’ve made progress. Doesn’t really feel like it though. In between those 9 sober days I drank my face off. In A.A. they call being out drinking, “doing research”. Well, I’ve done so much cramming for finals lately and over the years, I should be getting a frigging PhD by now! Not one I’d hang on the wall! I’m not proud of myself. I suck at sobriety. I’ve flunked right out of sobriety school, big time.

Ok, so I flunked out the last couple of months. If I beat myself up over it too much I’ll want to have a drink. We all know where that leads us. Right to the bloody grave. So, I’m re-enrolling today. Starting another semester so to speak. Over the next couple of days I’m going to alcohol detox myself again–just a few ounces of wine as needed but only when I’m feeling overwhelmed or too weird. This works for me because I typically drink only in the evenings (albeit it a lot). I’ve never been a 24/7 drinker (Here is a good article about this method). And yes, I’m going to take in some A.A. meetings. Being alone in the evenings isn’t fun.

So here goes nothing. Back to square 1.1…I’ll let you know how it goes.

Ya’ll take care.

Nelson

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