Drunk is as drunk does…


I truly do not want to die from this disease. This dis-ease. I wish and hope for, so desperately, a way out. The sails are up, but there is no wind. What to do!?

I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried everything. Maybe, as some have previously suggested, I just don’t really want to quit? I want to continue to enjoy the thrill of getting drunk every night?

While I do enjoy the alcohol buzz (who doesn’t), I know full well that it comes with a huge price…the payment of which will eventually take my peace, my joy, my pleasure in life, my music, my life.

I really don’t want that, friends.

I want to be free. To be me. To compose beautiful music, to write, to be a present father and grandfather.


May it be so.





Where there is love, there is no division.

Love knows no boundaries.

Love knows no strife.

Love is forgiveness. Going past the pain.

Love does not abuse.

Love does not maim.

Love does not murder.

Where there is pure love, there is no anger, no discord, no animosity nor strife.

Love is that which remains when all else challenges its being.

Love simply is.

We all have the capacity, but most not the fortitude.

Our humanity prevents us from loving to the fullest, but our love also prevents us from being our worst.

Pure Love is an ideal. Yet, I believe, attainable.


Take my heart when you go…


I just finished watching the most recent episode of Westworld. What an amazing show.

Take my heart when I go.

Not that I plan to go anytime soon, but only God knows.

Remember, I’m not writing here as a reach out. I’m writing here as a record. A record of however which way my life and health goes as I continue to battle this dis-ease.

I don’t need sympathy, although it is nice.

I don’t need advice, although it is appreciated.

I’m just leaving a record, remember.

A record of my tortuous journey as I sit by on the bar-stool and watch my life hang in the balance.

It is in the balance.

Could go either way still. I have this week off. My plan was to sober up. I have one of those old fashioned “Magic 8 Ball” novelty items. It looks like a small black bowling ball. You shake it up while asking it a question and then hold it up to look at the bottom, while a little triangular thing floats up and gives you the fateful (or fitful) answer. A few days ago I asked it if I was going to successfully sober up this week. “Very doubtful” was the answer. Spot on so far!!! Wow.

To be honest, it kind of shocked me. I sort of believe in these things. Well, I believe in Carl Jung’s description of meaningful coincidence, which he called “Synchronicity”. For a great article describing that see this fellow here. And that particular link illustrates the concept beautifully! While writing this, I did a quick Google search for the word Synchronicity and quickly found Gerg Levoy’s blog article about it. After posting the link I went to his web site (greglevoy.com), and there I saw — one of the books (“Callings”) he has written, which coincidentally I own, have read many times and found it to be one of the best on the subject!!! Wow. Talk about illustrating my point!!!

All that said, I’m quite liquored up again tonight, although I have been far worse. What tomorrow brings…well perhaps I should throw that question to the 8 ball!?

For now, Nelson



A bust…


Well, my detox plan for the last few days was a bust. Is anyone surprised? Well — I am! Sort of. I have been drinking less, except for last night, but have not been doing my detox plan.

I was at a concert on Monday night. They played one of my all time favorite songs, “Send in the Clowns”. This morning while bemoaning my fate (in between moaning over today’s hangover), and feeling very tired, lost, lonely and dejected, I decided to put Stingray music on, on my TV. I read once that music that we enjoy helps during a hangover, if for nothing other than comfort, but apparently recent medical research has proven that music we enjoy actually does speed ones hangover recovery. So anyway, I put the music on.

A song was just starting up. GUESS which one it was? Yes — Send in the Clowns….

A cold shiver of goosebumps swept over me.

I pondered the meaning. My first thought was that it was telling me I’m a bloody useless drunk clown. But no, I knew that couldn’t really be it. I knew it was a message — from God, the Universe, what have you. A message that clearly said, “There is still hope, Nelson….I am here. I am with you. I will free you”. I felt warmly comforted. I felt the hope. I feel it now as I’m writing.

I’m going to the doctors office today to ask for a prescription for Antabuse, I think. Is God in the Antabuse? Maybe.


Alright then…

This morning I opened an email from the online publication “Medium”. It suggested various articles for me to read, and then I saw this at the bottom of it:


And so I clicked on it, and this is the story it brought me:


I almost choked on my coffee.

It’s a full-length 20 page comic book style story of this girls own struggle with alcoholism.

Alright, I get it.

Enough is enough. Yes, I’m hungover again this morning. It’s obvious that while I love to drink, I’m unable to limit how much I drink, so I simply need to stop playing around with all this and just stop drinking altogether. This might seem like an obvious bloody no-brainer to those who know me, but for me it hasn’t, for reasons unknown to me quite frankly. Stupid is as stupid does?

A couple of weeks ago I had a spiritual experience of some sort. Let me describe it. I was walking to an A.A. meeting. It was a particularly fresh and lovely morning. The air was clear with the nascent scent of all that blossoms in the spring. The tree’s had virgin, bright nubile green leaves.

Seeing all of that — plus, plus, plus — soaking in it’s magnificence, I suddenly realized how powerful and great the Life Force really is. I had a brand new and fresh appreciation of its energy, of its being the life-blood of all that lives, with its tremendous power to create, sustain and nurture. I could also newly see how that same life force also mends and heals sickness and disease; the same tremendous power and energy behind everything.

I realized that that same life force could heal me also,

if I simply let go and allowed it to.

Not only that but it could give me a joy and pleasure in life far greater than a drop or a pint or even a gazillion gallons of alcohol ever could — if I let it, if I opened myself up to it, if I LET GO and let IT BE in my life.

That was it, in a nutshell. That realization changed me forever. I completely accepted it and believed it and I did let go…expecting that it — ! – hallelujah – ! — would release me from my alcoholism, just as it has so many in the A.A. program.

But it didn’t.

I was so very hopeful. I waited with renewed hope and enthusiasm. I thought I might even be able to drink moderately, because God knows, I love the pleasure that alcohol can bring. And here I am hungover again. What went wrong???

I went wrong. For me at least, it seems that the pleasure of having a nice little soiree buzz is simply not an option. I know now, more so than I ever have, that I just can’t drink. If I do, it’s going to kill me.

And so…

So today I’m going to start to detox myself. I’m not going to go to a pub. I’m not going to drink beer. I’m going to pick up some Vodka (which I detest) and V8 juice and drink just enough (I’ve done this safely before) to get me through a gradual detox over the next few days, and then I’m not going to ever. drink. again. Ideally. I intend to never drink again. I can’t predict tomorrow or next week. I can only do this day by day, like they say in A.A., “one day at a time”. God willing, as I let go and let God, I trust that the life force will heal me and enable me to be free…..finally free.

Oh may that day be ever more hastened!!!