So….

Ya, that title will draw a lot. I don’t sew, but I do knit a little!

So, ya…I haven’t posted much for a while because I had a lot of people telling me to stop posting after I have been drinking. Not quite proper apparently. Well, tonight I decided that if I don’t post after drinking these days, then I’ll hardly post at all, which in my humble opinion, kind of defeats the purpose of my whole blog here — which is, to document either my “deliverance or demise” from the demon drink that we call alcohol. So I’m posting again tonight in the spirit of that (and full of the otherwise spirits).

I have cut down on my drinking, a bit. But, I’m still struggling. I would love to go to rehab, but I simply cannot afford the expensive ones and don’t want to lose my job, which I most surely would. So, I’m stuck. Story of my life!

On a positive note, I did start attending a “SMART Recovery” meeting group online today. The UK one. It was quite refreshing. I’m going to embrace this as yet undiscovered place. I’ve been so A.A. centred for so many years, I forgot that there are alternatives out there.

Wish me luck, or not. I’m going to keep writing more frequently, because I really do want to document publicly my experience, for better or for worse. If for worse, at least my children will know their father’s plight (they don’t know about this blog, but it’s in my will). If for the better, fantastic….and maybe a way for THEM to find their own way out of the forest, if they ever end up here, as I.

As for the rest of you, so sorry to be back, drunk, with my same old doom and gloom. Well, what’s a good show without it!!???

Blessings,

Nelson

Here we go again…day 1.

Yup, here I go again. But THIS time, I’m really going to do it. How do I know that? I don’t know how I know, I just know that I know. There is something different about that. I’ve committed myself to 30 days starting today. If I do the 30 days — which I am certain that I will — then I will continue FOREVER. I’ve told my friends, who are all chiefly drinking friends (the main thing we share in common anyway) that I’m doing this 30 day thing and that I have to have their support. In fact I told them that if I don’t do this 30 days that I’m going to quit my job and go into rehab and then a half-way house and disappear. Yes, I’m open to rehab, finally, if that’s what it takes to get and keep me sober. I don’t think I’ll end up there — but I am willing to do it now if I need to.

So here we go. I’m going to do whatever it takes to get and stay sober. A.A. meetings — anything and everything to do this, by God’s grace. I choose LIFE! See you there!

Nelson

5…

Five beers tonight (Tuesday). At zero by Saturday, forever. No “Moderation Management” planned for this guy. Tried that, many–too many–times. Doesn’t work for me. Total abstinence is my plan, finally. Well, reluctant acceptance of the facts that have stacked up for so long than I just cannot ignore them any more. It is what it is. I WILL achieve this by Saturday.

I’m thinking about starting up a video blog once I’m sober for a while. I’ve been following a fellow in the UK whose down to earth, candid and unrehearsed videos have really helped me recently. Here’s a link to one of his most recent to really impact me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_flWP7_fZJ4&t=884s

Nelson.

 

Flight…

A bird that fly’s and stops along the way on this branch or that, on this tree or that, is responsible not just for the place where it ends its journey, but for every place where it stopped along the way.

In the same way, every drunk like me is responsible for all of our past, our drunken irresponsible flight from there to here. We all know that, and that makes being sober that much more difficult. But from what I hear, especially from the “Promises” stated in A.A., we can be forgiven, we can discover new life, regardless. This keeps me going.

I’m on a self-imposed detox this week. By the weekend I plan to be off the bottle, forever. That’s my plan. I believe it will happen. I believe I will make it happen, with the strength of my higher power, whatever that is, that which is beyond myself, that I know is there for me.

Thanks to all those who have supported me up to this this branch on this tree. This tree of Life.

Still drunk….

I’ve had some sober days, but mostly drunk. Still struggling big time with the beast.

It wants to kill me. I know that. Do I care? I’m 58 years old now and the care is lessening. Not a good thing, I know, but this is life in my culture!

 

Ok…

I’m ok. New plans to produce a video blog, a “Vlog” as it’s called now.  To showcase my next 30 day’s ambition to go on the wagon. Of course, I won’t post it here unless I’m successful, which I think I will be! And then you will see the real me. Take care, friends. 

Nelson

Choosing to live…

I’ve been profoundly moved by a comment Karymayhickey made a few days ago in response to one of my posts, about her choosing to live rather than waiting to die. Having reached a state similar to what I’ve been in recently, with high blood pressure and high anxiety and a high fear of dying every night from the drink, she suddenly chose the opposite, stating in her comment;

“No more waiting for death to come find me, I’m going to make it search its ass off, I’m going to start living.”

And that’s when she stopped drinking herself to death. This morning I read something equally profound stated long ago by the artist Agnes Martin;

“If you want life on your side or to be on the side of life against death you must surrender completely to life.”

As I’ve “matured and developed” (sic) in my own alcoholism over the past few years I’ve had a growing realization that one of the primary reasons I drink is to avoid the truth. The truth being the facts of and in my life that I don’t want to accept or deal with. I drink to protest these things, I drink to avoid these things, and I drink to forget them. In the spirit of Karymayhickey and Agnes Martin, I think by so doing I’ve been choosing death instead of life. What is “Life” in this context? Life simply is what is. It is the facts that I have chosen, by drinking, to protest, to avoid, ignore or forget.

When we make the conscious choice to start living and surrender completely to life, I think we can put the damn bottle down. That’s what I’m counting on. I choose to start living. I choose to surrender completely to life–finally. May it be so.

Nelson