This morning I opened an email from the online publication “Medium”. It suggested various articles for me to read, and then I saw this at the bottom of it:
And so I clicked on it, and this is the story it brought me:
I almost choked on my coffee.
It’s a full-length 20 page comic book style story of this girls own struggle with alcoholism.
Alright, I get it.
Enough is enough. Yes, I’m hungover again this morning. It’s obvious that while I love to drink, I’m unable to limit how much I drink, so I simply need to stop playing around with all this and just stop drinking altogether. This might seem like an obvious bloody no-brainer to those who know me, but for me it hasn’t, for reasons unknown to me quite frankly. Stupid is as stupid does?
A couple of weeks ago I had a spiritual experience of some sort. Let me describe it. I was walking to an A.A. meeting. It was a particularly fresh and lovely morning. The air was clear with the nascent scent of all that blossoms in the spring. The tree’s had virgin, bright nubile green leaves.
Seeing all of that — plus, plus, plus — soaking in it’s magnificence, I suddenly realized how powerful and great the Life Force really is. I had a brand new and fresh appreciation of its energy, of its being the life-blood of all that lives, with its tremendous power to create, sustain and nurture. I could also newly see how that same life force also mends and heals sickness and disease; the same tremendous power and energy behind everything.
I realized that that same life force could heal me also,
if I simply let go and allowed it to.
Not only that but it could give me a joy and pleasure in life far greater than a drop or a pint or even a gazillion gallons of alcohol ever could — if I let it, if I opened myself up to it, if I LET GO and let IT BE in my life.
That was it, in a nutshell. That realization changed me forever. I completely accepted it and believed it and I did let go…expecting that it — ! – hallelujah – ! — would release me from my alcoholism, just as it has so many in the A.A. program.
But it didn’t.
I was so very hopeful. I waited with renewed hope and enthusiasm. I thought I might even be able to drink moderately, because God knows, I love the pleasure that alcohol can bring. And here I am hungover again. What went wrong???
I went wrong. For me at least, it seems that the pleasure of having a nice little soiree buzz is simply not an option. I know now, more so than I ever have, that I just can’t drink. If I do, it’s going to kill me.
So today I’m going to start to detox myself. I’m not going to go to a pub. I’m not going to drink beer. I’m going to pick up some Vodka (which I detest) and V8 juice and drink just enough (I’ve done this safely before) to get me through a gradual detox over the next few days, and then I’m not going to ever. drink. again. Ideally. I intend to never drink again. I can’t predict tomorrow or next week. I can only do this day by day, like they say in A.A., “one day at a time”. God willing, as I let go and let God, I trust that the life force will heal me and enable me to be free…..finally free.
Oh may that day be ever more hastened!!!