Truth…

A few day’s ago, I was driving to meet a dear old friend at the pub. Whilst on transit, a thought came to me. One that has been haunting me for a very long time. That is, that the truth is, that we alcoholics don’t want to scarcely see, hear or know what the truth is about our condition. On the road that day, I suddenly saw it. I had goosebumps, all the way to the pub, where I drank only 2 pints, because I couldn’t drink more, having seen the truth. The truth is, all alcoholics are die-hard optimists! Yes! We keep hoping and dreaming that life is not the way that it is, but is rather the way that we would “like” to see it! The truth is, is is NOT. The TRUTH is, is that we have deceived ourselves with our cultural optimism! It has kept our eyes shrouded for Oh-too-long! The TRUTH is, that if we continue to drink, the drink will KILL US. We make all sorts of excuses along the way…along the way, the road to the truth. But the real truth is that alcohol is a beast, and it will kill us if we keep entertaining it. 

I am very close to that door. 

Last week my blood pressure was 160/110. My resting heart rate was 110. The doctor was worried about me! Since then, I have cut back. But, I have gone through several sleepless nights worrying that I would DIE! 

This morning my blood pressure was back to more or less normal. My heart rate was down to 70. Tonight, I didn’t go to the pub, but I have had too much wine at home. God willing, I’ll be able to pick up where I left off yesterday, tomorrow. God willing. That is, if the BEAST doesn’t kill me tonight.

I don’t mean to be a downer here, friends….the 99% of you who are clean and sober. I’m just reporting in on this “One drunk’s battle with the bottle”. Y’all take care. God willing, I’ll report in tomorra! Please wish me luck. That might help.

Nelson

Not well…

I honestly thought that by now I would be free from this scourge. That this bitter sweet cup would have been past me by now. But no. I continue to slowly but surely poison myself, cup by cup, sip by sip, drop by drop. I’m not sharing this to solicit sympathy or ask for help or anything of the sort. I’m just stating the facts. This is my journal, “One Drunk’s Tale”, left open for all to see. To see the destruction that the demon drink can do, does do, to a Joe Blow like me.

There was a time when I wouldn’t consider going into rehab, not so long ago really. I’d go now, if I could, but I can’t. Well I could if I lost everything and ended up on the street. Then the government run rehab would take me in. That’s the last place in this world that I would like to end up in, honestly. I had the money a few years ago to afford a really nice private rehab, but not anymore.

A.A. is a good program, if you work it. If you call your sponsor. If you go to meetings. I can’t even do that. I guess I’m doomed, destined to die, of just old age maybe, in the grip of this disease. Many do. I’d rather not be one of them. But look at me. I started this blog almost 8 years ago. At least my drinking hasn’t gotten worse. One concession, but it was already bad enough.

I’ll go to a meeting today, probably. You see, I know what to do. I just don’t do it. And I don’t know why. Perhaps I’ve finally hit bottom.

Nelson

 

We are all adrift…

All adrift on the sea of humanity. For us, getting free of our addiction brings unexpected results! Once sober we realize that our alcoholism is just a “symptom ” of our underlying disorder of mind or spirit.

When we get off the bottle, the demons come rushing in. All too ready to point out our imperfections of character that led us to medicate ourselves against them in the first place! 

What if our demons are in fact who we are? That would help to explain why so many relapse. 

What if we could find a way to see and work with our demons, our character defects, and put down their power over us!? 

What if!? I susect then we would find our freedom. 

Nelson

Why do I drink?

For starters, I love the effect. It makes me feel GREAT! It also helps me with coping with the difficult issues in my life that I cannot change.

It helps me to be ok with living alone. It helps me to be ok with my landlord saying I can never have a dog. A cat is “ok” but I’m allergic to cats. It helps me to swallow down and accept my situation with my children and grandchildren, who all live within 3 blocks from their dear Mother. That’s a space I will never be welcome to, only because she insists on having them all to herself. If I were to move closer, I would live to regret it. She promised me that years ago. I’m not a bad guy or abuser, or anything like that. I do have my own ideas and opinions about how my kids should-have-been raised.

I drink because my drinking buddies like my company. They are the only “family” that I have. My AA friends are very angry and upset alcoholics. Not fun to be around, I’m sorry.

I drink because I haven’t had the freedom to pursue my artistic talents. I live in a city with the highest home prices and rental suite prices in the WORLD, thanks to China. I drink because all of the above adds up to a lot of good reasons to drink. but in the end, I know not reason enough.

Don’t tell me to go to more A.A meetings. I’ve done that. I go, and then hit the pub to celebrate that I went!!!

The drink will probably kill me soon. Then I will have the best sleep of my life!

Nelson

Troll…

Someone appeared and then dissappeared as quickly as they  came…and accused me of being a “Troll”… Meaning Im not at all sincere. I don’t think they took the time to read my “About” page. Whatever! It does highlight the nature of the beast, here online. As much as we value this place, folks, it isn’t real life. I’m not a “Troll” though. Not at all. I am real guy here struggling with my alcoholism.