Today, I’ve been sober for a month, again, thanks in large part to the Antabuse. I made it a month sober just a couple months ago, but this month I’m another month more than the last month that I went a month, which took me months to get to.
But seriously…I need to pinch myself every day. Really…I can’t believe how far I’ve come in such a short period of time. I had NO IDEA how far down the rabbit hole I had gone. How could I? It was dark in there. Very, very dark. I mean, I see now that for YEARS AND YEARS — about 15 now, until now, it’s like I was under a spell. A deep, dark evil spell, like I had been hexed, or evil-eyed or something. It’s that dramatic, and I’m not just being dramatic.
I’m dead serious. I’ve been — yes, I’ve been like a ZOMBIE for the past 15 years — a bag of bones walking dead man, just like the zombies in the movies. Well, almost, but I hope you’re getting the point here. Point is, I DIDN’T KNOW THAT I WAS IN THAT STATE. I DIDN’T KNOW JUST HOW MUCH THE ALCOHOL HAD BEEN INFLUENCING ME, HOW MUCH IT HAD BEEN CONTROLLING ME, HOW MUCH I WAS UNDER ITS SPELL.
By far the biggest thing that I have discovered in the past few weeks is this: While I was actively drinking every day, the alcohol had completely — and I mean absolutely — clouded my vision to the point that I COULD NOT SEE what it had done to me. I couldn’t see the extent of it until I was out of it.
This didn’t happen during that first sober month back in Sept/Oct. My brain was — literally, still healing. As it was for most of this month. It wasn’t until about a week ago that I was well enough to see and comprehend this. Comprehend what?
Listen, medical science has shown, proven, that long term alcohol abuse destroys both the grey and white matter in the brain. After we stop drinking, it takes about a month for the lost gray matter in the brain to mostly rejuvenate. What’s the value of the grey matter? The grey matter includes regions of the brain involved in, among other things — memory, emotions, speech, decision making, and self-control. Show me a drunk who doesn’t have problems with those!
As for the white matter, it takes up to a year for it to be restored. What’s the white matter good for? It acts like a subway, connecting the grey regions of the brain together. Are “WE” getting the picture here? No wonder I couldn’t see, let alone understand any of this while I was still drinking! Because my brain was pickled, pan-fried, sploshed, smothered and sauteed in the damn sauce! My brain was, plain and simply, PHYSICALLY HANDICAPPED — incapable of seeing and understanding this — until it had healed well enough to see and understand it.
I can see! May we all.