New Year…happy.

Newyear2019

It’s 4 minutes to midnight. For the first time in ages, I’m not mourning the passing and misuse of yet another year wasted. Wasted from the drink, having stumbled along the cold cobble stone peach pit road, the path of the lonely and lost, wayward alcoholic; awake, in the midst of a nightmare of regressive regret.

Instead, I’m facing the other direction and welcoming in a new year with a new life and new life style — and stone cold sober at that. What a difference 4 minutes can make!

So, instead of waking up tomorrow morning tired, sick, wondering why I repeated the same disgusting, wretched insanity yet another time, I’ll be waking up to a new day and new year, fresh, free and yes, happy.

Happy New Year, friends. May we all be happy. 🙏

((((HUGS))))

Nelson

 

 

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One month sober…

seeclearly

Today, I’ve been sober for a month, again, thanks in large part to the Antabuse. I made it a month sober just a couple months ago, but this month I’m another month more than the last month that I went a month, which took me months to get to.

But seriously…I need to pinch myself every day. Really…I can’t believe how far I’ve come in such a short period of time. I had NO IDEA how far down the rabbit hole I had gone. How could I? It was dark in there. Very, very dark. I mean, I see now that for YEARS AND YEARS — about 15 now, until now, it’s like I was under a spell. A deep, dark evil spell, like I had been hexed, or evil-eyed or something. It’s that dramatic, and I’m not just being dramatic.

I’m dead serious. I’ve been — yes, I’ve been like a ZOMBIE for the past 15 years — a bag of bones walking dead man, just like the zombies in the movies. Well, almost, but I hope you’re getting the point here. Point is, I DIDN’T KNOW THAT I WAS IN THAT STATE. I DIDN’T KNOW JUST HOW MUCH THE ALCOHOL HAD BEEN INFLUENCING ME, HOW MUCH IT HAD BEEN CONTROLLING ME, HOW MUCH I WAS UNDER ITS SPELL.

By far the biggest thing that I have discovered in the past few weeks is this: While I was actively drinking every day, the alcohol had completely — and I mean absolutely — clouded my vision to the point that I COULD NOT SEE what it had done to me. I couldn’t see the extent of it until I was out of it.

This didn’t happen during that first sober month back in Sept/Oct. My brain was — literally, still healing. As it was for most of this month. It wasn’t until about a week ago that I was well enough to see and comprehend this. Comprehend what?

Listen, medical science has shown, proven, that long term alcohol abuse destroys both the grey and white matter in the brain. After we stop drinking, it takes about a month for the lost gray matter in the brain to mostly rejuvenate. What’s the value of the grey matter? The grey matter includes regions of the brain involved in, among other things — memory, emotions, speech, decision making, and self-control. Show me a drunk who doesn’t have problems with those!

As for the white matter, it takes up to a year for it to be restored. What’s the white matter good for? It acts like a subway, connecting the grey regions of the brain together. Are “WE” getting the picture here? No wonder I couldn’t see, let alone understand any of this while I was still drinking! Because my brain was pickled, pan-fried, sploshed, smothered and sauteed in the damn sauce! My brain was, plain and simply, PHYSICALLY HANDICAPPED — incapable of seeing and understanding this — until it had healed well enough to see and understand it.

I can see! May we all.

Nelson

 

 

Christmas blessings…

peace

Just a few more days until Christmas. I’m home, alone — but happy, because I’m three weeks sober and feeling better than I can ever remember. I mean ever. I’m not sure what’s different “this time”. I say this time because I have stopped drinking before, many times. Well, wait a second…I quit for three months about 15 years ago. Since then the longest I have quit was one month, and that was just a couple of months ago. Before that the longest I went dry was 3 or 4 days, a few times in the past 25 years.

No wonder it’s different this time. Doi! That’s the thing about drinking. When you’re in the middle of it, you just can’t see it. completely. You can’t see the full extent of it’s influence and effect upon you. Turns out, it’s impossible to see it, to see outside the little champagne bubble we are living in while we’re still in it. It’s like a fish out of water for the first time — it may have imagined what life on land was like, but while still in the water it just can’t get it.

One of the things that really helped me this time around was keeping this idea in mind, all the time. I suspected that while I was still drinking I may not be able to see the whole picture. So, I took that and decided to believe it, in faith. That faith didn’t disappoint! I discovered that it was true!

Thanks to that, I am so very happily sober tonight. Of course where I am tonight isn’t as simple as what I’ve just described. Everyone’s situation is uniquely different, but I also believe that there are some common elements that all alcoholics share.

May we all find some peace this Christmas….Christmas blessings to all.

Nelson

Countdown to Christmas…🎄

christmasstar

🎄This is the first Christmas season in, oh — at least 20 years, that I haven’t been moderately to magnificently drunk throughout it. In the evenings I mean. Hey, (pounding chest) I am a respectable, mature alcoholic! You know, one of those whatchamacallit “Highly functioning” alcoholic types. Holding down a good job in the day, yep — with nary a drop of the witches brew touching my lips until at least 4 o’clock! Only after 4 — even 5 sometimes, do I get rip-roaring drunk!

I’m SO proud of my so-fistication. Me’s a so-fisticated drunk me is. I tells it to meself when I’s looks in the mirror, I do! I say, “Mirror mirror that’s on the wall, how many bottles of beer until this guy falls?” “Not one, not two”, it say’s with glee, “Not four or four times four till you’re a bore! You’re the bright one, don’t you know? You should have your very own var-i-ety show”!

I’m so full of myself. Really full.of.it. Look at what I’ve done! Almost 60, no savings to my name, estranged from my children and grandchildren, wasted 25 of the best years of my life, using alcohol to cope with life. For a long time, you know — it worked! Alcohol did have a positive function/effect in my life, in a weird sort of way, especially when I went through my divorce. That’s when I started my serious drinking…and I didn’t care then that it would eventually try to kill me.

Fact is, I let alcohol have it’s rueful way with me. I want to really regret that, but I can’t. Alcohol has been a welcome guest at my place. I let it rape me. Yes, that was very self-destructive. Why did I do it!? I really don’t know. No one really knows why we do what we do, in the end. Maybe we’re not supposed to figure it out. Maybe that’s part of the enigma.

All I know is that I’m glad to be sober this Christmas. I’m not missing the damn pub or my damn pub buddies one damn little bit. My sobriety in just the past few weeks has been SO good, I don’t want — I just can’t, let it go, you know. So best I just put that all the commiserating behind me now and move on, don’t ya think? God willing, I’ll live a few more years to enjoy all the non-fermented fruits of this years Christmas gift…I do hope. I do wish.

May we all enjoy the same…if not today, then perhaps tomorrow or next week or next month or next year or next decade — I’ve been through all of those nexts’s…and here I am, finally free. Oh my God…yes, finally free. And if you aren’t already, you.can.be.too.

Together, we can reach our dreams. 🙏 We can be one, and one for all.

((((Hugs))))

Nelson🎄

Home alone…

candlelight

They say being a drunk is a solitary activity, regardless of where you are, who you’re with, whether at the bar or at home, with family or alone.

I’m home alone tonight, on this crest of the Christmas eve. Sober, but still practicing the solitary confinement. Tonight I didn’t buy the boy’s that extra Jager shot. Tonight I didn’t spend thirty dollars on gallons of beer. I didn’t even eat pizza because I was too drunk and lazy to cook. Tonight I didn’t trip going up the stairs. Tonight I didn’t forget my umbrella at the pub.

Yes, tonight I didn’t do a lot of things that I used to do most tonights. I’m ok with that, but I’m still here at home, alone. While I can’t even think about drinking because I’m taking the Antabuse, even if I wasn’t taking it, I don’t think I would have wanted to drink tonight. Well, I didn’t want to. Oh, I had the usual triggers at work today. Half-way through the day I paused for a moment and realized that “before” I would have used those things as an excuse to have my evening libations — my evening piss-up I mean of course, said the horse.

I’m not particularly proud of not drinking tonight, but I am glad that I didn’t. My day’s seem to be getting better and better without my warm little baby bottle. I’m still having terrible insomnia. Ha — the alcohol was always my cure for that…until I awakened at 2 or 3 AM and then couldn’t get back to sleep for another 2 or 3 hours that is.

I am alone, at home tonight, and it’s ok without the booze. The booze only made it worse in the end. It covered the smoky mirror, until for fear I uncovered it.

All that said, I’m still here at home, alone…and not the best time of year for a sober drunk to be alone, that’s for sure. But thanks to only a few weeks of sobriety, I now see that that the booze didn’t really help with all that aloneness stuff. That was an illusion. Smoke and mirrors, washed down with tears.

I’m still alone, but you know, it’s O-K. April showers bring May flowers, see?

May the blessings of the Xmas season and April’s shower’s pour down upon the all.of.us.

((((Hugs))))

Nelson