For the love of alcohol…


The first friend who I helped to quit drinking has been sober for almost 5 years now. Shortly after he quit drinking, he had what can only be called a “Spiritual Experience” — that was so powerful, to this day it’s enabled him to stay sober. This morning I was desperately thinking that “If only I could have an experience like Mark had, for sure I’d be able to stop drinking and stay sober”. Feeling like a 6 year old, I texted Mark and asked him if he thought it possible for something like that to happen to me. He replied that it could be and that, “God can do anything…God loves you Nelson…you are his little boy”. That touched me.

Then I thought about why I asked Mark that question. The answer seemed suddenly obvious. Well, because my drinking is consuming so much of my time and energy and money. I’m not as healthy as I could be and I’m spending way too much money on it. Indeed, that is all true and it really bothers me, and has for years. But then I admitted to myself, “But be honest here kid, the booze might be costing you money and your health to a certain extent, but the fact is you love to drink so much that you’re just not willing to let it go. In fact, you don’t really want to quit drinking. You just don’t want the negative consequences of it!

So true. In fact, I think the reason I’ve had such a hard time getting sober all these years is because down deep I don’t really want to get sober! I love alcohol — I just don’t want it to cost me so much. Bottom line is, I’m not strong or mature enough to give it up just in order to save money and be more healthy. That, and I don’t want to let go of the social life that goes along with it and I’m too lazy or not strong enough emotionally to make those changes.

I wonder if I have just truly identified the meaning of the word, “Alcohol Addiction” as it applies to my life?



Christmas poem…

Christmas time comes once a year.

Best to share with someone dear.

If not that, then good friends too.

Time to know those most truly, with just you.

Life’s blessings. Hard to find. Hard to mine. But still there, everywhere, ours to find…our richest, truest, gold mines here.

As for me, I grateful, true. And so glad to have all my friends, including you.


Little hope…

I wrote this in response to someone here going through her own hell — as the spouse of one of we drunks. I think it can stand here as a statement of the devastation that alcoholism can cause in families.

36 years ago my best friend, who was 21 at the time, came home from university one day. He entered the garage where he expected to see his alcoholic father doing his usual puttering about the garage on his various woodworking projects. Instead, my friend found his father swinging from the rafters. So ended years of living with a relentless alcoholic, so ended the fights between his father and mother, so ended the drunken rants. So ended my friends University studies. And so began my friends own gradual slow but sure spiral down the same path of misery. I never forgave his father for doing that — that way. Sometimes there IS no solution. Only the hoped for better out of nothing but bad options. Living in hell while still alive, not knowing what’s coming tomorrow. How to choose when there are no good choices? We hope for the best, I suppose.

What if…

What if every delusional persons delusions were true? Is delusion an illusion? Most would say “Yes”. But why!? What we choose to believe is based in truth, as we see it. While it may not be “socially acceptable”, whose to say what is right, or true, or not!?

In the end, tomorrow we could all be annihilated by an asteroid or a flu pandemic. What would be “socially acceptable” then?

Not that you should listen to this rambling drunk…which I am now and in general!

Take good care my friends! We all need it!



Ya, still here. Still getting liquored up nightly. Health is good, except for all these aches and pains, getting worse. Probably my kidneys and swollen liver, all a- quiver, knocking on the door. Who will win? I’m close to quitting the drink, but it might be too late. I live with that thought every night when I wake up, around 2 or 3, sobering up from last nights excess. And then we wrestle until 4 or 5 or 6 am before I finally fall back into a sober sleep for an hour or two.

I met a new friend. He’s an alcoholic!!! Who would have figured!!??? Old high-school friend on Facebook. Like attracts like, I guess!




Ya, that title will draw a lot. I don’t sew, but I do knit a little!

So, ya…I haven’t posted much for a while because I had a lot of people telling me to stop posting after I have been drinking. Not quite proper apparently. Well, tonight I decided that if I don’t post after drinking these days, then I’ll hardly post at all, which in my humble opinion, kind of defeats the purpose of my whole blog here — which is, to document either my “deliverance or demise” from the demon drink that we call alcohol. So I’m posting again tonight in the spirit of that (and full of the otherwise spirits).

I have cut down on my drinking, a bit. But, I’m still struggling. I would love to go to rehab, but I simply cannot afford the expensive ones and don’t want to lose my job, which I most surely would. So, I’m stuck. Story of my life!

On a positive note, I did start attending a “SMART Recovery” meeting group online today. The UK one. It was quite refreshing. I’m going to embrace this as yet undiscovered place. I’ve been so A.A. centred for so many years, I forgot that there are alternatives out there.

Wish me luck, or not. I’m going to keep writing more frequently, because I really do want to document publicly my experience, for better or for worse. If for worse, at least my children will know their father’s plight (they don’t know about this blog, but it’s in my will). If for the better, fantastic….and maybe a way for THEM to find their own way out of the forest, if they ever end up here, as I.

As for the rest of you, so sorry to be back, drunk, with my same old doom and gloom. Well, what’s a good show without it!!???



Choosing to live…

I’ve been profoundly moved by a comment Karymayhickey made a few days ago in response to one of my posts, about her choosing to live rather than waiting to die. Having reached a state similar to what I’ve been in recently, with high blood pressure and high anxiety and a high fear of dying every night from the drink, she suddenly chose the opposite, stating in her comment;

“No more waiting for death to come find me, I’m going to make it search its ass off, I’m going to start living.”

And that’s when she stopped drinking herself to death. This morning I read something equally profound stated long ago by the artist Agnes Martin;

“If you want life on your side or to be on the side of life against death you must surrender completely to life.”

As I’ve “matured and developed” (sic) in my own alcoholism over the past few years I’ve had a growing realization that one of the primary reasons I drink is to avoid the truth. The truth being the facts of and in my life that I don’t want to accept or deal with. I drink to protest these things, I drink to avoid these things, and I drink to forget them. In the spirit of Karymayhickey and Agnes Martin, I think by so doing I’ve been choosing death instead of life. What is “Life” in this context? Life simply is what is. It is the facts that I have chosen, by drinking, to protest, to avoid, ignore or forget.

When we make the conscious choice to start living and surrender completely to life, I think we can put the damn bottle down. That’s what I’m counting on. I choose to start living. I choose to surrender completely to life–finally. May it be so.