Truth…

So, I did survive the night a few days ago, after that horrific hangover, thank God. Obviously I did, since I am writing this. Either that or I’m dead and some kind soul figured out my WordPress password (1234) and is carrying on for me.

Not likely.

Alright then, actually, this is me, the bone fide Nelson. I’m at the pub celebrating! What on earth could this drunk be using as yet another excuse to drink? Let me tell you.

I had a very long, hard day, working.

My job entails a fair bit of physical work, and I’m not getting any younger. I worked my ass off most of the day. And, today it’s really hot here, so I came here to the pub to cool off. Their air conditioning is excellent. My apartment is around 30 degrees celsius, 86 degree Fahrenheit.

So, I’m here mostly for the air conditioning — really, but of course I am enjoying the beer cooling me off from the inside…

I’m finishing my third pint and then going home. No more plans to drink any more tonight. I AM able to taper down, which is my plan, and my plan is still to get to zero. I need to experience life without alcohol. It’s been too many years…too many dollars and my health is taking a beating, so ya, I’m very serious about this.

And, thanks to my recent re-reading of Krishnamurti, I truly am seeing the “Truth”, the reality, the fact of my drinking. Only Truth — what IS, can set us free.

Amen,

Nelson

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Celebration of light…?

fireworks

It’s almost 10 pm again. I had only 3 beers today. That’s all I could stomach, I was so hungover all day. Around 6 I thought I was having a stroke, but it turned out to just be the 3rd beer kicking in, thank God. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest most of the day, until I lay down for half an hour and meditated. I’m afraid that I might die overnight, left to rot for days until they find me.

I never want to go through another day like today. Does that mean tomorrow will be different? Assuming I awaken, I’ll feel so much better than I have today. I might feel so good that I’ll gleefully guzzle that 4 pm beer plus God knows how many more.

Emma said something that really hit home in one of her comments, how much she hated the very thought of being the way she used to be when she was in her obsessed crazy wine life, the way I seem to be stuck now….how true. How pathetic I am.

I don’t know what to do now. Maybe try Antabuse. Although, I have been re-reading one of my favourite philosophers, Jiddu Krishnamurti. He talks about being aware, and how once we see the truth about something clearly, we can drop it, without effort. Like seeing a snake on the path ahead, we don’t have to “try” to avoid it, we just do. I think I’m seeing the full extent of my alcoholism.

Funny coincidence, as I wrote the last sentence I could hear off in the distance the local fireworks show begin. The “Celebration of Light” it’s called. I’m choosing to celebrate the light that I’m seeing tonight about my alcoholism.

May it be so. Amen.

Nelson

 

135/92

So, ya, thanks to drinking a lot less in the last couple of days, my blood pressure is back down to what my doctor would say is, “Safe levels for a man your age”. Well that’s great. Although, I might have blown it tonight. Hit the pub, big time, and the beer, especially when I found out that a very dear friend had recently died.

Not that that should be an excuse for my drinking in excess tonight, but I took it and ran with it. So my blood pressure tomorroa’ will probably be up again. Oh well. Here’s to my dear Polish friend, “Bugsy”. Sad to see him go, but frankly, I’m surprised he lived this long.

They found him slumped over, dead, at a bus stop. Waiting for the bus that never came, or those that came and went while he was slumped over there, expired.  He wasn’t in good health. His blood pressure on a good day for the last 10 years was like 250/150. Really!!! And he took med’s for it, when he remembered to take them. He was 65.

So, thank you Bugsy, for giving me another excuse to drink in excess tonight. May I live to see as many tomorrow’s as you!

“Na Zdrowie!” (That means “Cheers in Polish”.

May you sleep forever well, my dearly parted friend, Bugsy, and to you and your’s reading this here now.

Nelson

 

 

148/101

high-Blood-Pressure

I wish I could say that I did simply quit drinking a couple weeks ago, as my last post declared. No such ruck. The good news is that it’s 10 pm and I’m not so drunk that I can’t be bothered to write. Not SO drunk, but a little still. Not like all too many nights in the past.

I guess quitting a 40 year habit isn’t quite that simple.

Well, who’d have thunk it?

I have cut back, some, the last 2 days. More by necessity — my blood pressure is into dangerous levels, completely caused by the booze. But, well I think I really am close to quitting, hopefully before I stroke-out or die of a heart attack.

So that’s the good news!

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens next.

Nelson

 

Third…

third

So, well I have to address those few who have very kindly commented thus far. Thank you! Bless you!

As for me, I’m not after breaking any records. Nor do I think that I am someone special. I’m just your usual, ordinary drunk. I don’t think I have anything out of the ordinary stopping me from drinking. In fact, I think many before me, and many after me will be able to quit the drink. I should have, could have, but haven’t yet, for some reason. Oh well.

I may never quit drinking. But, I hope that I do. I would love to experience life without the booze. I’m SURE my music composition skills would come rushing back. Maybe. Make my life worthwhile aside from siring two kids and grandchildren who live so far from me that I never see them, sadly. What kind of life is that!?

That said, I LOVE alcohol. I love the feeling I get after a few, or a lot, of it. Am I doomed to die an alcoholic’s death? I hope not.

Tomorrow is yet another day. May I see the light of sobriety. May I just see the light period, please God.

Nelson.

Second day…?

secondday

Is this the second day? Honestly, I’m not sure. I was at the pub last night. Got royally pissed up, picked up a delicious pizza on the way home and devoured that gleefully. I think I had a cider with it too. I love cider.

I’m having a cider now in fact. Well, not just one. It’s my 5th. Phhhhhht! 5 is NOTHING for me! This is a light evening of drink for me. I got onto the cider after getting onto the GOUT a few years ago. Cider has little or no “Purines”…the chemical stuff in beer and beef that gout feeds on.

I always know when I meet someone who has experienced Gout. We’ll be chit-chatting about this or that and then somehow the conversation wanders into Gout territory. Mention the word to someone who has experienced it and their facial expression is as unmistakable as one biting into a lemon. You just KNOW they have been through it. We instantly relate. Takes one to know one. Imagine driving a big nail into your big toe….

Enough about Gout. After last night’s bar piss-up, today I had to have just enough to start ye-ole’ taper-down. So 5 ciders (5%) tonight and that’s it. Beans, wieners and toast for dinner now, then hopefully a better sleep than last night. Will be, most likely.

Tomorrow, I’m planning to have no more than 3 drinks. But you know what will probably happen, like it has countless times? My best friend will arrive back in town, call me and say, “Hey!!! Let’s go for beeeeeeers! I’m buying!”. And I’ll go, cause I love the guy (in a brotherly way, I mean). But I’ll try to take it easy at the pub with him. Limit my drinks.

Am I really serious about quitting? ABSOLUTELY. But, it isn’t that easy for some. Really? Yes, really. Sorry to disappoint those who just decided to quit one day and fu*#ing did it the next. My father quit smoking just like that. Lucky him, lucky you. As for me, I’ll get there, I’ll get there…down that road eventually, I just know it. I think. I hope.

Nelson

Squad….quick….march!

Nijmegen Marches

My Scottish drill sergeant in the police academy used to bark that marching command at us. I’ve never forgotten it, now 40 years later.

So, I find myself at a crossroad of sort. Left or right, which way I go. To the left, drunkenness and perdition. To the right, first a turn and then a steady walk towards sobriety.

It’s not just around the corner for me.

No, no, no, I’m not that lucky. Rather, it’s WAY down the road. I can see it though, and that’s what’s important, I think, I hope.

Tomorrow, then (July 4th), I’m making the turn to the right. My blinker is on tonight! I know the road is bumpy and treacherous, full of pot-holes, falling tree’s, possums, skunks, earthquakes and tornadoes, but I think I’m finally up to it. Damn the torpedoes!!! Quick! March! Left, right, left, right, left……RIGHT it is.

A step in the right direction.

See you there.

Nelson