So….

Ya, that title will draw a lot. I don’t sew, but I do knit a little!

So, ya…I haven’t posted much for a while because I had a lot of people telling me to stop posting after I have been drinking. Not quite proper apparently. Well, tonight I decided that if I don’t post after drinking these days, then I’ll hardly post at all, which in my humble opinion, kind of defeats the purpose of my whole blog here — which is, to document either my “deliverance or demise” from the demon drink that we call alcohol. So I’m posting again tonight in the spirit of that (and full of the otherwise spirits).

I have cut down on my drinking, a bit. But, I’m still struggling. I would love to go to rehab, but I simply cannot afford the expensive ones and don’t want to lose my job, which I most surely would. So, I’m stuck. Story of my life!

On a positive note, I did start attending a “SMART Recovery” meeting group online today. The UK one. It was quite refreshing. I’m going to embrace this as yet undiscovered place. I’ve been so A.A. centred for so many years, I forgot that there are alternatives out there.

Wish me luck, or not. I’m going to keep writing more frequently, because I really do want to document publicly my experience, for better or for worse. If for worse, at least my children will know their father’s plight (they don’t know about this blog, but it’s in my will). If for the better, fantastic….and maybe a way for THEM to find their own way out of the forest, if they ever end up here, as I.

As for the rest of you, so sorry to be back, drunk, with my same old doom and gloom. Well, what’s a good show without it!!???

Blessings,

Nelson

Choosing to live…

I’ve been profoundly moved by a comment Karymayhickey made a few days ago in response to one of my posts, about her choosing to live rather than waiting to die. Having reached a state similar to what I’ve been in recently, with high blood pressure and high anxiety and a high fear of dying every night from the drink, she suddenly chose the opposite, stating in her comment;

“No more waiting for death to come find me, I’m going to make it search its ass off, I’m going to start living.”

And that’s when she stopped drinking herself to death. This morning I read something equally profound stated long ago by the artist Agnes Martin;

“If you want life on your side or to be on the side of life against death you must surrender completely to life.”

As I’ve “matured and developed” (sic) in my own alcoholism over the past few years I’ve had a growing realization that one of the primary reasons I drink is to avoid the truth. The truth being the facts of and in my life that I don’t want to accept or deal with. I drink to protest these things, I drink to avoid these things, and I drink to forget them. In the spirit of Karymayhickey and Agnes Martin, I think by so doing I’ve been choosing death instead of life. What is “Life” in this context? Life simply is what is. It is the facts that I have chosen, by drinking, to protest, to avoid, ignore or forget.

When we make the conscious choice to start living and surrender completely to life, I think we can put the damn bottle down. That’s what I’m counting on. I choose to start living. I choose to surrender completely to life–finally. May it be so.

Nelson