Beer and Mustard…

mustardbeer

I couldn’t do it. By around 2, I was feeling so OFF and spacey. If I’m going to do this — which I WILL — I guess I need to wean myself off the booze over a period of a week or so, not over just a few days. Hey, I’ve really disappointed myself here too! Big time. But as they say, “Old habit’s die hard”. Call me the Bruce Willis of “Die Hard Addiction!!!”. Willis won out in the end, and that is my aim and goal as well. Not today, but oh well. I’m still in here slugging.

Tomorrow is another day. Tonight, I drank too much again….after I realized that I couldn’t shove that Antabuse pill down my throat. I came close! But my work day presented me with so many challenges, I just had to have a few, and as it turns out, a few too many, to cope, to escape, to ignore my challenge of the day.

Peyton Place indeed!!! Almost better than an soap opera, I am!!! Perhaps I should write a series based on my pathetic life!? I DO need something to finance my retirement!!!

I’m O-K with my progress, and apparent failure today. WHY??? Because I have been drinking for 40 years, 20 of that too much. The last week has shown me that I CAN cut back and recycle…I mean, reduce….haha…my intake to get to the Antabuse point! I WILL get there!!! I promise. Another few days…

I hear Canada geese in flight above my place tonight! Heading south now, I suppose. The weather here has turned. Makes sense. Smart geese! Dummy me –yet, with hope still!!!

Nelson

 

 

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14 days…

tree

No, not 14 days sober. Rather, that’s how long I’ve had the Antabuse — and I still haven’t taken it. Why? I don’t really know why, although I’ve had some interesting insights in the meantime. For the first week or so I wanted to get in a few last “Hurrah’s” at the pub. I told most of my friends that I’m going to be taking it. They have been fairly supportive.

But it’s like my addiction has suddenly taken on a life of it’s own. Like Jekyll and Hyde being in the same room together, at the same time. One side of me wants to take the Antabuse, the other doesn’t, and doesn’t care what happens to me in the meantime. It’s hard to describe.

I can’t explain it really. Part of me just wants to damn the torpedoes and self destruct. To give up, give in, spin off into oblivion…

NO.

I’m planning to have no more than 3 sleeves (not pints) of cider tomorrow (today — it’s 4:15 AM) and then start the Antabuse on Sunday, but I’ve been saying the same thing for over the past week. What’s going on? Give up, give in, spin off into oblivion. Come on, just give up, give in, spin into oblivion.

NO.

Give up, give in, spin off into oblivion!

NO!

Nelson

 

Over the wall…

ladder2

Someone used that ladder to climb over the Mexico-U.S. wall. And they made it, into America, the land of the FREE. Well, tomorrow, around 2 pm I’ll be climbing the same, away from my life of alcohol addiction, to my freedom on the other side…Sobriety.

I had GREAT things planned for today. Picked up a small bottle of my favourite sparking wine (2 glasses 3/4 full). Picked up all the fixings for a home-made hamburger. I even bought myself a nice slice of Chocolate cake — all of this to celebrate and send myself off in grand style, my last night with alcohol, along with the luscious burger and desert, like my own little party to say goodbye to the 40 year love of my life….alcohol. So romantic!

I really enjoyed the two glasses of sparkling wine – all that I had planned to drink tonight. But I enjoyed those SO much, that I thought I’d zip down to the local beer and wine store to buy just one more small can of cider, to celebrate the celebration! I picked up a 6 pack.

After happily drinking 4 of those celebratory ciders, I ate the Safeway deli, “Loaded Potato Salad” entree that I got when picking up the burger things. But, then I was too lazy to make the burger, so I threw a couple hot dogs on, sliced up the hamburger bun and some fresh onion, and thoroughly enjoyed it, instead of the burger. I’m not going to eat the cake…well, cause I didn’t do things as planned. No icing on this cake for me tonight!

SO….I’ve decided, assuming my high blood pressure doesn’t kill me over night…no more liquor send-offs. They say one only has to wait 12 hours after having a drink before starting the Antabuse. That will be 8 AM tomorrow morning. But they also say, that 24 hours is even better. Well, I’m going to call it a draw, and tomorrow, 18 hours after my last drink tonight, around 2, I’ll take the first dose of Antabuse. That will guarantee that I don’t drink tomorrow. I might go through a bit of alcohol withdrawal, but since I’m not a 24/7 drinker, it won’t be anything very serious. I hope.

So there you have it. Although, I think I might eat a little bit of that chocolate cake now…

TTFN, then, till tomorrow after 2….I will report in after taking the first dose of the Antabuse….my first chapter of the “Antabuse Chronicles” will be written, and we will go from there.

Farewell my love….my dearest alcohol. It’s been great, mostly, kind of, sort of. But, I’ve had enough of you. I’m bored. I need a change. Actually, I just need and truly do want a healthy life, without your miserable. alcoholic. premature death.

Nelson

Antabuse…

So……miracles of miracles, I sweet talked my doctors receptionist to give me 5 minutes (by her insistence) with my doctor today. Today, was his last day there for the next two weeks. I told her what I needed and she said she would do her best to fit me in. And she did, a few hours later (I live close-by). I gave her a Thank You card.

Upon seeing my doc, I went direct to the point and said, “Doc, I need the poor-mans rehab….I need Antabuse.” He was taken aback. Although we have talked about it previously, he wasn’t even sure if it was still available here in Canada. Oi! Nevertheless, he gave me the script for it. As he handed it to me he kindly said, “I certainly can’t say you haven’t been working hard to beat this”. I have yet to get it filled. Hoping to hell that it’s still available.

Whether it’s available or not, at least I went for it today. Kudos to Emma and others for shaming me to care more about myself!

Nelson
Post-script…YES, my local pharmacy has it, or can get it. They have to actually make up the pill’s, as it is so rarely prescribed apparently, so those will be ready for me on Monday or Tuesday. That’s good, actually, because I hear one is best to taper down off the booze before starting it. That’s my plan then, for the next few days. Right-on! Here’s to an alcohol-free future!!! I feel so fortunate and blessed and, yes — hopeful!

Lock the door?

groundhog

I don’t know how many times, when I am about to go to bed, I pause before locking my door. Why? Because, I don’t want the police or whoever to have to break the door down to get in if I die overnight, because I’m drunk, have high blood-pressure, could stroke out, have a heart attack or god knows what and die during the night. I live alone, so this is something I go through often.

One of these nights, if I don’t quit drinking so heavily, I just may pass away like that. Or, I could be like my friend Alan at the pub. The guy is 75 years old. He sits in the pub from around 3 pm to 7 or so, before going home to his infirm wife. He probably has 6 or 7 pints, and in between goes out for a smoke, every half hour or so. He loves to play Keno. When I ask him if he’s winning…he laughs and says he “breaks even”. God bless him. Well, God HAS blessed him, I think.

Alan is a light in my day. I hope that I am the same to him. And, I do hope that if I continue on drinking as I do that I will keep on keeping on as well as he has.

I didn’t go to my doctor’s office today to try to squeeze myself in to an appointment to get the Antabuse. Rather, I wasn’t feeling well, having worked so hard physically for the last couple of weeks straight. Today was my do-nothing day. I went to the grocery store to pick up fresh veggies, and beer of course. That’s all I could do.

I’m so tired. Mostly from my work, but also I’m tired of the same-o, same-o routine. When I roll out of bed in the morning, I think of the excellent Bill Murray movie, “Groundhog Day”….and feel like I’m living it myself. Every day being an endless repeat of yesterday, or so it seems.

I haven’t given up, although I have given up hope. Hope, contrary to the words of Jesus, DOES disappoint. Well, it does if that’s the way we view it. Hope, I think, keeps us stuck in our personal groundhog day’s, thinking that perhaps tomorrow will be different. I think that is an illusion. Rather, I think our hope lies beyond ourselves, beyond our own narrow viewpoint in and of life.

Well, I hope it does. 😉 Take care my friends.

Nelson

Some things are meant to be…

Beautiful tune….some things are meant to be, a tide turning endlessly. This morning I had all intent to have my coffee and then head straight to my doctors office, to insist to see my doc within the next week or so (they are booking TWO MONTHS in advance, thanks to the Canadian doctor’s shortage) so that I could get him to prescribe me some Antabuse.

Thanks to Emma’s commenting and encouragement and others, I’m finally convinced to give the Antabuse a try. I call it the “Poor man’s rehab”….I can’t afford to go to rehab, but I do think that the threat and risk of dying if I drink while taking the Antabuse will be enough to keep me from drinking. I’m convinced of that.

So, during my coffee this morning, I discovered that my new cell-phone was not working. Out the window flew my plans to go to my doctors office. First thing I had to do was go to the Telus store to get my phone fixed, because I depend on it for my work. I also had some banking to do near-by, so it was convenient.

By 11 I was finished with the cell phone issue…had to send it in for a warranty repair. But, by then, too late to go to my doctors office. I had to get back to work, a client expecting me.

I find it interesting how life seems to interfere with our best laid plans, as Robert Burns so aptly said…”The best laid plans of mice and men go awry”…..

So, here I am, all pissed up again at home writing this. Actually, my visit at the pub today was most meaningful. I have recently connected with someone there who “just happens” to know many, many people from my past…especially during my early years as a cop. Quite uncanny, actually….but I feel BLESSED! How to explain that!?

I will try again tomorrow morning to go to my doctors office for that prescription. Let’s see if the universe intercedes again….

Well, in closing, I must say…I have been re-reading a lot of the teachings of Krishnamurti recently, and he say’s, when it comes to bad habits and all that, that when one sees the truth of the matter, that just that — the Truth — seeing fully WHAT IS — can set one free, without any effort at all. I see the truth in that…

Nelson

 

Truth…

So, I did survive the night a few days ago, after that horrific hangover, thank God. Obviously I did, since I am writing this. Either that or I’m dead and some kind soul figured out my WordPress password (1234) and is carrying on for me.

Not likely.

Alright then, actually, this is me, the bone fide Nelson. I’m at the pub celebrating! What on earth could this drunk be using as yet another excuse to drink? Let me tell you.

I had a very long, hard day, working.

My job entails a fair bit of physical work, and I’m not getting any younger. I worked my ass off most of the day. And, today it’s really hot here, so I came here to the pub to cool off. Their air conditioning is excellent. My apartment is around 30 degrees celsius, 86 degree Fahrenheit.

So, I’m here mostly for the air conditioning — really, but of course I am enjoying the beer cooling me off from the inside…

I’m finishing my third pint and then going home. No more plans to drink any more tonight. I AM able to taper down, which is my plan, and my plan is still to get to zero. I need to experience life without alcohol. It’s been too many years…too many dollars and my health is taking a beating, so ya, I’m very serious about this.

And, thanks to my recent re-reading of Krishnamurti, I truly am seeing the “Truth”, the reality, the fact of my drinking. Only Truth — what IS, can set us free.

Amen,

Nelson