It’s a beautiful sunny and warm morning here, and I’m spending it nursing a hangover from a two day bender. I don’t feel well, but I have been worse. That said, I really don’t like this, this way of life that I’ve chosen and become enslaved to.
Such a waste of my life.
How to stop destroying myself and start living? I just need to decide, and do it. I’d normally be the last guy to suggest such a simplistic answer to what I’ve historically painted as a nearly impossible feat, but now, in my defeat, I know it’s true. I simply have to decide, and do it.
I’ve decided. So that’s it then.
So, well I have to address those few who have very kindly commented thus far. Thank you! Bless you!
As for me, I’m not after breaking any records. Nor do I think that I am someone special. I’m just your usual, ordinary drunk. I don’t think I have anything out of the ordinary stopping me from drinking. In fact, I think many before me, and many after me will be able to quit the drink. I should have, could have, but haven’t yet, for some reason. Oh well.
I may never quit drinking. But, I hope that I do. I would love to experience life without the booze. I’m SURE my music composition skills would come rushing back. Maybe. Make my life worthwhile aside from siring two kids and grandchildren who live so far from me that I never see them, sadly. What kind of life is that!?
That said, I LOVE alcohol. I love the feeling I get after a few, or a lot, of it. Am I doomed to die an alcoholic’s death? I hope not.
Tomorrow is yet another day. May I see the light of sobriety. May I just see the light period, please God.
Is this the second day? Honestly, I’m not sure. I was at the pub last night. Got royally pissed up, picked up a delicious pizza on the way home and devoured that gleefully. I think I had a cider with it too. I love cider.
I’m having a cider now in fact. Well, not just one. It’s my 5th. Phhhhhht! 5 is NOTHING for me! This is a light evening of drink for me. I got onto the cider after getting onto the GOUT a few years ago. Cider has little or no “Purines”…the chemical stuff in beer and beef that gout feeds on.
I always know when I meet someone who has experienced Gout. We’ll be chit-chatting about this or that and then somehow the conversation wanders into Gout territory. Mention the word to someone who has experienced it and their facial expression is as unmistakable as one biting into a lemon. You just KNOW they have been through it. We instantly relate. Takes one to know one. Imagine driving a big nail into your big toe….
Enough about Gout. After last night’s bar piss-up, today I had to have just enough to start ye-ole’ taper-down. So 5 ciders (5%) tonight and that’s it. Beans, wieners and toast for dinner now, then hopefully a better sleep than last night. Will be, most likely.
Tomorrow, I’m planning to have no more than 3 drinks. But you know what will probably happen, like it has countless times? My best friend will arrive back in town, call me and say, “Hey!!! Let’s go for beeeeeeers! I’m buying!”. And I’ll go, cause I love the guy (in a brotherly way, I mean). But I’ll try to take it easy at the pub with him. Limit my drinks.
Am I really serious about quitting? ABSOLUTELY. But, it isn’t that easy for some. Really? Yes, really. Sorry to disappoint those who just decided to quit one day and fu*#ing did it the next. My father quit smoking just like that. Lucky him, lucky you. As for me, I’ll get there, I’ll get there…down that road eventually, I just know it. I think. I hope.
Right, no more “Day 1’s” for me.
How did this first day of the rest of my life go? Depends on your perspective. I celebrated tonight, with a bunch of beers, that I have finally let go of getting sober, let go of A.A., let go of fretting over my drinking. Just let go and let be.
The mistake I made was going back to the pub. One friend after another came in, welcoming me back and buying me beers. I just kept pounding them back. So? So what. Tomorrow, God willing, is another day. Another day to keep walking towards that light that I do see at the end of the tunnel. My walk to fame. My long journey back to sobriety.
That’s it. I’ve got this. I really believe that I do. I guess we’ll see.
My Scottish drill sergeant in the police academy used to bark that marching command at us. I’ve never forgotten it, now 40 years later.
So, I find myself at a crossroad of sort. Left or right, which way I go. To the left, drunkenness and perdition. To the right, first a turn and then a steady walk towards sobriety.
It’s not just around the corner for me.
No, no, no, I’m not that lucky. Rather, it’s WAY down the road. I can see it though, and that’s what’s important, I think, I hope.
Tomorrow, then (July 4th), I’m making the turn to the right. My blinker is on tonight! I know the road is bumpy and treacherous, full of pot-holes, falling tree’s, possums, skunks, earthquakes and tornadoes, but I think I’m finally up to it. Damn the torpedoes!!! Quick! March! Left, right, left, right, left……RIGHT it is.
A step in the right direction.
See you there.
When I awakened this morning I lingered in bed, staring at the ceiling, asking myself a simple question:
Do I really want to live?
This wasn’t a suicidal thought!
Rather, I was asking myself if I wanted to really live life to the fullest or stay on my current path of slowly and certainly wasting away, my health, my talents, my potential, my hopes and dreams. Going the easy way.
Imagine that! The so-called, “Easy way” in this life leads only to perdition; doom. Lying down is such an easy thing to do. Staying there is even easier.
So this morning I had to make a choice before getting out of bed. I was very serious. I had to choose between living life or not. After about ten minutes wresting with that, I decided to get up.
I guess I chose Life.
I’m not as thunk as you drink I am…
Debatable, most likely. But I would like to share a piece of music by a dear friend of mine. I’m a composer too…a wannabe anyway. At least I can share music close to my heart…here you go: https://soundcloud.com/timothyporr/melancholy
I love music. The booze has robbed me of all interest in continuing to compose, sadly. It shouldn’t be, but it is.
What to do, what to do!!!!?????
Well, it is as it is.