Here we go again…day 1.

Yup, here I go again. But THIS time, I’m really going to do it. How do I know that? I don’t know how I know, I just know that I know. There is something different about that. I’ve committed myself to 30 days starting today. If I do the 30 days — which I am certain that I will — then I will continue FOREVER. I’ve told my friends, who are all chiefly drinking friends (the main thing we share in common anyway) that I’m doing this 30 day thing and that I have to have their support. In fact I told them that if I don’t do this 30 days that I’m going to quit my job and go into rehab and then a half-way house and disappear. Yes, I’m open to rehab, finally, if that’s what it takes to get and keep me sober. I don’t think I’ll end up there — but I am willing to do it now if I need to.

So here we go. I’m going to do whatever it takes to get and stay sober. A.A. meetings — anything and everything to do this, by God’s grace. I choose LIFE! See you there!

Nelson

5…

Five beers tonight (Tuesday). At zero by Saturday, forever. No “Moderation Management” planned for this guy. Tried that, many–too many–times. Doesn’t work for me. Total abstinence is my plan, finally. Well, reluctant acceptance of the facts that have stacked up for so long than I just cannot ignore them any more. It is what it is. I WILL achieve this by Saturday.

I’m thinking about starting up a video blog once I’m sober for a while. I’ve been following a fellow in the UK whose down to earth, candid and unrehearsed videos have really helped me recently. Here’s a link to one of his most recent to really impact me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_flWP7_fZJ4&t=884s

Nelson.

 

Flight…

A bird that fly’s and stops along the way on this branch or that, on this tree or that, is responsible not just for the place where it ends its journey, but for every place where it stopped along the way.

In the same way, every drunk like me is responsible for all of our past, our drunken irresponsible flight from there to here. We all know that, and that makes being sober that much more difficult. But from what I hear, especially from the “Promises” stated in A.A., we can be forgiven, we can discover new life, regardless. This keeps me going.

I’m on a self-imposed detox this week. By the weekend I plan to be off the bottle, forever. That’s my plan. I believe it will happen. I believe I will make it happen, with the strength of my higher power, whatever that is, that which is beyond myself, that I know is there for me.

Thanks to all those who have supported me up to this this branch on this tree. This tree of Life.

Pressure…

Blood pressure, that is. For as long as I can remember my blood pressure has averaged around 145/95. Yes, that’s considered “high”. No, my doctor didn’t put me on medication for it. Rather, he meekly encouraged me to keep working on my “interest” to quit drinking. I suspected he knew something that I didn’t. I hoped that was the case anyway. His worry about my pressure may have been under-rated, and my worry peaked a couple weeks ago when it hit 160/110. So I went to see another doctor.

The other doctor, in the same clinic, had my chart history. “So” he said blankly, “I see you’ve got fatty liver.” From my hungover numb-skull I dredged up a, “Yup”. “Well your pressure is high so lets send you for blood tests and then see me or Dr. M next week”. I knew what the blood tests were for — to see just how “fatty” my fat bloody liver is now. Fatty liver is stage 1 of alcoholic liver disease and is reversible. Stage 2 is cirrhosis, which is not. I didn’t go for the blood tests. I just went home and prayed that I wouldn’t stroke out or die.

Then last week I had my little “Truth” epiphany. The one that gave me goosebumps. Since then I have–no, not “miraculously” stopped drinking. I wish. Rather, I have, let’s call it, “melodramatically” been able to limit my drinks to “around-3” per day. It wasn’t easy. After around-3 I really wanted another round or more, but didn’t, for fear of death mostly. That and I’m broke, which helped.

8 days ago my pressure was 160/110. 5 days ago it was 147/93. 2 days ago it was 138/92. This morning it is 125/82. Holy crap. That’s with averaging around 3 drinks per day; sleeves to be exact, of beer. The fear of death has left me, for now. I say “for now” because I know damn well I could go right-back-out there and ramp it all back up again.

But maybe this time I won’t race out and ramp up again because, well, I’ve seen the truth. And, borrowing from the bible somewhere it says “the truth shall set you free” –? Hmmmmmm.

I guess we’ll see. And oh–I don’t plan to “limit” my drinking. I want to be bloody free of it altogether. For those who have stuck with me here, thanks a million, and stay tuned.

Nelson

Truth…

A few day’s ago, I was driving to meet a dear old friend at the pub. Whilst on transit, a thought came to me. One that has been haunting me for a very long time. That is, that the truth is, that we alcoholics don’t want to scarcely see, hear or know what the truth is about our condition. On the road that day, I suddenly saw it. I had goosebumps, all the way to the pub, where I drank only 2 pints, because I couldn’t drink more, having seen the truth. The truth is, all alcoholics are die-hard optimists! Yes! We keep hoping and dreaming that life is not the way that it is, but is rather the way that we would “like” to see it! The truth is, is is NOT. The TRUTH is, is that we have deceived ourselves with our cultural optimism! It has kept our eyes shrouded for Oh-too-long! The TRUTH is, that if we continue to drink, the drink will KILL US. We make all sorts of excuses along the way…along the way, the road to the truth. But the real truth is that alcohol is a beast, and it will kill us if we keep entertaining it. 

I am very close to that door. 

Last week my blood pressure was 160/110. My resting heart rate was 110. The doctor was worried about me! Since then, I have cut back. But, I have gone through several sleepless nights worrying that I would DIE! 

This morning my blood pressure was back to more or less normal. My heart rate was down to 70. Tonight, I didn’t go to the pub, but I have had too much wine at home. God willing, I’ll be able to pick up where I left off yesterday, tomorrow. God willing. That is, if the BEAST doesn’t kill me tonight.

I don’t mean to be a downer here, friends….the 99% of you who are clean and sober. I’m just reporting in on this “One drunk’s battle with the bottle”. Y’all take care. God willing, I’ll report in tomorra! Please wish me luck. That might help.

Nelson

Why do I drink?

For starters, I love the effect. It makes me feel GREAT! It also helps me with coping with the difficult issues in my life that I cannot change.

It helps me to be ok with living alone. It helps me to be ok with my landlord saying I can never have a dog. A cat is “ok” but I’m allergic to cats. It helps me to swallow down and accept my situation with my children and grandchildren, who all live within 3 blocks from their dear Mother. That’s a space I will never be welcome to, only because she insists on having them all to herself. If I were to move closer, I would live to regret it. She promised me that years ago. I’m not a bad guy or abuser, or anything like that. I do have my own ideas and opinions about how my kids should-have-been raised.

I drink because my drinking buddies like my company. They are the only “family” that I have. My AA friends are very angry and upset alcoholics. Not fun to be around, I’m sorry.

I drink because I haven’t had the freedom to pursue my artistic talents. I live in a city with the highest home prices and rental suite prices in the WORLD, thanks to China. I drink because all of the above adds up to a lot of good reasons to drink. but in the end, I know not reason enough.

Don’t tell me to go to more A.A meetings. I’ve done that. I go, and then hit the pub to celebrate that I went!!!

The drink will probably kill me soon. Then I will have the best sleep of my life!

Nelson