Well…

plane

Well, I would like to be able to report that by now I’ve weaned myself off and am alcohol free, but I’m not. My plans all went to hell on Wednesday when in my infinite alcoholic wisdom I decided I could go to the pub to work on a couple of reports. It was early, so I doubted I would see any of my buddy’s. WRONG. One was already there. Had been since noon. He was just about to leave when I walked in, so like a good bar buddy he decided to have one more to keep me company. By the time he left, another buddy had come in. I went home — 4 hours later — all pissed up.

Thursday I was hungover, of course, and so when another buddy texted me around 1 pm, I didn’t hesitate joining him at the other pub we frequent. I got home about 8 pm. Went straight to bed. Yesterday, I started at noon. Got home around 7. I drank less yesterday, so today I feel ok. Back to square one.

I seem to be able to limit how much I drink as long as I stay home. If I go to the pub, forget it. I’m tempted to be discouraged, but I won’t. I’m going to taper down over the next few days again and give another go for zero by Tuesday or Wednesday, and no pubs. I’m going to start going back to the A.A. meetings when I’m feeling the itch to get out and socialize. I just have to do this!

Nelson

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Tic, tac, toe…

tictacktoe

I rarely write after I’ve been drinking. Tonight is different. This is the third night in a row that I have had very little to drink. Tonight is toe — less than tic and and less than tac. I think I might be able to floss and brush my teeth tonight. That might sound odd to some, but when I’m drinking a lot, I don’t have the energy to practice proper hygiene, not until the morning anyway — if I’m not too hungover and have the energy. Ok, I’ve very rarely gone more than two days without brushing my teeth, so I guess I’m not that bad. I consider myself lucky, in that respect.

I’ve been what they call a “Functioning alcoholic” for like, 35 years. Able to brush my teeth most of the time. I shower every day, look good and work quite well. But still, I consider myself a drunk. I’ve wasted so many years drinking. My therapist tells me to not be so hard on myself. I try.

Anyway, I thought I’d report on this 3 day progress, because I can. This really IS progress. My plan for tomorrow is to drink less than tonight, and the same for the next day, until I just don’t drink at all. I think I can do this finally.

God help me.

Nelson

For the love of alcohol…

shootingstars

The first friend who I helped to quit drinking has been sober for almost 5 years now. Shortly after he quit drinking, he had what can only be called a “Spiritual Experience” — that was so powerful, to this day it’s enabled him to stay sober. This morning I was desperately thinking that “If only I could have an experience like Mark had, for sure I’d be able to stop drinking and stay sober”. Feeling like a 6 year old, I texted Mark and asked him if he thought it possible for something like that to happen to me. He replied that it could be and that, “God can do anything…God loves you Nelson…you are his little boy”. That touched me.

Then I thought about why I asked Mark that question. The answer seemed suddenly obvious. Well, because my drinking is consuming so much of my time and energy and money. I’m not as healthy as I could be and I’m spending way too much money on it. Indeed, that is all true and it really bothers me, and has for years. But then I admitted to myself, “But be honest here kid, the booze might be costing you money and your health to a certain extent, but the fact is you love to drink so much that you’re just not willing to let it go. In fact, you don’t really want to quit drinking. You just don’t want the negative consequences of it!

So true. In fact, I think the reason I’ve had such a hard time getting sober all these years is because down deep I don’t really want to get sober! I love alcohol — I just don’t want it to cost me so much. Bottom line is, I’m not strong or mature enough to give it up just in order to save money and be more healthy. That, and I don’t want to let go of the social life that goes along with it and I’m too lazy or not strong enough emotionally to make those changes.

I wonder if I have just truly identified the meaning of the word, “Alcohol Addiction” as it applies to my life?

Nelson

Booze & Balls…

balls

Oh boy, I sure tied on a good one last night. Wasn’t going to have a drop. But I ended up joining an old friend, “just for a couple”. After he left, I had a “couple” more for good measure. Then the ol’ liquid courage kicked in and I had a great idea. My buddy, and another buddy of mine, have been having relationship problems. So, I figured I’d text them both exactly how to solve their problems, because at that moment, I had become all-knowing and infinitely wise!

Man I can text fast when I’m drunk! I went on and on, sending one great text after another, for about a half hour. They didn’t even interrupt me by answering back! I felt so proud of myself. I set them straight I did! I told them exactly how to deal with their significant others in ways that would dramatically improve the quality of their lives, their partners, their children and even their future generations! It was “Life according to Nelson”, the all-knowing, infinitely wise expert on virtually everything. I was on fire! Right — on fire DRUNK!

When I woke up this morning, hungover, feeling like crap, for some reason I wasn’t able to think of myself as all-knowing and infinitely wise. I felt like a damn IDIOT. In fact, I even convinced myself that I was. An infinitely wise conclusion there!

So I texted my two friends and did the right thing. Said I was sorry for drunk texting them, that I really needed to get off the damn booze. Neither of them answered me, for some reason…

I don’t need to wonder why they haven’t answered me, 5 hours later now. You see, that wasn’t the first time I exercised my “booze and balls” on those two feller’s. I’ve drunk texted them quite a few times, and others aside from them. I even had the booze balls to set my boss straight once! Just once, cause he said he’d fire me if I ever did it again.

I’m not at all proud of myself today. I feel like heel. I know I can be an idiot when I’m drunk. I know I’m a drunk. I know where I’m going to end up if something doesn’t change, soon. What to do!? I just texted one of my newly sober “Dry January” friends that very question. He replied, “Stop drinking!” Hmmmmm. He might be on to something!

Nelson

On and on and on it goes….

longroad

Yes, I’m still drinking and drinking. Well, maybe I’m being too hard on myself. I have been drinking less. At least I’m getting better rather than worse. But I’m impatient. I don’t understand why I can’t just QUIT. Why is this such a battle for me? Well, I love alcohol, that’s why. The cost so far has not outweighed the benefit — my perceived benefit. Perceived, because I know that the alcohol is not good for me. A bunch of not goods. Not good for my health, not good for my finances, not good for my relationships, not good for my job, not good for my creativity.

A friend of mine—a previous bar-buddy of mine, just finished a two month stint at Rehab. He’s a changed man. He has no interest in drinking anymore. I think it’s marvelous. In fact it was I who convinced him to go! Fortunately, his family could easily afford the 40 thousand dollars cost. Two other bar-buddies of mine who I convinced to join me in doing the “Dry January” thing—and who, as apposed to me, actually did it—have changed their lives as well. One has decided to stop drinking altogether, forever. The other plans to drink very little from now on. Also marvelous. That’s a total of 4 people now who I have helped to stop their destructive drinking. Meanwhile Nelson keeps sucking it back, pint after pint, night after night.

On and on and on it goes…

Nelson

Sort of desperate…

“Someone” sent me a message a couple days ago….that they dropped in to take a look and then realized that my blog was more about my drinking, rather than about sobriety. Well, yes! They must not have read my intro page….about my blog being all about either my “deliverance or demise” from alcohol. As much as their post depressed me, even more so a fresh response from someone else today inspired and refreshed me! Thank God for that, cause, folks, I don’t know if I’m getting better or worse. Alcoholism is such an insidious disease! I think I’m getting better and soon to quit altogether, but I can’t be sure!? Why!? Because this is the nature of the disease. While I hope for tomorrow, I just can’t be sure of it. I wish I could be sure, but I can’t….so where I will end up, in the coffin or dancing on top of it remains a mystery! I’m hoping for the victory dance. At least I still have hope….

Nelson

It’s ok…

nectar

5 night’s in a row now with very little alcohol. While I have aspired to do the whole, “Dry January” thing, my reality has necessitated a gentler, easier way to ease myself into it. I’ve been drinking less and less each night, tapering down to tomorrow, which I hope will be my first alcohol free day in a very long time.

Already, good things are happening. My memory is improving. I can concentrate for longer than a minute. I’m feeling feelings, smelling smells, feeling the soft touch of my cashmere cardigan, and of oh-this and oh-that! I’m connecting with everything and everyone around me! Feeling here, in the moment, rather than just being as I was going from one hangover misery to the next, like a Zombie.

I don’t believe in Zombies, not like the TV and movies depict, but I do believe in our being capable of being in a near Zombie like state, we heavy drinkers as we almost merrily go from one drunken eve to the next. The days might be sober, but just until the witching hour, until whatever time it is that we all pick up that next drink and desperately dig our way back to the land of the lost, where Zombies roam, that we drunks call home.

But I’m not there!!! I’m here!!! I’ve just been somewhat absent for a very, very long time. I’m not a Zombie, but I have been close, to that for too, too, too, oh so very, too long. But I’m back!!! Yes, I’m here. I feel me again, and it’s ok. It’s ok.

A drop of freedom’s nectar adorns my lip. I taste it and it is so very sweet and oh, so very good.

Yes, it is all ok…

Nelson