For the love of alcohol…

shootingstars

The first friend who I helped to quit drinking has been sober for almost 5 years now. Shortly after he quit drinking, he had what can only be called a “Spiritual Experience” — that was so powerful, to this day it’s enabled him to stay sober. This morning I was desperately thinking that “If only I could have an experience like Mark had, for sure I’d be able to stop drinking and stay sober”. Feeling like a 6 year old, I texted Mark and asked him if he thought it possible for something like that to happen to me. He replied that it could be and that, “God can do anything…God loves you Nelson…you are his little boy”. That touched me.

Then I thought about why I asked Mark that question. The answer seemed suddenly obvious. Well, because my drinking is consuming so much of my time and energy and money. I’m not as healthy as I could be and I’m spending way too much money on it. Indeed, that is all true and it really bothers me, and has for years. But then I admitted to myself, “But be honest here kid, the booze might be costing you money and your health to a certain extent, but the fact is you love to drink so much that you’re just not willing to let it go. In fact, you don’t really want to quit drinking. You just don’t want the negative consequences of it!

So true. In fact, I think the reason I’ve had such a hard time getting sober all these years is because down deep I don’t really want to get sober! I love alcohol — I just don’t want it to cost me so much. Bottom line is, I’m not strong or mature enough to give it up just in order to save money and be more healthy. That, and I don’t want to let go of the social life that goes along with it and I’m too lazy or not strong enough emotionally to make those changes.

I wonder if I have just truly identified the meaning of the word, “Alcohol Addiction” as it applies to my life?

Nelson

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Booze & Balls…

balls

Oh boy, I sure tied on a good one last night. Wasn’t going to have a drop. But I ended up joining an old friend, “just for a couple”. After he left, I had a “couple” more for good measure. Then the ol’ liquid courage kicked in and I had a great idea. My buddy, and another buddy of mine, have been having relationship problems. So, I figured I’d text them both exactly how to solve their problems, because at that moment, I had become all-knowing and infinitely wise!

Man I can text fast when I’m drunk! I went on and on, sending one great text after another, for about a half hour. They didn’t even interrupt me by answering back! I felt so proud of myself. I set them straight I did! I told them exactly how to deal with their significant others in ways that would dramatically improve the quality of their lives, their partners, their children and even their future generations! It was “Life according to Nelson”, the all-knowing, infinitely wise expert on virtually everything. I was on fire! Right — on fire DRUNK!

When I woke up this morning, hungover, feeling like crap, for some reason I wasn’t able to think of myself as all-knowing and infinitely wise. I felt like a damn IDIOT. In fact, I even convinced myself that I was. An infinitely wise conclusion there!

So I texted my two friends and did the right thing. Said I was sorry for drunk texting them, that I really needed to get off the damn booze. Neither of them answered me, for some reason…

I don’t need to wonder why they haven’t answered me, 5 hours later now. You see, that wasn’t the first time I exercised my “booze and balls” on those two feller’s. I’ve drunk texted them quite a few times, and others aside from them. I even had the booze balls to set my boss straight once! Just once, cause he said he’d fire me if I ever did it again.

I’m not at all proud of myself today. I feel like heel. I know I can be an idiot when I’m drunk. I know I’m a drunk. I know where I’m going to end up if something doesn’t change, soon. What to do!? I just texted one of my newly sober “Dry January” friends that very question. He replied, “Stop drinking!” Hmmmmm. He might be on to something!

Nelson

Dry January…*cough*

martini

Ah, well at the beginning of the month I joked with my friends when they asked me how my “Dry January thing” was going and I said, “Well, let’s just say that it’s mostly dry with the occasional showers!”. We all got a laugh. Truth is–it’s been showers EVERY day. Nothing even close to there being a dry day in it thus far. But, that doesn’t really surprise me. In fact it doesn’t even bother me.

Doesn’t bother me? Has ‘Nelson the psychopath’ finally emerged? No, no, nothing as serious as that, although I haven’t seen a psychiatrist for a professional opinion. There is no need. Well, you see, I went into this whole Dry January thing with only one expectation; that by the 31st of the month I would be off the booze. I’ve given myself a whole month to do this, to wean myself off, taper down and all that. Today is the 24th. I still have 8 days to accomplish this, and I really think I’m going to do it.

I’ve stopped going to the pub. That’s been hard. The first two weeks were the hardest, but now I’m quite comfortable with staying home and getting drunk. Ok, that’s a “ha-ha-ho-ho” thrown in. Actually, staying home, I’m drinking about half amount that I used to. One night I had only 3 small cans of 5% cider. I’ve been averaging about 4 cans of the same per night for most of the month (except for the 2 times I went back to the pub and got really drunk, of course, but those don’t count right?).

So here’s the rub. Turns out I’ve had quite the love affair with my booze, for a very, very, very long time (like, 40 years). I can’t just dump her (no pun intended). I’m having to let her go gently, as it turns out, and I think I’ve been doing pretty well with that, which is why I think I’ll be able to give her my final farewell sometime in the next few days, on target for the 31st at the latest…wow, that was a long sentence.

So there we be. And, by the way, two of my best “pub buddies”, who I convinced to join me on this Dry January thing have actually done very well with it compared to me. One is at day 23, the other at day 14. Both of them told me yesterday that they have no plan to go back to the bottle, ever! How great is that!? Awesome great that is. Warms my heart.

Onward and upward.

Nelson

Neverland…

tree

A Christmas update from this drunk here in Vancouver, Canada. I hope to share with all you there. This could be a poem, but it surely won’t, because I’m serious, perhaps a bit delirious, thanks to the drink that consumes me every day. But on this special Christmas day, I do pray….that you all have had, a truly great Christmas, full of peace, harmony and happiness. Seriously.

Yes, I pray. I do! I’ve had a difficult few weeks and months, to be honest. While the obsession to drink has left me, I have kept up the habit. I really, really hoped to wake up this Christmas morning sober and free, but all I found was a broken tree. Well, no, I don’t have a tree. Well, I do. There it is above for you.

Anyway. I’ve signed on and committed to doing the UK “Dry January” thing. It just got its start 5 years ago, but has gained momentum. There are millions of people engaged with it now. Many who do take the month off drinking make a change for the positive in their lives, which is wonderful. I’m thinking about bringing the program to Canada. Well, I have 5 of my drinking pal’s signed up for it already! Would be great to expand that.

So, ya, I’m going to do the Dry January thing….and if I am successful at that, I will keep it going for as long as I can! That’s my plan. God help me.

Christmas blessings to you all.

Nelson

Christmas poem…

Christmas time comes once a year.

Best to share with someone dear.

If not that, then good friends too.

Time to know those most truly, with just you.

Life’s blessings. Hard to find. Hard to mine. But still there, everywhere, ours to find…our richest, truest, gold mines here.

As for me, I grateful, true. And so glad to have all my friends, including you.

N

Without a sigh…

stairs

We walk upon these stairs so deep, not knowing for what they keep.

A deep dark mystery awaits us there, there…at the bottom of the stairs.

For those so bold to go, to that place we do not know, we tread down steadily upon the keep, still not yet knowing how how wide or deep.

And yet we go, with heads held high, we go down boldly without a sigh.

And when we land we see the place, and see the mirror that reflects our face, and yet we go still boldly still, to that place that will surely kill.

What hope remains, is still there too, a place of solace for me and you. We hold to that, heads held up high, and move on boldly without a sigh…

Nelson