First day…

candle

Right, no more “Day 1’s” for me.

How did this first day of the rest of my life go? Depends on your perspective. I celebrated tonight, with a bunch of beers, that I have finally let go of getting sober, let go of A.A., let go of fretting over my drinking. Just let go and let be.

The mistake I made was going back to the pub. One friend after another came in, welcoming me back and buying me beers. I just kept pounding them back. So? So what. Tomorrow, God willing, is another day. Another day to keep walking towards that light that I do see at the end of the tunnel. My walk to fame. My long journey back to sobriety.

That’s it. I’ve got this. I really believe that I do. I guess we’ll see.

Nelson

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It’s ok…

nectar

5 night’s in a row now with very little alcohol. While I have aspired to do the whole, “Dry January” thing, my reality has necessitated a gentler, easier way to ease myself into it. I’ve been drinking less and less each night, tapering down to tomorrow, which I hope will be my first alcohol free day in a very long time.

Already, good things are happening. My memory is improving. I can concentrate for longer than a minute. I’m feeling feelings, smelling smells, feeling the soft touch of my cashmere cardigan, and of oh-this and oh-that! I’m connecting with everything and everyone around me! Feeling here, in the moment, rather than just being as I was going from one hangover misery to the next, like a Zombie.

I don’t believe in Zombies, not like the TV and movies depict, but I do believe in our being capable of being in a near Zombie like state, we heavy drinkers as we almost merrily go from one drunken eve to the next. The days might be sober, but just until the witching hour, until whatever time it is that we all pick up that next drink and desperately dig our way back to the land of the lost, where Zombies roam, that we drunks call home.

But I’m not there!!! I’m here!!! I’ve just been somewhat absent for a very, very long time. I’m not a Zombie, but I have been close, to that for too, too, too, oh so very, too long. But I’m back!!! Yes, I’m here. I feel me again, and it’s ok. It’s ok.

A drop of freedom’s nectar adorns my lip. I taste it and it is so very sweet and oh, so very good.

Yes, it is all ok…

Nelson

What if…

What if every delusional persons delusions were true? Is delusion an illusion? Most would say “Yes”. But why!? What we choose to believe is based in truth, as we see it. While it may not be “socially acceptable”, whose to say what is right, or true, or not!?

In the end, tomorrow we could all be annihilated by an asteroid or a flu pandemic. What would be “socially acceptable” then?

Not that you should listen to this rambling drunk…which I am now and in general!

Take good care my friends! We all need it!

Nelson

Checking in…verses out.

Time for a check-in, me thinks. Yes, I’ve had a few drinks. Less than usual, chiming in on a positive note.

I’ve been investigating the whole “SMART Recovery” approach to alcoholism since my last visit. It has some really good things about it. I especially like how it focuses on, as they say, “Science based” approaches to alcoholism. They de-emphasize the use of labels, such as “Alcoholic” or “Recovery” and choose instead to stand on the back of Dr. Albert Ellis, who founded the whole movement known as “Rational Emotive Therapy” (RET). Dr. Ellis died in 2007 as the age of 93.

In a nutshell, RET does not ascribe to the typical “powerless over alcohol” model made so popular with A.A. Ellis, and all of those who have preceded him and continue to promote his teachings, hold to the notion that an individual can, with appropriate guidance and understanding, get a grip on their alcoholism and can with old fashioned hard work and effort not only overcome it — it with it’s haunting labels of being alcoholic, or of one being forever in recovery — and grow past it, without the need to “become addicted to meetings instead of alcohol”, and be free. Well, SMART Recovery is now considered the 2nd most effective treatment for alcoholism, although their organization is yet minuscule compared to A.A.

So, SMART Recovery seems to work for some people. And so does A.A. And so does LifeRing and so does a bunch of other alcohol treatment and rehab centres and organizations around the world.

I think, that just as we are all unique and different human beings, that there are unique and different ways to treat alcoholism. For most it’s a matter of finding the method that works best for them…for you. There is no, “One size fits all” treatment for alcoholism out there.

So, before this post gets too long to bother reading, where does all this put me, this “One Drunk”? It puts me right into the Gumbo soup! The soup that has a little bit of everything mixed into it! There is no simple Consume soup for this guy. I have to take what I can get from all of it out there. Taylor-fit it for just me. Today I wrote out a list and posted it in three places in my apartment. The title of it is, “I will do whatever it takes to stay clean and free of alcohol today”. Then below that I wrote a list of about 20 things that I can do right now, today, to help me not drink. I put one above my toilet, one on my bedroom wall and one on the fridge. I think it’s going to help. Tomorrow, I’ll explain a little more about the philosophy behind it.

Take good care, folks!

Nelson

 

Pressure…

Blood pressure, that is. For as long as I can remember my blood pressure has averaged around 145/95. Yes, that’s considered “high”. No, my doctor didn’t put me on medication for it. Rather, he meekly encouraged me to keep working on my “interest” to quit drinking. I suspected he knew something that I didn’t. I hoped that was the case anyway. His worry about my pressure may have been under-rated, and my worry peaked a couple weeks ago when it hit 160/110. So I went to see another doctor.

The other doctor, in the same clinic, had my chart history. “So” he said blankly, “I see you’ve got fatty liver.” From my hungover numb-skull I dredged up a, “Yup”. “Well your pressure is high so lets send you for blood tests and then see me or Dr. M next week”. I knew what the blood tests were for — to see just how “fatty” my fat bloody liver is now. Fatty liver is stage 1 of alcoholic liver disease and is reversible. Stage 2 is cirrhosis, which is not. I didn’t go for the blood tests. I just went home and prayed that I wouldn’t stroke out or die.

Then last week I had my little “Truth” epiphany. The one that gave me goosebumps. Since then I have–no, not “miraculously” stopped drinking. I wish. Rather, I have, let’s call it, “melodramatically” been able to limit my drinks to “around-3” per day. It wasn’t easy. After around-3 I really wanted another round or more, but didn’t, for fear of death mostly. That and I’m broke, which helped.

8 days ago my pressure was 160/110. 5 days ago it was 147/93. 2 days ago it was 138/92. This morning it is 125/82. Holy crap. That’s with averaging around 3 drinks per day; sleeves to be exact, of beer. The fear of death has left me, for now. I say “for now” because I know damn well I could go right-back-out there and ramp it all back up again.

But maybe this time I won’t race out and ramp up again because, well, I’ve seen the truth. And, borrowing from the bible somewhere it says “the truth shall set you free” –? Hmmmmmm.

I guess we’ll see. And oh–I don’t plan to “limit” my drinking. I want to be bloody free of it altogether. For those who have stuck with me here, thanks a million, and stay tuned.

Nelson

Happy New Year..?

Can’t say I’m very happy. Bad hangover today. Xmas and New Years is a blur. I feel like a total loser. Well, I’ve definitely been losing the battle with the bottle, but to be honest I haven’t even wielded my sword against it. I’ve been an all too willing participant. But I do plan to taper down and be alcohol free by Wednesday or Thursday this week and join in to the “Dry January” pledge that is quite popular over in the UK. I can do a few weeks sober, I think. And then maybe forever. One day at a time.

Don’t tell me I need to go to rehab. I am seeing an addictions counselor, at least. IF alcohol takes me down and I end up losing my job, then I’ll qualify for the government run program and then I WILL willingly go into rehab. I don’t think that that’s going to happen, though. I am optimistic that 2017 WILL be a happy new year, will be the year that I get free from this beast.

May we all be, or continue to be, free. May the light of grace shine upon us all.

Nelson
P.S. Thanks to Beththesobergirl for posting today after a long absence…motivated me to write today as well, thank you…

Thanksgiving blessings….

So last night (Tuesday night here in Canada) I cooked my finally thawed out Turkey and really enjoyed it. Well, after the blood stopped flowing anyway. Whilst carving it, the knife slipped and I severly cut my thumb, right on the joint. I narrowly missed hitting a major vein and tendon, thank God.

The turkey was delicious. I enjoyed a second helping of the same tonight. My thumb is in wraps. Totally bandaged. I have all my first aid and emergency responder training, so I knew what to do last night.

Someone messaged me today that they fell off the wagon, big time. I responded by telling them just how much I can relate to that. I’ve been off the wagon for ages! In a controlled sort of way, lucky for me…I can still function day to day…although I have difficulty figuring out just WHAT day it is from day to day! Not important. Not while we are caught in the grip of our alcoholism. Every morning when I sit on the John (the “WC” for our Great Britian readers) I ruminate, try to pontificate even, but end up having to just truncate all of that and figure out what day it is. I’m usually pretty close, within a day or two. I don’t wear a watch, so it’s not that easy!

Anyway, my point is. To my friend here who fell off the wagon, SO WHAT!? Like, it’s not an easy thing to fall off the wagon in our culture!? Getting on the wagon is the hard part. Those of us here are trying to get on and stay on the bloody wagon because we know that it’s not good for us and if we keep on like this, then the booze is going to KILL US!!!!

Everyone here knows that the booze will kill us, if we let it. IF WE LET IT!!! I know that that is easier said than done. Well, as for me, unless I stroke out or have an Upper GI bleed-out, which is beyond our control (especially when on blood-thinners as I am) I am NOT going to let this dis-ease kill me!!!

Join me. Your company is most welcome, and by the way, you are loved, by me and all the rest of us here on WordPress. Don’t forget that! It just might be the ultimate secret and path to our being free!!!

Nelson