I honestly thought that by now I would be free from this scourge. That this bitter sweet cup would have been past me by now. But no. I continue to slowly but surely poison myself, cup by cup, sip by sip, drop by drop. I’m not sharing this to solicit sympathy or ask for help or anything of the sort. I’m just stating the facts. This is my journal, “One Drunk’s Tale”, left open for all to see. To see the destruction that the demon drink can do, does do, to a Joe Blow like me.
There was a time when I wouldn’t consider going into rehab, not so long ago really. I’d go now, if I could, but I can’t. Well I could if I lost everything and ended up on the street. Then the government run rehab would take me in. That’s the last place in this world that I would like to end up in, honestly. I had the money a few years ago to afford a really nice private rehab, but not anymore.
A.A. is a good program, if you work it. If you call your sponsor. If you go to meetings. I can’t even do that. I guess I’m doomed, destined to die, of just old age maybe, in the grip of this disease. Many do. I’d rather not be one of them. But look at me. I started this blog almost 8 years ago. At least my drinking hasn’t gotten worse. One concession, but it was already bad enough.
I’ll go to a meeting today, probably. You see, I know what to do. I just don’t do it. And I don’t know why. Perhaps I’ve finally hit bottom.
How many lives have been lived and died?! On the bottle! Me here. Pickeled. All is good.
All adrift on the sea of humanity. For us, getting free of our addiction brings unexpected results! Once sober we realize that our alcoholism is just a “symptom ” of our underlying disorder of mind or spirit.
When we get off the bottle, the demons come rushing in. All too ready to point out our imperfections of character that led us to medicate ourselves against them in the first place!
What if our demons are in fact who we are? That would help to explain why so many relapse.
What if we could find a way to see and work with our demons, our character defects, and put down their power over us!?
What if!? I susect then we would find our freedom.
For starters, I love the effect. It makes me feel GREAT! It also helps me with coping with the difficult issues in my life that I cannot change.
It helps me to be ok with living alone. It helps me to be ok with my landlord saying I can never have a dog. A cat is “ok” but I’m allergic to cats. It helps me to swallow down and accept my situation with my children and grandchildren, who all live within 3 blocks from their dear Mother. That’s a space I will never be welcome to, only because she insists on having them all to herself. If I were to move closer, I would live to regret it. She promised me that years ago. I’m not a bad guy or abuser, or anything like that. I do have my own ideas and opinions about how my kids should-have-been raised.
I drink because my drinking buddies like my company. They are the only “family” that I have. My AA friends are very angry and upset alcoholics. Not fun to be around, I’m sorry.
I drink because I haven’t had the freedom to pursue my artistic talents. I live in a city with the highest home prices and rental suite prices in the WORLD, thanks to China. I drink because all of the above adds up to a lot of good reasons to drink. but in the end, I know not reason enough.
Don’t tell me to go to more A.A meetings. I’ve done that. I go, and then hit the pub to celebrate that I went!!!
The drink will probably kill me soon. Then I will have the best sleep of my life!
Someone appeared and then dissappeared as quickly as they came…and accused me of being a “Troll”… Meaning Im not at all sincere. I don’t think they took the time to read my “About” page. Whatever! It does highlight the nature of the beast, here online. As much as we value this place, folks, it isn’t real life. I’m not a “Troll” though. Not at all. I am real guy here struggling with my alcoholism.
U see. I am still a drunk. For those who cannot understand my plight…well, enuf said. I am not ashamed! I am real. Alcoholism is a bitch! Welcome to my world!!!
At the risk of losing everyones incredible support…I put in a few great sober days but went out to the pub tonight and happily watched the Oscars. Got pissed. Loved it. Back on the wagon tomorrow. At least I’m moving in the right direction!!!