Death Row…

Guillotine

The last few days have been a challenge. My pharmacy has had to “Compound” the Antabuse for me, meaning measure it out and put it into capsules for me to take. I pick it up tomorrow. Well, it’s given me time to reflect, and mourn. I feel like I’m on death row…meaning, my old and familiar life is about to die….and, ya, that pretty well sums it up!

I still haven’t been able to wrap my head around how, once I start taking the Antabuse, that the last 20 + YEARS will be over with the booze. It’s like I’m losing a limb, or a loved one. This is SERIOUS shit happening!!!

I know that I cannot drink once I start taking the Antabuse — and I definitely will NOT drink. I’m going to have to face being sober right in the face. The longest I have been sober in the last 20 something years is 4 days!!!

So, yup, this is a game changer, a life changer, a whatever else we might choose to call it changer. I’m a bit scared, to be honest! Scared, but also hopeful, that this will change my life for the better. Ironically, my daughter is having my 4th grandchild tomorrow. A new life is coming into this world, the same day that I’m starting my new life sober…

Life, as it is, and as it’s meant to be, I dearly hope!

Nelson

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Antabuse…

So……miracles of miracles, I sweet talked my doctors receptionist to give me 5 minutes (by her insistence) with my doctor today. Today, was his last day there for the next two weeks. I told her what I needed and she said she would do her best to fit me in. And she did, a few hours later (I live close-by). I gave her a Thank You card.

Upon seeing my doc, I went direct to the point and said, “Doc, I need the poor-mans rehab….I need Antabuse.” He was taken aback. Although we have talked about it previously, he wasn’t even sure if it was still available here in Canada. Oi! Nevertheless, he gave me the script for it. As he handed it to me he kindly said, “I certainly can’t say you haven’t been working hard to beat this”. I have yet to get it filled. Hoping to hell that it’s still available.

Whether it’s available or not, at least I went for it today. Kudos to Emma and others for shaming me to care more about myself!

Nelson
Post-script…YES, my local pharmacy has it, or can get it. They have to actually make up the pill’s, as it is so rarely prescribed apparently, so those will be ready for me on Monday or Tuesday. That’s good, actually, because I hear one is best to taper down off the booze before starting it. That’s my plan then, for the next few days. Right-on! Here’s to an alcohol-free future!!! I feel so fortunate and blessed and, yes — hopeful!

Lock the door?

groundhog

I don’t know how many times, when I am about to go to bed, I pause before locking my door. Why? Because, I don’t want the police or whoever to have to break the door down to get in if I die overnight, because I’m drunk, have high blood-pressure, could stroke out, have a heart attack or god knows what and die during the night. I live alone, so this is something I go through often.

One of these nights, if I don’t quit drinking so heavily, I just may pass away like that. Or, I could be like my friend Alan at the pub. The guy is 75 years old. He sits in the pub from around 3 pm to 7 or so, before going home to his infirm wife. He probably has 6 or 7 pints, and in between goes out for a smoke, every half hour or so. He loves to play Keno. When I ask him if he’s winning…he laughs and says he “breaks even”. God bless him. Well, God HAS blessed him, I think.

Alan is a light in my day. I hope that I am the same to him. And, I do hope that if I continue on drinking as I do that I will keep on keeping on as well as he has.

I didn’t go to my doctor’s office today to try to squeeze myself in to an appointment to get the Antabuse. Rather, I wasn’t feeling well, having worked so hard physically for the last couple of weeks straight. Today was my do-nothing day. I went to the grocery store to pick up fresh veggies, and beer of course. That’s all I could do.

I’m so tired. Mostly from my work, but also I’m tired of the same-o, same-o routine. When I roll out of bed in the morning, I think of the excellent Bill Murray movie, “Groundhog Day”….and feel like I’m living it myself. Every day being an endless repeat of yesterday, or so it seems.

I haven’t given up, although I have given up hope. Hope, contrary to the words of Jesus, DOES disappoint. Well, it does if that’s the way we view it. Hope, I think, keeps us stuck in our personal groundhog day’s, thinking that perhaps tomorrow will be different. I think that is an illusion. Rather, I think our hope lies beyond ourselves, beyond our own narrow viewpoint in and of life.

Well, I hope it does. 😉 Take care my friends.

Nelson

Some things are meant to be…

Beautiful tune….some things are meant to be, a tide turning endlessly. This morning I had all intent to have my coffee and then head straight to my doctors office, to insist to see my doc within the next week or so (they are booking TWO MONTHS in advance, thanks to the Canadian doctor’s shortage) so that I could get him to prescribe me some Antabuse.

Thanks to Emma’s commenting and encouragement and others, I’m finally convinced to give the Antabuse a try. I call it the “Poor man’s rehab”….I can’t afford to go to rehab, but I do think that the threat and risk of dying if I drink while taking the Antabuse will be enough to keep me from drinking. I’m convinced of that.

So, during my coffee this morning, I discovered that my new cell-phone was not working. Out the window flew my plans to go to my doctors office. First thing I had to do was go to the Telus store to get my phone fixed, because I depend on it for my work. I also had some banking to do near-by, so it was convenient.

By 11 I was finished with the cell phone issue…had to send it in for a warranty repair. But, by then, too late to go to my doctors office. I had to get back to work, a client expecting me.

I find it interesting how life seems to interfere with our best laid plans, as Robert Burns so aptly said…”The best laid plans of mice and men go awry”…..

So, here I am, all pissed up again at home writing this. Actually, my visit at the pub today was most meaningful. I have recently connected with someone there who “just happens” to know many, many people from my past…especially during my early years as a cop. Quite uncanny, actually….but I feel BLESSED! How to explain that!?

I will try again tomorrow morning to go to my doctors office for that prescription. Let’s see if the universe intercedes again….

Well, in closing, I must say…I have been re-reading a lot of the teachings of Krishnamurti recently, and he say’s, when it comes to bad habits and all that, that when one sees the truth of the matter, that just that — the Truth — seeing fully WHAT IS — can set one free, without any effort at all. I see the truth in that…

Nelson

 

Truth…

So, I did survive the night a few days ago, after that horrific hangover, thank God. Obviously I did, since I am writing this. Either that or I’m dead and some kind soul figured out my WordPress password (1234) and is carrying on for me.

Not likely.

Alright then, actually, this is me, the bone fide Nelson. I’m at the pub celebrating! What on earth could this drunk be using as yet another excuse to drink? Let me tell you.

I had a very long, hard day, working.

My job entails a fair bit of physical work, and I’m not getting any younger. I worked my ass off most of the day. And, today it’s really hot here, so I came here to the pub to cool off. Their air conditioning is excellent. My apartment is around 30 degrees celsius, 86 degree Fahrenheit.

So, I’m here mostly for the air conditioning — really, but of course I am enjoying the beer cooling me off from the inside…

I’m finishing my third pint and then going home. No more plans to drink any more tonight. I AM able to taper down, which is my plan, and my plan is still to get to zero. I need to experience life without alcohol. It’s been too many years…too many dollars and my health is taking a beating, so ya, I’m very serious about this.

And, thanks to my recent re-reading of Krishnamurti, I truly am seeing the “Truth”, the reality, the fact of my drinking. Only Truth — what IS, can set us free.

Amen,

Nelson

Celebration of light…?

fireworks

It’s almost 10 pm again. I had only 3 beers today. That’s all I could stomach, I was so hungover all day. Around 6 I thought I was having a stroke, but it turned out to just be the 3rd beer kicking in, thank God. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest most of the day, until I lay down for half an hour and meditated. I’m afraid that I might die overnight, left to rot for days until they find me.

I never want to go through another day like today. Does that mean tomorrow will be different? Assuming I awaken, I’ll feel so much better than I have today. I might feel so good that I’ll gleefully guzzle that 4 pm beer plus God knows how many more.

Emma said something that really hit home in one of her comments, how much she hated the very thought of being the way she used to be when she was in her obsessed crazy wine life, the way I seem to be stuck now….how true. How pathetic I am.

I don’t know what to do now. Maybe try Antabuse. Although, I have been re-reading one of my favourite philosophers, Jiddu Krishnamurti. He talks about being aware, and how once we see the truth about something clearly, we can drop it, without effort. Like seeing a snake on the path ahead, we don’t have to “try” to avoid it, we just do. I think I’m seeing the full extent of my alcoholism.

Funny coincidence, as I wrote the last sentence I could hear off in the distance the local fireworks show begin. The “Celebration of Light” it’s called. I’m choosing to celebrate the light that I’m seeing tonight about my alcoholism.

May it be so. Amen.

Nelson

 

135/92

So, ya, thanks to drinking a lot less in the last couple of days, my blood pressure is back down to what my doctor would say is, “Safe levels for a man your age”. Well that’s great. Although, I might have blown it tonight. Hit the pub, big time, and the beer, especially when I found out that a very dear friend had recently died.

Not that that should be an excuse for my drinking in excess tonight, but I took it and ran with it. So my blood pressure tomorroa’ will probably be up again. Oh well. Here’s to my dear Polish friend, “Bugsy”. Sad to see him go, but frankly, I’m surprised he lived this long.

They found him slumped over, dead, at a bus stop. Waiting for the bus that never came, or those that came and went while he was slumped over there, expired.  He wasn’t in good health. His blood pressure on a good day for the last 10 years was like 250/150. Really!!! And he took med’s for it, when he remembered to take them. He was 65.

So, thank you Bugsy, for giving me another excuse to drink in excess tonight. May I live to see as many tomorrow’s as you!

“Na Zdrowie!” (That means “Cheers in Polish”.

May you sleep forever well, my dearly parted friend, Bugsy, and to you and your’s reading this here now.

Nelson