Whoa…

antabuse

Well, my super fantastic clever ladder abstaining plan flopped.

I can just see y’all grabbing your seats, gasping in abject disbelief. ….Right….

Ok, I’m not surprised that my plan didn’t work. None of my previous plans worked. None.

But, I’m not done yet. I have one more new plan up my sleeve! In the comments from my last post, I have Emma to thank for suggesting that I consider trying Antabuse. Antabuse makes you VERY sick if you drink. I just read the description of it on Wikipedia:

Antabuse plus alcohol, even small amounts, produce flushing, throbbing in head and neck, throbbing headache, respiratory difficulty, nausea, copious vomiting, sweating, thirst, chest pain, palpitation, dyspnea, hyperventilation, tachycardia, hypotension, syncope, marked uneasiness, weakness, vertigo, blurred vision, and confusion. In severe reactions there may be respiratory depression, cardiovascular collapse, arrhythmias, myocardial infarction, acute congestive heart failure, unconsciousness, convulsions, and death.”

HOLY CRAP!

I think it’s safe to say that I would not drink a drop if I started taking it. This might seem like an extreme measure for me to consider. Absolutely. But look at my track record! I have tried pretty well everything to control or quit my drinking — except for rehab. If I could go to rehab now, I would, but I can’t (without quitting my job). This has all gone on long enough — YEARS. Too many years. An extreme situation calls for extreme measures and since I can’t go to rehab I must consider using the Antabuse.

I mean, really — enough playing around. Enough theatrics. Enough vain efforts. Enough hangovers, gout, high blood pressure, sleeplessness, anxiety, wasted money, wasted time, wasted life — enough getting wasted. Time for something radical.

Perhaps the fear of taking it will have an effect on my drinking…? Let’s see.

Nelson

P.S. Here is an excellent website that talks about Antabuse

 

 

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One rung at a time…

ladder

I experienced a miracle in the last few days. I went two, almost three full days without a drink. Cold turkey. I’ve never done cold turkey, from the booze. I do love a cold turkey sandwich, though, after Thanks Giving….but I digress.

Today, while hopin and planin for a third day at the cold turkey route, it didn’t happen. Today, I felt SO awful, SO out of sorts being sober for those two, almost three, days, I just had to have a drink, or 6, or 8.

But you know what? In these brief few days, I experienced a clarity of mind long since foreign to me. Even my sense of smell was coming back. What wasn’t coming back was the quality of my sleep. I slept like a dead man coming back to life, not knowing which direction I wanted to go…into the light, or back to the darkness…

These few days gave me some hope though, and an idea. I climbed down into this muck-hole one rung at a time over many years. So maybe, just maybe, I hope, I still have enough time to climb out of it one rung at a time.

And so, this time I put in a two full day’s sober. After tonight’s slip off the ladder, I’m hoping to climb back up tomorrow to the next rung and put in 3 days sober, at least. If I can go more than that, fantastic, but if not, I’ll get right back on that damn ladder and then go for 4 days…and go that way, gradually making my way out of this hell-hole, if that’s what I have to do. As the A.A. dictum states, we do “whatever it takes” to get free.

So there you go, that’s where I’m at and that’s this mans latest plan. God willing, it will be so.

Nelson

Check-in…again.

checkin

Despite being criticized at some point in the past of posting here while I’ve been drinking, I am most happily writing tonight, because I AM somewhat inebriated. Well, it was either this or not write at all, because lately, I seem to have lost all interest in my blog here. I attribute that to, as A.A. describes to be the “progressive nature” of the disease of alcoholism. Ok.

Anyway, I would love to say that I’ve been doing marvelously well and am now spending my evenings sipping EARL GRAY tea rather than sucking on the end of a bottle of beer. Alas, I cannot so salubriously entertain yonder naysayers tonight. Not that I have any naysayers left. My blog has become somewhat of a relic here on WordPress, which is fine, because I didn’t come here to get famous. I came here simply to document my deliverance or demise from the demon drink.

Speaking of the drink, for the past 3 weeks now I’ve had a sore throat. It could be cancer, easily, given the volume of alcohol I’ve poured down my gullet for so many years. The symptom’s suggest it could be, or just an infection. If it’s cancer, then this blog will steer towards my demise from the demon drink, sadly. If it’s only a virus or nagging infection that clears up, then I will have been granted a reprieve. A reprieve for WHAT though, I have no idea. I don’t seem to have much of anything to give to the world these days, other than my meager amount of money, which I all-to-happily spend on my drug of choice. Well, I can compose music, but the alcohol took all of that ability away from me long ago.

But by now I must be boring you. This is my fourth paragraph. I don’t know about you, but when people here write anything longer than 4 or 5 paragraphs, I bail, figuring it’s an angst-ridden, although heart-felt soliloquy…which is written more for the author than the audience. So, I’ll bid you adieu for now.

Just drunkingly checking in for those who might still be here looking. Take care, friends.

Nelson

Step 1…

step1

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

It’s taken me 15 years to finally get this, completely, totally. 15 years to finally admit it. 15 years to finally see it. 15 years. That’s how long I’ve been going to A.A. (off and on). 15 years because I’m a stubborn son of a gun. Really stubborn.

When I was a teenager I don’t know how many times I heard people say to me, “You analyze things too much Nelson!!!”. I never understood what they meant, even after carefully analyzing it! Well, I’ve slowly learned that the problem is that I just think too damn much. Ya, I analyze things too much….hmmmm…ok.

Anyway, after carefully thinking about this (!) I’ve been able to see — after 15 years — that it’s simply taken me that long to do, as they say in A.A., my “Research”. Research in A.A. meaning being out there still actively drinking. The hope with that is, eventually (like after as many as 15 years!) we will realize that, having tried everything, we just can’t win this battle using our own wits, blood, sweat or tears. We finally realize that there is something about alcohol that is simply beyond our comprehension, no matter how much effort or thinking we put into it. That’s where I’m at today.

And so, I’ve started going back to A.A. meetings, just this week. I’m going to finally follow their prescription, their “suggested program for recovery”. The first thing I need to do is stop drinking. I’m almost there. Another day or two and I think I’ll be free of it. I think. I hope. I pray.

Nelson

Still here…

Yield

Thought I should write. SO MANY have sent me messages asking how I’ve been doing (many thanks to all one of you, Meditationandnobooze). I’m not writing here for attention or stats though. I’m simply leaving a record of my experience with alcohol, be that leading up to my deliverance or demise, with hope for the former of course.

So anyway, I’ve made virtually no progress in my journey, other than to lament how long this has been going on. Frankly, I thought I would be dead by now. I’m very grateful that I’m not, I think. Well, for the sake of my children and grandchildren I am happy to still be alive. I’m NOT happy with the way my life has been all these years however. My health is deteriorating. My finances are a disaster. Almost 60 years old and I have no savings for even thinking about retiring, having spent all of my extra money for too many years on the damn booze.

Despite my woe, I have made great progress recently with my Jungian counseling. In fact, I think I am very, very close to quitting the booze once and for all. Really. If so, I’ll write about it. If not, I’ll try to write now and then, so at least my one fan knows I’m still alive.

How’s that for a scintillating, vastly entertaining blog entry eh? I should be writing this over on Medium! I’d be sure to get even less attention!

Nelson

Well…

plane

Well, I would like to be able to report that by now I’ve weaned myself off and am alcohol free, but I’m not. My plans all went to hell on Wednesday when in my infinite alcoholic wisdom I decided I could go to the pub to work on a couple of reports. It was early, so I doubted I would see any of my buddy’s. WRONG. One was already there. Had been since noon. He was just about to leave when I walked in, so like a good bar buddy he decided to have one more to keep me company. By the time he left, another buddy had come in. I went home — 4 hours later — all pissed up.

Thursday I was hungover, of course, and so when another buddy texted me around 1 pm, I didn’t hesitate joining him at the other pub we frequent. I got home about 8 pm. Went straight to bed. Yesterday, I started at noon. Got home around 7. I drank less yesterday, so today I feel ok. Back to square one.

I seem to be able to limit how much I drink as long as I stay home. If I go to the pub, forget it. I’m tempted to be discouraged, but I won’t. I’m going to taper down over the next few days again and give another go for zero by Tuesday or Wednesday, and no pubs. I’m going to start going back to the A.A. meetings when I’m feeling the itch to get out and socialize. I just have to do this!

Nelson

Tic, tac, toe…

tictacktoe

I rarely write after I’ve been drinking. Tonight is different. This is the third night in a row that I have had very little to drink. Tonight is toe — less than tic and and less than tac. I think I might be able to floss and brush my teeth tonight. That might sound odd to some, but when I’m drinking a lot, I don’t have the energy to practice proper hygiene, not until the morning anyway — if I’m not too hungover and have the energy. Ok, I’ve very rarely gone more than two days without brushing my teeth, so I guess I’m not that bad. I consider myself lucky, in that respect.

I’ve been what they call a “Functioning alcoholic” for like, 35 years. Able to brush my teeth most of the time. I shower every day, look good and work quite well. But still, I consider myself a drunk. I’ve wasted so many years drinking. My therapist tells me to not be so hard on myself. I try.

Anyway, I thought I’d report on this 3 day progress, because I can. This really IS progress. My plan for tomorrow is to drink less than tonight, and the same for the next day, until I just don’t drink at all. I think I can do this finally.

God help me.

Nelson