I’m forcing myself to write today. I don’t really want to write. Frankly, I feel like giving up this battle with the bottle. But way down deep within me there is still an, albeit faint, glimmer of hope. I’m not looking for miracle, although I’m certainly open to one. I’m not looking for an “easy-way” out, although if there was an easy way, I’d be delighted. I’m not looking for sympathy, although I do appreciate kind words. I’m not looking for a magic potion, although I wish that there were such a thing.
I’ve been struggling with my alcoholism for SO long. It was about 15 years ago that I knew I had a problem. That’s when I started to address it. I went to A.A. and stayed sober for 3 months! In fact, it was easy! I wasn’t living alone then. I think that helped. Since then, my drinking has steadily gotten worse, although recently I have had some success with moderating. Ok — but then I make up for the moderation by getting that much more drunk a couple or few days down the road and suffer horrific hangovers! That’s called suffering the effects of alcohol poisoning! And I know that that can, and very likely will, kill me if I keep this up. How’s that for “rigorous honesty”?
Why I am having so much difficulty with this totally baffles me. As they say in A.A., alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. I know all that — yet on-ward’s I go gleefully pouring gallons down my greedy gullet regardless! How insane is that!? Insanity, meaning here — doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results! Doi!
Don’t call me Nelson. Call me LUNY!!! *sigh*….. 😦