I just took my pill. You know, the little white one that will make be violently ill if I drink. Yes, the Antabuse. I feel proud of myself. I drank all weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, had a hellofa good time, except for the hangovers in the mornings, but I’ve had worse.

I can image anyone following my blog must think me rip-roaring insane. Maybe I am. That might help to explain the problem I have with alcohol. Hmmmmm, as if this is a new and novel stunning revelation! Ha!

But insane, yes. and I self-medicate with alcohol! A.A.r’s know all about the insanity of drinking. We keep drinking despite the negative consequences under the illusion that we might be able to control it. But we can’t. Nada, nope, we just can’t no matter what we do, how hard we try, we’re sailing a ship without a sail in a hurricane.

But I know I can control my drinking! I tried A.A. Went to a ton of meetings over many years but never felt at home there. Didn’t work for me. I found another “easier, softer way”. Yes, I did — the Antabuse.

I wish it didn’t all boil down to just the Antabuse for me. I really wanted to be able to quit the booze like all the other normal drunks did — like most of you here did in fact. But no, not me, cause I’ve never been able to walk the path of normality. I’ve always marched with a different cadence, tooted in a different key, driven down another road than you normal drunk’s folk.

I’m not suggest all you normal drunks are normal. None of us are “normal”, however that’s defined. We just can’t drink. That doesn’t mean we’re abnormal either. It’s just the way we’re built, right? From the top down rather than the ground up. Alcohol grounds us up, and that really sucks, but that’s just the way it is.

I drank this weekend because my best friend in whole wide world was in town. The last time he was here I was on the pill (the Antabuse) and could only have virgin drinks and it was boring, so this time I decided to go off the pill before he got into town so we could all have a jolly good time and we did. Do I regret it? Hell no…er….ya!

Whatever. It is done. I’m back on the Antabuse and my buddy doesn’t get back into town until September 4th… my next dash of insanity won’t be until then. Or perhaps it won’t. To be honest, I don’t know. I’m just trying to take things day by day these days, to put in more sober time than drunk. Seems that’s the best that I can do.


10 thoughts on “I’m a good boy now…

  1. Do’ya know what? Whatever helps you stay sober, I’m down with. Good for you. I don’t know much about Antabuse except that it makes you really ill if you have alcohol, but I’m super interested in all things recovery so do keep me posted on how it goes and how you find it. Have a great day, buddy. Anna x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nelson, it sounds like you had a great time with ya mate. I’m sure they appreciated it and who knows, you may well have helped them out at the perfect time. In terms of where to now – I’ve never taken ‘Antabuse’…the name alone sounds scary. Hey,​ you gotta do what ya gotta do. You know you’ll always find equally messed up brothers and sisters here to support you. Also, I liked what you said about AA. It took me 8 years before I found a decent group I liked – never loved – just liked. I only went for 7 months and thankfully that was enough for me. We are all wonderfully unique and bizarre and need to keep working on our own shit as best we can to find our way through this little ole life. I’m thinking of ya. Good luck.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for your input and support. For me the Antabuse is the “whatever it takes” part of A.A.’s credo you may recall. It sucks, but it works. I am grateful for it in the end (but still resentful). I just started reading your blog from day one, btw…good stuff. 👍

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I can relate to what you say Nelson. You have to do it in a way that works for you. Glad you had a good weekend with your pal. The holy grail for us is being able to have those good times but not needing those drinks to get us there. One day…..

    Liked by 1 person

  4. All of us addicts are insane, Nelson. Even in sobriety I still do some crazy shit! You can take away the alcohol but you can’t take away the underlying issues that make us crazy… not without work anyway. I’m proud of you for jumping back on the Antabuse so quickly. You might just need the Antabuse for a year or so until you learn to really live without alcohol.

    Liked by 2 people

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