On the 10th day after Christmas, my sobriety gave to me…extreme fatigue. And you thought this was going to be another pie-in-the-sky soliloquy about how extraordinarily wonderful sobriety is, didn’t you?! Ha! Well, it only takes a fanciful cursory reading of most of my blog over the years to see that it is full of mostly doom and gloom, so the past few weeks have been a refreshing change, we must agree.
So, I’ve been sober for 35 days now. 34 of those days I have had terrible insomnia. I’m not talking about the, “Oh it took me ages to get to sleep” type of insomnia. I’m talking about the, “Oh God I can’t believe what time it is now” type of insomnia.
Last night was one of the worst, which is why I’m so tired today. I took some Melatonin and went to bed around 11. By about 3, I had taken a milligram of my anti-anxiety med. I take it in half-tab increments. Under normal circumstances, a half milligram is all that I need, but not last night…er — this morning really, because I didn’t fall asleep until sometime after 5 o’clock! I was up around 9.
During the night, I tossed and turned so much the sheets on my bed looked like a corkscrew. I was so wound up in them I was afraid I’d unravel at high speed and be jettisoned out the window into oncoming traffic. Oh, all night I was up and I was down and all around. Off and on I read some, meditated a little, ate some granola, did some stretching…all of which usually help, but no, not last night — not ANY night in fact since December 1st, my first day sober.
Amidst the unholy twilight, I read specifically about alcohol use and insomnia and discovered that insomnia is actually the number one most common “side-effect” for people who quit drinking! Oh great, here I always prided myself on wanting to be the exception to most rules! I sure wish I was this time. But no.
The good news is that the average duration for one suffering insomnia like this is 4 to 5 weeks, but it can last for much longer… I’m hoping I’m not in that much longer group. We’ll see. I also discovered that insomnia like this is also one of the biggest reasons why many relapse and go back to the bottle. I can totally relate to that temptation now! But I’m not going to give in to that. Oh no, no way! I’ve come too bloody far in this whole god forsaken adventure to miss the grand finale!!! And that’s my being able to confidently say — I hope one day soon — that I am FINALLY FREE from the booze; this pestilent scourge, this dogged tormentor of my soul.
May that day ever hasten — with sleep or without it — I will await with bright and sober heart, with sober mind and sober soul to see it come in all its glorious splendour.
And may we all.