Giving up…

I’m forcing myself to write today. I don’t really want to write. Frankly, I feel like giving up this battle with the bottle. But way down deep within me there is still an, albeit faint, glimmer of hope. I’m not looking for miracle, although I’m certainly open to one. I’m not looking for an “easy-way” out, although if there was an easy way, I’d be delighted. I’m not looking for sympathy, although I do appreciate kind words. I’m not looking for a magic potion, although I wish that there were such a thing.

I’ve been struggling with my alcoholism for SO long. It was about 15 years ago that I knew I had a problem. That’s when I started to address it. I went to A.A. and stayed sober for 3 months! In fact, it was easy! I wasn’t living alone then. I think that helped. Since then, my drinking has steadily gotten worse, although recently I have had some success with moderating. Ok — but then I make up for the moderation by getting that much more drunk a couple or few days down the road and suffer horrific hangovers! That’s called suffering the effects of alcohol poisoning! And I know that that can, and very likely will, kill me if I keep this up. How’s that for “rigorous honesty”?

Why I am having so much difficulty with this totally baffles me. As they say in A.A., alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. I know all that — yet on-ward’s I go gleefully pouring gallons down my greedy gullet regardless! How insane is that!? Insanity, meaning here — doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results! Doi!

Don’t call me Nelson. Call me LUNY!!! *sigh*….. 😦



19 thoughts on “Giving up…

  1. We reply to your heartfelt posts because we care about you. Please, don’t give up. Fight for life. You are wonderful granddaddy for the children. They love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am not around much these days. I quit my blog and got a life!! no, not really but NOT blogging has been more helpful to me in my journey of sobriety. But I still think of all my old blogger friends, you in particular. I hoped to read that you were six months sober and doing well but deep down I knew that probably wasn’t the case. I don’t know what the answer is. For me it took over two years to reach the stage where I was ready to quit. I am nine months sober now and doing well. But every day is a day where I could fall and I am very aware of that. I continue to think positively about believe that you will succeed.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This all sounds so familiar. Living alone gives you a lot more time to drink without any repercussions to your relationships, and it also means you are your only listener.

    Maybe go back to AA and try to see if accountability and the buddy system work for you? Try smart recovery or refuge recovery if they resonate with you more.

    First though, you have to get sober for yourself, and you have to do it safely. Talk to an addictions counselor or your doc. See if you can’t find a way to get some help through the first three days.

    I’m writing on my phone or I’d go on and on. I believe you are worth recovery.


    Liked by 3 people

  4. I work with children and young people and have seen a number of them lose parents and beloved grandparents to alcohol over the years. The impact is catastrophic because most children simply, understandably don’t get why anyone grown up or supposedly responsible would do that to themselves or choose this liquid over them. And their loss is unbearable. Choose to live Nelson for yourself and for them too. As hard as that is it will be worth it.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Nelson, I agree with the above mention. You’ll never be able to give up. I felt the same as you so many times and maybe I will again, maybe I won’t but one thing I know for sure… coming back to ending my alcohol drinking cycle always returns to my mind, no matter what. Can’t ever unlearn or forget all the information retained, you just can’t. Good luck friend, maybe pick up the Allen Carr book like I did (which I’m reading now). It’s really good. Keep at it! 👏🏼

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I hate to tell you, guy, but you can’t give up. Not really. There will always be a nagging need to keep trying to overcome this weakness or addiction or whatever you prefer to call it. That being said, if I had kept drinking, like you, I would have died trying to quit. ( I know that line doesn’t make much sense but as you pointed out, nothing about addiction makes sense. It’s a dichotomy that none of us will ever be able to make sense of. The cure is very simple but very difficult.)There is a miracle, there is an easy cure, there are ah-ha moments, they are all called quitting. Once you quit, for even just a little while, you have to start creating a world that you don’t want to risk by drinking again. But you gotta quit first to do that. So do it. Make a miracle. Give yourself that little while then a little while more. Give yourself today then do the same thing tomorrow.

    Liked by 5 people

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