Not well…

I honestly thought that by now I would be free from this scourge. That this bitter sweet cup would have been past me by now. But no. I continue to slowly but surely poison myself, cup by cup, sip by sip, drop by drop. I’m not sharing this to solicit sympathy or ask for help or anything of the sort. I’m just stating the facts. This is my journal, “One Drunk’s Tale”, left open for all to see. To see the destruction that the demon drink can do, does do, to a Joe Blow like me.

There was a time when I wouldn’t consider going into rehab, not so long ago really. I’d go now, if I could, but I can’t. Well I could if I lost everything and ended up on the street. Then the government run rehab would take me in. That’s the last place in this world that I would like to end up in, honestly. I had the money a few years ago to afford a really nice private rehab, but not anymore.

A.A. is a good program, if you work it. If you call your sponsor. If you go to meetings. I can’t even do that. I guess I’m doomed, destined to die, of just old age maybe, in the grip of this disease. Many do. I’d rather not be one of them. But look at me. I started this blog almost 8 years ago. At least my drinking hasn’t gotten worse. One concession, but it was already bad enough.

I’ll go to a meeting today, probably. You see, I know what to do. I just don’t do it. And I don’t know why. Perhaps I’ve finally hit bottom.

Nelson

 

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30 thoughts on “Not well…

  1. Nelson, you are so articulate and you should really consider teaching a course in writing at the local community center. Send the children a card. Just say I love you, from grandaddy. Put the past in the file cabinet and start afresh. Next time someone knocks on your door offering a free Bible study, say yes! That is your answer to all of your prayers. Forgive me for being straightforward.

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  2. You remind me so much of my dad. He was so funny and I miss him every single day. I’m so sad that I moved so far away from him and only got to see him once a year, but I always thought that I’d eventually move back and have more time with him. He loved my kids so much and it broke my heart that he didn’t get to see them very often. He was just such a genuinely funny, loving and caring person. He would give anyone the shirt off his back but he was never able to win the battle against the booze. My sisters lived so close to him and wouldn’t have anything to do with him because of his drinking. He never even met their kids (his grandkids) before he died. One day 2 years ago he got into a car accident (drinking & driving) and was taken to the hospital. When he was in the recovery room he suffered a major heart attack and ended up slipping into a coma. His body and organs were in such bad shape from the years and years of alcohol abuse that within a week we had to make the decision to pull him off life support. My sisters – the ones who would never see him and wouldn’t let him see their kids? They were devasted. They always thought that he would quit drinking and I guess they were waiting for that day – we always think we have more time.

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    • Whoa. Thanks for sharing this. I hardly ever see my kids or grandkids too. Their Mother has them brainwashed (after a bad divorce etc) to still think — “If your father (or grandfather) REALLY loves you, then HE will make the effort to come to visit/see you”. Sadly, I can’t live up to my “dear” X-wifes indoctrination because I have a relatively low paying job and with the money I spend on booze, I just can’t get up to see them. I’m horribly allergic to cats, so can’t stay with them when I visit…I have to motel it…and they live in a resort town with very high motel rates…..

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      • Nelson, my mom never had anything nice to say about my dad and blamed him for a lot. She did the same “if he loved you he would quit drinking, he would do this, he would do that”. As kids (and teens and even into adulthood, that stuck with us. We just saw him as someone who didn’t love us. We had no idea how hard the battle was that he was fighting. Honestly I wonder if part of the reason it was so hard for him was that he felt like he didn’t have a reason to win that battle. Quit drinking for what? To lose his drinking buddies and friendly familiar faces at the bar? He didn’t know if any of us would talk to or see him if he cleaned up so I’m sure the thought of the chance of being truly alone was terrifying to him. It’s the unknown, it’s scary new territory. I do know that if he had stopped drinking then at least one of my sisters would have reconnected with him after a while, and who knows what new friendships he may have forged in AA or…?

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      • Well that is where you think you would be.. and you might.. or you might strike up a friendship with a waitress and go on crazy road trip adventures, or you might decide to take up birdwatching and meet some amazing people, or you might join a book club and be bored out of your mind and decide to take hip hop lessons instead. Or you might join a hiking club and get chased by a cougar 😉 who knows what the future holds. Even people who have their future carefully planned out get a rude awakening and find out that it doesn’t go as planned lol

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  3. Pray. On your knees. Ask God to help you. Ask Him to relieve you of the obsession and the craving. Seek His grace and mercy. And it will come. He is waiting for you to surrender. At the the beginning is always surrender. Admit that you are powerless over alcohol. Until you broken enough to do that, you aren’t ready. Pray.

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  4. One of my best friends drank himself to death and passed away a few years ago. I miss him everyday. It was sad to watch it happen before my eyes. Nelson, be strong and have positive thoughts. You can do this. I’m also still struggling but each and every time is a even larger lesson learned. I keep trying, won’t ever give up. One of these times I swear… it will stick xo

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  5. There will come a time, just like today, when you know you’re just going through the motions, when you no longer hold any hope of succeeding but for some reason, you can’t give up-and this time, for some reason that you will never discover, you will succeed. The key is to not stop trying. Even when you feel there is no hope left, even when you’re so damn tired of failing, even though you know it would be so much easier to go ahead and drink yourself to death. BTW, I just went to visit a friend this evening whose husband just did that two nights ago, drank himself to death.

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  6. You need to be sick and tired enough of being sick and tired. No one else can do this for you. There is light at the end of this tunnel if you just surrender. You need to be willing to do what it takes. There is support and love out there if you are willing. This is a slow suicide for people who don’t think they are worth saving. Alcohol lies to you, you are worth saving. xxx

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