Why am I still drinking…?

Someone, quite poignantly, asked me today why I’m still drinking, and suggested that it might make a good blog post. I was flabbergasted, taken away, suddenly convoluted and confused! After I peeled myself off the ceiling, I replied that that was a good question! And that, I should write about it. He said he would look forward to that future blog-post. I agreed.

So, here we go, after having a snootful of my favourite beer at my “Cheers” pub. Maybe this isn’t the best time to write about it, on second thought.

Right. Well, let me begin tonight at least by saying that I keep drinking because it makes me feel SO wonderful. It enables me to let go of all woes and worries from the day. I have often called it my “liquid Nirvana”…and indeed it still is.

Reality, quoting my friend here on WordPress, Tony Vega, “fucking” bites. Tony likes to use the “F” word a lot. It’s won him all sorts of accolades and awards here. I don’t quite get that, but whatever.

Truth is, reality bites. Every time that I have sobered up for a few days, I end up like a mouse without cover — I scurry back to my safety-zone. Why? I don’t know why. Reality is too real for me. I was adopted, at 6 months years of age. I went through two foster homes before being placed. I was not able to bond with anyone or anything in the meantime. They now say that if a child is not able to bond with someone or something (even) in the first six months of life, that it causes permanent brain damage. Well, hello! Welcome to my world. I’m 56 years old and still (quoting Tony again) “All fucked up”.

So, I’m drunk, and I’m tired. Enough of this full-disclosure stuff for me tonight. Maybe I’ll write tomorrow before I get pissed again.

There you go, friends. I’m coming out now!!!! Full disclosure shit happnin’ soon at a blog near you!!!

To be continued…

Nelson

 

 

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12 thoughts on “Why am I still drinking…?

  1. I am sure the pain is very real. I can’t relate in many ways but I do empathize. What do those around you think of the Nelson who drinks? Do they prefer him drunk or sober? What about potential future friends, partners, will they prefer drunk Nelson or sober Nelson? Who does sober Nelson prefer when he wakes each morning? Is sober Nelson proud of all the things that drunk Nelson does? I think deep down inside Mr Sober Nelson is just waiting to come out and show how wonderful he really is.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Nelson, I agree that whatever the issues or problems you face, alcohol does not make managing them easier. It just doesn’t. It makes you ignore them, but it keeps you “stuck” , and that’s not so great. Could you try committing to 100 days AF? Lily 🌷

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel as if I have to add my 2 cents for whatever it’s worth. As you know, I too was adopted. My circumstances were different but I’m sure that we share some of the same issues. What I’ve realized is that everyone-whether adopted or not has some kind of issues with their families, the way they were raised, whatever. I also believe that we all suffer from some type of abandonment issues. And I think it’s okay to use that as kind of a “pass” when we’re younger. But in my case, I felt like I had a responsibility to myself to find a way to heal from all of that. Carrying it around and using it as an excuse was not doing me any good-in fact it was keeping me in a very stuck place. We can all think of reasons why not to drink. And we can think of reasons why to continue. Deciding to quit drinking and sticking to it for a significant amount of time takes a commitment and also determination. And yes, it will take you out of your alcohol coated comfort zone. For awhile. Maybe 100 days, maybe 6 months maybe a bit longer. But if you REALLY want to quit and stop the madness, you have to give it a chance. I have a friend that’s a pretty heavy drinker and she was surprised that after not drinking for 3 days, that she didn’t feel fantastic. So of course, she drinks now. You have to nurture yourself and find the tools to help you along on the journey to being sober. Find a way to get over or get through being adopted. I understand that there’s a lot of pain there. A lot of abandonment issues. Deal with it. Get through it. Come out on the other side. You have a chance to create any kind of life that you want. Don’t waste it by being stuck over a situation that you had no control over.
    Find a way to heal from it. I promise you feel a freedom that you never knew existed.
    Written with love…

    Liked by 4 people

  4. I’m also wondering the same fucking thing of why I’m choosing to still drink here and there, everyday. Nothing major, but two beers here, a Strongbow there…whyyyyyy??? Everytime I’m choosing drink I’m also choosing to be pissed off & unhappy with myself afterwards. It’s tiring. Anyway, enough about me…I get you. Why are we still drinking???

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi Nelson. Yes stopping drinking is scary and hard. I felt miserable, afraid and left out.
    But eventually you feel better. A lot better. You will feel a peace, happiness and serenity that is 1000x better than any drinking buzz. Sobriety is so worth it.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Being “home-less” or “parent-less” is not a problem. The problem is the “foster-home” or our perception of the one. The way I see it, it was a house not a home ( foster or otherwise ).

    The Creator has created a… H…U…G…E…. Creation, trillions and trillions of species – MAJORITY.
    Only one specie has got the privilege and security of “having” a “house cum home” – MINORITY.
    And this specie, is the only one in the entire Creation, who feels…… insecure ( ha…..ha…) !!

    The Creator created you like majority – totally free, and we as a society, infected you with that virus of insecurity because we are in the habit of creating duplicates….the vampires.

    Beware of us !!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I like to say that the only way to heal is to take the band aid off. Our addiction is the same, we can’t heal or deal with why we drink or use until we take the band aid off and deal with the real issue. Looking forward to full disclosure!

    Liked by 2 people

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