It’s just after 10 AM. I’m still in bed. Yes, I’m hungover, although I’ve been worse. More than anything I’m feeling tired and discouraged and a bit lonely. I drank a fair bit last night, but I’ve had more. I’m taking the day off, with a migraine in case any one asks, although that’s not true. More than anything I have a heartache. I’d like nothing more than to hit the pub after it opens at 11 to get some “hangover relief”, but I’m not going to do that. I can’t even afford to do that. If I didn’t drink I wouldn’t have any money problems. I’d have savings even!
As dismal as this all sounds (again) for some strange reason I still feel a glimmer of hope. But maybe that’s a deception, cleverly disguised by the beast to encourage me to just keep drinking because I still have this hope. I dunno. But, well, I keep reading a lot of people’s blogs here and can see that many of you are doing it, have achieved sobriety. That gives me hope. A lot.
Perhaps I just haven’t “hit bottom” yet. I can see what that bottom looks like though, and that’s not a place I want to go. Or maybe I’m one of those A.A. describe as “constitutionally unable to be rigorously honest” with myself. “There are such unfortunates” they say. Maybe that’s me. I dunno.
What I do know is that I truly want to be free of this disease. I’m willing to go to any ends to achieve it. I’d go to rehab even, if I could afford it. Oh well. Today is another day. Today I have another opportunity to start over. So, Day 1.3…and ya, I am hopeful. And thank you for being here. That helps a lot, to not feel so alone. Much appreciated.