Happy Hour…not.

It’s happy hour at the pub from 3 to 6 pm. Makes drinking almost affordable, but not if you have 8 or 9! And, I’m not happy. I’m miserable. I live alone. My walls talk to me, sometimes even say something witty that makes me laugh-out-loud. Right. I used to have an aquarium. In the morning I’d pretend that all the little fishies were happy to see me because they would swim to the front of the tank when they saw me. Of course, if I didn’t promptly feed them they would bugger off. I wish I could at least have a dog, but my building doesn’t allow dogs, just cats. I’m allergic to cats. I’m not supposed feed the birds on my patio, but I do anyway, because when they come down to eat they chirp away and seem so happy that I’m there. Or happy that the food is there. Whatever.

I walked to the bank this afternoon and walked right past a couple pubs on my way home, but didn’t go in. Ok, if I had seen one of my friends in there, I would have gone in. I really didn’t want to go back home to my empty apartment that doesn’t even have fish to greet me anymore. I really got the fish tank in the first place as a gift for my girlfriend. She loved that tank and those damn fish. I scored huge points with that one. Here’s a picture of it:

IMG_0124

Then the girlfriend left me because of my drinking. We were even engaged. I kept the tank going for almost a year after she left, hoping she would come back to them–I mean me. But she didn’t, so as the fish died off, so did I. I mean, I didn’t bother to replace them. Then the light blew out one day when I accidentally splashed it. $200 to replace. So I gave the few fish left back to the aquarium store (got a $6.50 credit–whoopee–that I’ve never used) and packed it up.

Not sure where I’m going with this dismal blog entry. Writing it is helping me to stay away from the pub today, so far… Oh, well I will say how much I appreciate those of you who are reading this, those who are “following” especially. I have to admit that the support I have received here in the past few short weeks has been a real blessing. I truly don’t feel as much alone, and so much appreciate your obvious care and concern.

So the walls just told me they are super bored with me today and that I should just get out of their face and go to the pub! I’m thinking about it you damn walls, alright? Don’t push me! I hate it when they push me. They say alcoholism causes a particular form of insanity? Those bloody walls are insane! Talking walls? Ya right!!!

Ya’ll take care.

Nelson
P.S…now 5 hours after writing the above, I didn’t listen to those damn walls. I stayed home and had a few glasses of wine instead. I did toast the walls though, and they said, “Why, thank you!”. Staying home was a victory, albeit small, but still a victory that I’m celebrating. So there you go.

 

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8 thoughts on “Happy Hour…not.

  1. Hi! This post made my heart hurt. A lot. I left my fiance because he drank too much. Then I spiraled out of control and now, 4 years later (married to someone else), I am 90 consecutive days sober. I also quit smoking. I think you read my blog so you would know all of this. Anyway, I wanted to tell you that you aren’t alone in your life or in your drinking cycles. If you don’t want to try AA (and most of us don’t), there are amazing online communities that helped me IMMENSELY as I tried to stop, started again, tried to stop again, started again, etc. Until today. And today, I can tell you absolutely is 300% easier and better than life before stopping drinking, and especially better than the first few weeks of sobriety. Here are the sites I recommend: Hello Sunday Morning (HelloSundayMorning.org), HipSobriety.com, LauraMcKowen.com, Rob Bell’s podcast (RobCast), HOME podcast, The Bubble Hour podcast, Recovery Elevator podcast. I also recommend joining the Booze Free Brigade private Facebook community. You have to friend Elizabeth Cloud (the one with the Penguin icon). She will add you to the group. In any event, please reach out anytime if you need help. There is a HUGE world of people who have been in your shoes, or are still in your shoes. I can’t tell you how magical and important it is to try to find them. Xo.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I love fish and hope you get the aquarium up and running and again. This illness causes isolation and loneliness – feelings that make it harder to quit drinking. It’s a vicious circle. This is a very predictable statement from me, but AA offers friendship and support from people who understand how we feel and want to help. I’m so sorry I don’t have anything more original to offer, Nelson, but with all my heart I believe it works. I’m sending you positive vibes and hope you have a better day. And tell the walls to ‘button it!’ All the best, B.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Staying home with wine was probably better than going to the pub. Humans were not created to be alone, we need company, love. So how you are feeling is very normal. There is a movie called Shirley Valentine in which she talks to the wall because she is in an unloving marriage with a husband who just complains. She finds a way out and so will you. There is a big bright future out there just waiting for you. The first step is to stop drinking. Did you watch the documentary Recommended to you about Jake the snake? I watched it last night, it was brilliant. Have a great day and wish the wall well from me, and tell him you won’t be needing him much longer as you have a life planned ☺☺☺

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ll bet you are quite right. I got the tank and fish for the fiancé, however, because I knew how much she loved having an aquarium. Fish aren’t as smart and unconditionally loving as dogs are, which I can’t have, so I’ll never go back to fish.

    Liked by 1 person

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