Father’s Day Blue’s…

Yes, yet another Father’s Day for me, alone. 21 years now. Twenty-one years! My kids were 4 and 11 when their mother and I split up. Ok, I saw my kids on Father’s Day for several years after that, until they were about 13 and 20, when their mother moved them far away from me. “Not far enough away from you” she said. I remember her pleading with me for years to do like her father did, to move across the country, and just leave her alone. Not that I was a bad father. Rather, she was a mean “X” who wanted the kids all to herself, forever.

Anyway, after I started being alone most Father’s Day’s, I would get drunk to celebrate. You know the kind of “celebration” I mean. Beer wallowing with my buddy drunks at the pub. Then go home and throw up. But this year–today, is going to be different. For some strange reason, I don’t want to get drunk today, to “celebrate” being alone again. In fact, I’m going to make myself a nice burger and fries for dinner and not drink at all. I’m going to actually celebrate being a father. I love my kids. I damn well know I’ve been a good father, regardless of the distance between us.

This is a good sign. My therapist will be so delighted with my progress. Heck, I’m delighted with my progress. Ok, last night I got pretty drunk, but it wasn’t the wallow in my beer type of drinking to get drunk. I didn’t drink the night before! Hey, that’s progress for me too! That’s about 10 sober days in the past month for me now. 1/3rd of the month! And, most of the time I’m not going to my usual “Cheer’s”. I’m staying home or going elsewhere. I’ve had two habits to break you see; one, my drinking; two, my pub. It’s hard not going back to “where everybody knows my name” (Cheer’s TV show theme song playing in the background). It’s damn hard actually. So, progress all around.

I’m looking forward to my hamburger tonight. And a very Happy Father’s Day to the other Dad’s out there. Looks good on you. Take care.

Nelson

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4 thoughts on “Father’s Day Blue’s…

  1. I’ve always heard (in AA) that you have to really want sobriety for it to work. But how do you make yourself want it? That has been my struggle for years. I LOVE the Cheers feeling, although near the end, it was way more about me at the end of the bar with my drinking buddy than it was about anyone else. I had to pray for deliverance because I knew I wasn’t going to deliver myself. I always switched sides mid-battle. Hang in there! It can be done — I know this because other people have done it. I don’t yet consider myself one of them, because the jury is still out.

    Liked by 1 person

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