How easily I slipped back into the womb of alcoholic slumber. I’ve been drinking like a fish every day for the past 2 weeks. A lot too, like 8, even 10 drinks some days, like yesterday. And then I sit here in the morning terribly hungover and wonder what the hell happened! My therapist suggested that my drinking is an unconscious desire to crawl back into comfort of my mothers womb, where everything is safe and cozy and really OK, where I don’t have to deal with life, as it is. I completely agree.
Ok, so did manage to put in 5 days in a row a few weeks ago without drinking. That’s a day longer than I’ve been able to put in without drinking in the past fifteen years. On the 5th day the world opened up to me, everything became suddenly so bloody clear, like I’d wiped the dirt off the window. My memory was returning, I was sleeping well, I had zero anxiety, my stomach felt normal, my appetite was returning, I was thinking so cogently and well. It was all too much for me! Way too much. Too much too quickly, so I started drinking again and now I’m back to hangovers and shitty sleep and a gassy, distended stomach and paranoia in the morning and of course drunk texting, but not in a bad way thank God, at least, just in an idiotic way. And I’m coughing like a smoker.
I haven’t shaved in three days. I’m forgetting to brush my teeth for 2 or 3 days at a time. Well I’m not sure about that because my memory is all screwed up again. And yet, in spite of being back at the bloody trough, something quite remarkable has been happening—I’ve been having feelings lately. Like, real feelings about stuff, like warm and fuzzy feelings when I hear a child’s voice, or see pretty flower, or smell freshly cut grass, or imagine even, as I did this morning, the smell of a plump ripe tomato on the vine. In fact, I just heard a bird of some sort in the distance; a seagull I think, and a warm sensation immediately rose up within me. And I just had a craving for a bologna sandwich, with mustard on it!
I haven’t had these sorts of feelings or cravings for so many years. I didn’t even miss them! Missing things is also a feeling response, so of course I didn’t miss them! What a glorious thing is happening to me with these odd things, these warm and fuzzy things called feelings!
I know this is the direct result of putting in those 7 alcohol-free days. My brain was able to start healing. My ongoing psychotherapy is probably helping as well. All I know is that I really like these new feelings. I really, really like them. I want more!
So, starting today I’m going to wean myself off the booze again, just like I did a few weeks ago, taking just a few ounces of wine when I feel I absolutely must. That worked extremely well; I had very little withdrawal. And I’m going to start going back to the AA meetings every day. And when that clarity of mind hit’s me again, with God’s help I’m going to hang in there and keep on keeping on. Yes! I want more…more feelings…more LIFE. I want to be free. This is my quest. Oh God, please help me!