Day 13…super discouraged.

I did it again. I was doing great yesterday until a friend called. I made it out to the 2 pm AA meeting. Met a guy who I think can be my new sponsor. Was feeling good about the day—and then one of my bar-buddy friends called. 10 minutes later I joined him at the pub. 4 hours later I staggered home. What happened? I dunno. I really don’t know.

Ok, maybe I do know, a little. I read an article this morning that talked about how powerful environmental cues are for triggering addictive acts. The article was specifically talking about the power that FRIENDS can have to evoke that trigger. Too bad I didn’t read that article yesterday!

So now I’m suffering today. I feel like crap, physically and emotionally. I feel like I’ve poisoned myself. A few days ago I was feeling so well, so healthy. Not today. I’m so discouraged. Where is my “higher-power”? Is it not powerful enough to get me through this? Am I destined to get worse and worse, eventually lose everything and end up dead, or at least in rehab? Bleh.

My friends know that I’m trying to do this this week! Why are they calling me? I guess they don’t think I can do it, and they are RIGHT! What to do. What to do???

Keep on keeping on, I guess. “Let go and let God”. Keep going to meetings. Get that new sponsor. All of the above plus “whatever it takes”. I’ll have to cut those “friends” off. Tell them, at least, to stop calling me, which of course just isolates me further, but thank God I live in a big city that has lots and lots off AA’ers. I can make new friends. I just gotta stay alive in the meantime. Alive, meaning stay sober, busy, being OK. Funny how I’m looking to AA now for help. I’ve been in and out of AA for many years. Mostly out. I’ve had trouble with some of their philosophy. I don’t care about that now. They are there, open, willing to help.

To be honest, I’m really scared. I’m feeling the full POWER of my addiction. Now that push comes to shove it has reared its ugly head and is trying to convince me that I’ll never be free, that it will forever dominate me, that it will kill me before it ever lets go of me. Whoa. I’m not even a religious man, but I am now! God help me! God, please help me…

Nelson

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4 thoughts on “Day 13…super discouraged.

  1. Sorry buds that you’re feeling like death today…it happens sometimes. It’s so very true what that article states how powerful our surrounds and certain friends can be to our decisions and how easily influenced we can be by them. It’s sometimes, well not sometimes, IS better to just stay away. Best of luck today and drink lots of water! Xo

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  2. Hey Nelson,
    I can see where you get worried. It is only when we try to get sober that the real demon shows up. When we ‘moderate’ or ‘quit but still have a few because….’ it all seems like we are in control. I’m thinking both you and I have crossed that line where we were in control. :-/ Addiction is powerful. And also: it can be broken.
    About 2 years before I actually quit I started to ‘unfriend’ people whom I knew would give me trouble when I was ready to quit. Mostly people who would like the booze more than my company and would make sad jokes about other people not drinking. I do indeed think these ‘friends’ are better left to their own addiction. Certainly now you are in the situation where you are (still?) easily swayed by them. At least it sounds a LOT healthier to go invest in sober relations at AA than befriend people who do not take care of themselves or of you for that matter. Friends help eachother, they do not prey on their friends addiction to have a ‘good’ afternoon.
    Wishing you good insights and strenght on your path,
    xx, Feeling

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