I did it again. I was doing great yesterday until a friend called. I made it out to the 2 pm AA meeting. Met a guy who I think can be my new sponsor. Was feeling good about the day—and then one of my bar-buddy friends called. 10 minutes later I joined him at the pub. 4 hours later I staggered home. What happened? I dunno. I really don’t know.
Ok, maybe I do know, a little. I read an article this morning that talked about how powerful environmental cues are for triggering addictive acts. The article was specifically talking about the power that FRIENDS can have to evoke that trigger. Too bad I didn’t read that article yesterday!
So now I’m suffering today. I feel like crap, physically and emotionally. I feel like I’ve poisoned myself. A few days ago I was feeling so well, so healthy. Not today. I’m so discouraged. Where is my “higher-power”? Is it not powerful enough to get me through this? Am I destined to get worse and worse, eventually lose everything and end up dead, or at least in rehab? Bleh.
My friends know that I’m trying to do this this week! Why are they calling me? I guess they don’t think I can do it, and they are RIGHT! What to do. What to do???
Keep on keeping on, I guess. “Let go and let God”. Keep going to meetings. Get that new sponsor. All of the above plus “whatever it takes”. I’ll have to cut those “friends” off. Tell them, at least, to stop calling me, which of course just isolates me further, but thank God I live in a big city that has lots and lots off AA’ers. I can make new friends. I just gotta stay alive in the meantime. Alive, meaning stay sober, busy, being OK. Funny how I’m looking to AA now for help. I’ve been in and out of AA for many years. Mostly out. I’ve had trouble with some of their philosophy. I don’t care about that now. They are there, open, willing to help.
To be honest, I’m really scared. I’m feeling the full POWER of my addiction. Now that push comes to shove it has reared its ugly head and is trying to convince me that I’ll never be free, that it will forever dominate me, that it will kill me before it ever lets go of me. Whoa. I’m not even a religious man, but I am now! God help me! God, please help me…