Enough’s enough….

Well, enough’s enough. Despite all sincerity of heart, mind and soul, it seems that my “Higher Power” doesn’t deem me worthy of attention — in the spiritual/psychological sense. I know a lot of AA’ers make AA their higher power if they are struggling with the spiritual aspect of it. Well, I have no problem whatsoever with the spiritual aspect. More than open to it, for years now. I have no doubt that God exists. But I admitted that I was “powerless” over alcohol a long time ago; I let go and let God and all of that countless times. Sorry, but admitting that I am powerless over alcohol and doing the rest of the AA “Step’s” just didn’t do it for me. I’ve been in and out of the AA doors for about 12 years now, so I’m more than familiar with “how it works”. Sorry, AA, you didn’t come through for me, sadly. As I say, enough’s enough.

So here’s what I’m going to do. Starting tonight, I’m going to do a two day detox. I’ll have 2 or 3 drinks tonight, 1 or 2 tomorrow night. I’m only an evening drinker, so I’m not worried about have a bad physical reaction to quitting. I’ve stopped many times before with little discomfort. It’s been a couple years since I’ve done that, but I think I’ll be ok. And then I’m going to stay sober. Like, forever, is my plan. I KNOW I’m powerless over alcohol, so I’m best to no touch the stuff. Heck, what a time to quit drinking! It’s Christmas! So what. I’m going to do it anyway. I need to take care of myself. The booze is slowly killing me. I can feel it. I have no doubt about it.

My friends aren’t going to like it. My drinking buddies I mean, if we can actually call them friends. I have one “best friend” drinking buddy. I told him today about my plan. He was a bit disappointed because tomorrow is the Grey Cup football game and he wanted me to join him to watch it on TV somewhere (a pub of course). But I told him no. He just said, “Ok, well if you change your mind give me a call”. I said ok. When I hung up I felt strangely empowered. It felt good to stake a stand for my own welfare, finally. He drinks as much or more than I do but the last thought to ever enter his mind is the thought of quitting. I doubt he ever will. Like me he’s a “Functional/Functioning” alcoholic. Can keep a job and do well in it, no problem. Alcohol interferes with few, if any, aspects of his life. He never gets hangovers! That may be why he’s never thought about quitting. I dunno.

Anyway, if you are interested, check back here in a day or two. I’m going to document the whole damn thing; the detox, the sobriety experience and experiences. Everything. Who knows, once my head clears up, I might even get a little creative. Writing is difficult for me these days. Most days I’m pretty cloudy. That’s why I’ve written so little here. Well, enough of that too! My hope is that what I share here might help someone else struggling with their alcoholism. That’s step 12 in AA!

I’d say “God help me”, but that prayer goes unanswered for me. Or perhaps God is helping me by ignoring me? Or helping me by keeping me healthy despite being a drunk all these years? Ok, I’ll buy that. More than willing to. Whatever. See you on the other side!

Nelson

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