I give up….

I give up. I mean, I really give up. I mean, I just fricking totally give up. Nietzsche said, of those with “profound self-doubt, the torture of self-mistrust, the wretchedness of the vanquished: I have no pity for them, because I wish them the only thing that can prove today whether one is worth anything or not – that one endures”. Endures. Endures what!? Doesn’t give up, I suppose, is what he means. Give up what? Living. Being. Doing, for sake of it. Just for the sake of it. If we continue breathing after we give up, then we might as well do something with the spare time. Like what? Expressing our talents, the things that we are clearly gifted at doing. If we live long enough, we will know what those things are.

Ah, but why bother? Who’s going to care or notice, other than ourselves. Well, some have a chance of being noticed, if their particular talent is deemed art worthy or of value in our culture, but that’s a small bloody lot (a small unit of mass). And even getting recognized isn’t what it’s cracked up to be, so we’re back to just caring about or recognizing ourselves, which doesn’t sound very interesting frankly.

I’m an alcoholic. Well, I drink a lot (a big unit of mass) every day, in the evening. I rarely start drinking before 4 o’clock. Usually around 5. I quit around 8, usually about 5 pints later. At least once a week I drink 6 or 7 of them and suffer terribly for it the next day. Those days I may have a drink or two around noon, to keep me alive. It helps. That’s why they invented Caesars; doubles. God’s only gift to alcoholics!

I’ve been trying for about 10 years to curb, control or quit my drinking. I know it’s not healthy for me. I don’t like being hungover all the time. But, you see, despite all of my efforts, I just can’t curb, control or quit it. “Ah”, the AA’er’s and experts say, “Only when you completely surrender–give up–are you in a position to be cured.” My Jungian therapist says my ego simply has to realize that it cannot do it, has to realize that completely, resolutely, and then rely on the Self (God essentially) to deliver us. In AA they call it “hitting bottom”. That may work for some people, but it hasn’t worked for me, dammit it!!! And THAT’s why I’m giving up, why I’ve given up. I’ve given up the whole lot (as in the whole bloody lot) of that baloney. It doesn’t work for me! I feel destined to die a cruel, sick, alcoholic’s death. And that depresses me, big time. I’ve wasted so much valuable time in my life drinking and pissing it away, pint by pint. That makes me just want to die now and get it over with…and that’s why I’m challenging Nietzsche and questioning the bloody meaning of it all, of it, life, living, being.

So what’s a guy going to do who’s in this predicament? Damned if I know. I almost don’t even care. But, ok, for some strange reason there still is a small, wee glimmer of hope down there somewhere, but I have no idea how to tap into that. I’ve tried everything, except for rehab. And before you go tooting the rehab horn–I know enough about rehab to know that it wouldn’t do me any good. You see, I know and have tried virtually every way; therapy, yoga, Taoism, Moderation Management, diet, vitamin therapy, meditation, medication, AA……the list goes on. Nothing has helped. Nothing!!! Even yesterday, accepting the notion that Angels might exist, I prayed to my guardian angel asking IT to help me! Nothing happened. One would expect Angels to work almost instantaneously. I drank my usual fill last night, and then some! There is nothing left for me to try! Not even Angels!

Did I hear someone say, “Then, just accept your fate and lot in life”? Excuse me? That’s a rather defeatist attitude isn’t it? Accept it and do what? Just keep getting drunk every night, go broke, get sick and die??? I might be a pessimist, but I’m certainly not a defeatist either!!! Although, I admit the tone of my message here certainly sounds like I am. I admit to giving up. What’s next for Nelson? God (assuming the existence of) only knows! I sure don’t!

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