…Welcome…

Hello! I wrote this introduction and started this blog in September of 2009. As you will see, now almost 12 years later, I have continued to drink…

My original blog intro:

This blog is the tale of a drunk. It will document either my deliverance or demise from what some people in our culture call the “Demon-Drink”; ALCOHOL.

I’m in my late-forties (2009) and had my first taste of alcohol when I was about six, but have been drinking steadily since I was 19. I can still remember my first sip of the emerald green, oh so sweet “Creme de Menthe”. So began my love affair with Alcohol!

Well, I’m 62 now, and the journey continues. I officially quit drinking on September 17th, 2018 and enjoyed my first Christmas and New Years and birthday alcohol free in over 40 years. I say, “officially” because I have have since relapsed. But, my long-term plan and goal is to get drink-free. See the “About Me” page (top right) for more of my background info.

As my original intro stated, the purpose of this blog is to document either my deliverance or demise from the “demon-drug” alcohol. I wish I could say it’s now mostly about my deliverance, because I did have a number of months sobriety back in 2018 & 2019, but not since the Covid-19 crisis hit, which has really derailed me. Life’s journey never ends…until it really ends, which I hope to live to see!

I welcome your input as I travel this journey. I want, so desperately, to be free. See my blog post’s below for updates.

Nelson

Or not…

So, I did pretty well for about 10 days. Then, my best friend went into the hospital with her cancer back, into the bone marrow now. Sorry, but I picked up again because I live alone and have no one to support me and by 3 or 4 o’clock in the afternoon, I’m missing her and missing our times together in the safe outside green space where we have been meeting for the last FUCKING COVID year.

Not just her. There have been 3 to 4 of us meeting in that lovely green space. We’ve all become very close during all of this mess. I feel blessed. Better than being home alone. All of life is different now and I’m just doing the best that I can do.

Nelson

Back on the pill…

I did it. I’m finally back on the Antabuse (Disulfiram). Took me 14 month’s, 14 long month’s, drunk every night. But no, it was 14 short month’s. Time seems to go by faster when I’m drinking. Days blur into weeks which blur into months and before I know it over a year has passed and I’m wondering how the hell it all went so quickly.

God it was hard getting off the bottle this time, which of course is typical — every drunk knows that, goes through that, myself no exception, although I wish I could have been. Ironically, it happened mostly because my drinking partner has been in the hospital for the last two weeks. My one and only Covid bubble of 2 popped and now she’s gone and may never come back out, once they find whatever it is, suspecting cancer. With her gone, I’ve just been home drinking and thinking and thought I could do this now, and look at that, I have.

I have. But I’m not looking forward to the next few days of withdrawal and the next few months of insomnia. I have my miracle recovery drug though, Campral. It saved me a couple years ago after going crazy for a month and helped me stay sane, and sober. I hope so anyway. No reason to expect otherwise.

Covid-a-phobia was a big reason for me to keep drinking this time. That and OK I’m a bloody alcoholic. Any old reason will do for the likes of us. No reason to think I’m an exception to that. No reason at all.

I quit because like before when I quit, I realized afterwards that the alcohol had pulled the covers over my eyes and I couldn’t see that, until I quit. I expect this time will be the same. I’ll see within a day or two or three. No reason to expect this time will be any different. No reason at all. And then I’ll go from there.

But this time will be different.

Nelson

What makes today any different?

Photo by Jordan Benton on Pexels.com

I’ve been asking myself this question many times lately. Sadly, the days haven’t been any different. It’s been the ol’ same-o, same-o — wake up, often hungover, work, drink, sleep…repeat, repeat, repeat. I’m so sick of it.

Those who know my history won’t be surprised. I’ve been struggling with my drinking for many years. My excuse over the past year has been Covid-19. I meet up with a few people almost every day at a safe socially distanced outdoor space close to the pub we all used to go to. This time with them has been a lifesaver in one regard, giving me relief from the isolation of it all, but a life-killer in another, because I’m drinking too much, starting out there then going home and drinking my way through the evening, day after day after day…

So what makes today any different? Well, yesterday I told my drinking friends that I’m done, that I won’t be coming back again, that I need to get off the booze before it kills me. “SURE” they said, “see you tomorrow!”. They might be right, because it’s not the first time I’ve told them this, but, but DAMMIT….dammit, dammit, dammit!

But no, today IS going to be different. I’ve looked up some local online AA meetings and am going to attend one at 2 and one at 5, today and every day going forward. I’ll probably have to have a glass of wine or two today to help with tapering down, but I’m ok with that. I can’t go cold-turkey. I drink too much to do that safely, so I’m going to wean myself off over the next day or two, or three — whatever’s necessary.

I’m going to miss my drinking friends companionship. But, when I quit the last time, before Covid, I was just fine being at home alone, most of the time. So I know I can do this. I just need to do it. I must do it.

Well, that’s the plan. Today WILL be different because I’m going to do the things that I know will support me to get and stay FREE. That said, God help me. God knows, I truly need it.

Nelson

I drank less today…

I drank less today. It was a great accomplishment, trust me. I wanted to do the usual and down it and several others like it, but I didn’t.

I’m hoping within the next couple of days I’ll be able to have none, then pop one of those little white pills that work so well for me, the Antabuse.

Here’s to hoping. Here’s hopin and planin, and hopefully doin.

Nelson