Hello! I wrote this introduction and started this blog in September of 2009. As you will see, now almost 11 years later, I continued to drink…until recently, more or less.
My original blog intro:
“This blog is the tale of a drunk. It will document either my deliverance or demise from what some people in our culture call the “Demon-Drink”; ALCOHOL.
I’m in my late-forties (2009) and had my first taste of alcohol when I was about six, but have been drinking steadily since I was 19. I can still remember my first sip of the emerald green, oh so sweet “Creme de Menthe”. So began my love affair with Alcohol!“
Well, I’m 60 now, and the journey continues. I officially quit drinking on September 17th, 2018 and enjoyed my first Christmas and New Years and birthday alcohol free in over 40 years. I say, “officially” because I have had a few short slip-ups since then. But, my long-term plan and goal is to remain drink-free. See the “About Me” page (top right) for more of my background info.
As my original intro stated, the purpose of this blog is to document either my deliverance or demise from the “demon-drug” alcohol. So, you’ll hear me talking a lot about just me, myself and I a lot. I’m so happy and grateful to say it’s now mostly about my deliverance. So far so good, anyway — life’s journey never ends…until it really ends.
Your comments, input, advice, admonishment, whatever, as I travel this journey are all most welcome. I have so desperately wanted to be free. See my blog post’s below for updates.
Ha! Go figure. What’s the expression,”…best laid plans go awry?” or something like that. I ended up not taking the Antabuse the other day because I was too worried that I might have unmanageable withdrawal, because I didn’t have any of my go-to anxiety med on hand. I ran out of that a couple months ago. But I saw my doctor on Thursday and he gave me some more, thank God.
So, I’m back on track. LOL…like the Indie 10 thousand five hundred and sixty two for those who know me. Whatever, I have the med now, so with any luck I’ll be back on the Antabuse within the next few days. I stayed home tonight, away from the pub, where I always drink too much, so that’s a good thing. Same plan for tomorrow, and to taper down for a day or two and then pop the magic pill. Oh, where is EMMA when I need her!?
Her encouragement anyway, but I think she gave up on me long ago, my being another seemingly hopeless case in humanities alcoholism train wreck, or something like that.
Oh well, I’m still hopeful, or something like that…
Well, I’m happy to report I have successfully tapered down on the booze over the last few days and will be taking the Antabuse first thing tomorrow morning (it’s 10:15 pm now). No if’s, and’s or but’s.
This morning I told my best friend about my plan — texted him actually, to say I wasn’t going drinking with him tonight and was going back on the wagon and he replied, “Pussy”. That’s all he said, then didn’t text me for the rest of the day. Say WHAT? Well, this IS the guy who has never thought about not drinking, but still, his reply shocked me. That’s a FRIEND? I think not!
Someone wrote a blog post recently about letting go of people in our lives, how that’s something we may need to do, at some point, for whatever reason. At some point we just gotta see them for WHAT they are, accept it and walk away. That time has come. It’s time. It has nothing to do with my quitting, of course, but it will help me to quit using him as an excuse to go drinking in the future.
That’s all I wanted to say tonight. Just a quick report-in, with good news.
Yaweh, I mean Yaway (not to be confused with God or Amway). I mean, I was full of the best intentions, really! I thought today would be my first day sober, until I woke up and heard the news, of the weather report for here in Vancouver, BC. SNOW in the forecast, yet again. Supposedly a lot of it tonight/tomorrow morning. Prophetic!
Prophetic, because I’m NOT ready to tackle another shit-load of snow sober. Not this year. Perhaps next. So Yaweh, er, God, with the weather intervened. Or so I choose to view it. It’s a good excuse. All drunks reading this will understand completely.
Oh well, what’s another day or two? Yes, I could die between now and then, but I’m not drinking THAT much, I don’t think. God only knows…I mean Yaweh only knows. It’s the Jewish people who call God that…it being the Hebrew name for him. I respect that a lot. They were first, after all.
Anyway…the snow tomorrow is supposed to be gone by mid-Wednesday, thanks to a warm front moving in. So Wednesday or Thursday I’ll get back on track.
Sorry to yet again disappoint those who successfully quit drinking on the precise day that they planned. Fuck-off! I mean that laughingly, but you know who you are. All the winners out there, unlike Mr. Fuckup here — sorry, I have been drinking!
Let’s see what tomorrow brings? Yah-man?
I had a number of drinks tonight, but not as many as yesterday, or the day before. I’m going to try to get back onto the Antabuse tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then Monday for sure. I didn’t go to the pub today. That’s a start. Just had drinks at home, and it was nice, actually.
A few people have been reaching out to me here. Wow, thank you so much. You know, a bit of love, of compassion, goes a long, long way. I am so grateful. 🙏💜
Today was a good day. I went for a walk to one of my favourite places, a trail in the woods close to the beach. That’s it above. I haven’t gone for a walk for a long time, but did so purposely today, hoping it would help with my resolve to pry my damn lips off the bottle. I think its helped.
Sobering up is a huge choice and challenge for me. It means I’ll likely have horrible insomnia for the next couple of MONTHS….all a part of the sobriety process. Did you know that insomnia is the number one reason why many relapse? Yup. It’s all a part of “PAWS” — Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. I know, because I went through it in December/January, February of 2018/19. Hopefully it won’t be as long this time, but whatever — the price I have to pay for my alcoholism and sobriety. I’m ok with that, mostly. I have taken some extra steps this time to help with it, going back onto my anti-depressant (Remeron, for anxiety mostly) and taking Gabapentin. (Sadly, Campral, which really helps with it has been off the market for almost a year). The Gabapentin is reportedly very good, for some. May I be a some…*sigh*.
Funny how I was so paranoid about my blood pressure a couple weeks back, going back a long time. Today, I checked my blood pressure and it was 134/85. Totally normal for a guy my age…actually…very good for a guy my age! Ha! Total surprise! When I was paranoid checking it, like 5 times a day, it was way up, like 150 to 160 or 170. Ha! I had no idea that my worry about it had such an effect….
I’m a mess. Granted. Goal now is to get sober in the next day or two, and back on the Antabuse. Thank GOD for Antabuse. Without it, I would be a hopeless case. Once I get back on it, I’ll at least have the freedom to go from there.
I went to an A.A. meeting today, thanks for the real Jim, for the first time in a long time. It was really good…really. I went to the pub afterwards to celebrate. Yes, I did. Sorry folks, I’m not like the some on here who have blogged here present and past, with their plans to get sober, then did, and then faded away, celebrating their victory and glorious fortitude, how great they are, all the followers they garnered. Yup…real winners, ya ya! Rather, I’m the fortitude-fuck up, the real deal. If I stop posting here, that means I’m dead, that the beast got me. Good God, I hope not, but it could be.
May those of us still here in the trenches, survive the beast. Love you all…and yes, I have been drinking (last big day for that).